Sex is like Pringles

December 12th

Yesterday I was reading all the articles I saved about sex.  It made me scared that I could get an STD. Last night my mom asked me if I was planning on staying a virgin. I said something like "I don't know... I think so." Bad answer! I should have just said 'Yes' to get her to back off. This morning she said "I can't stop you from having sex, but use protection. And it's going to hurt!"
When I told Sam I might have sex with George she said, "It's going to hurt, but then it's like Pringles! Once you pop, you can't stop! Losing virginity is a big deal for a girl."
I talked to my friend Jake E. this morning. He told me that one time he was emptying the trash after this girl Jennifer came over.  His parents saw the condom in the trash. They told him to always use protection.
Are you sick of hearing about sex,

yet? Well, I have more to say. I already told you that Sam had a miscarriage and Jake S. has two kids. This girl (Nikki) I knew from Day Treatment is pregnant. This girl, Kennon, had two abortions. Even Steve told me he knew of a girl who got pregnant because a condom broke.
I actually know a lot of people that have had sex. So what's the big deal?
All of Jake E.'s friends go over to his house and have sex sometimes. Almost everyone I know has lost their virginity. I was the only virgin at Day Treatment.
When i talked to this guy, Matt (He's friends with Kristi and Jake S.), he said, "Oh, you're the one that is still a virgin!"
One time I was at Jake S.'s apt. and sitting on his lap.  I was kissing him. This guy Jon was there and said "So if I'm staying here do I get some too?"Jake said "She's a virgin!"
I actually do know some virgins, but the last 6 guys I've kissed only one was a virgin! So what am I waiting for, right?
Well, the last time I talked to my friend Karen (She's a virgin), she told me that sometimes she really wants to have sex.
My Mom also told me to have sex with someone who cares about me.
I was reading this Life Strategies book for Teens. Something popped out at me. He wrote that it's not true affection isn't sneaking your boyfriend or girlfriend in your house when your parents aren't home. It's funny that I read that after I did it.
I looked up the word 'affectionate' and it says tender and loving.
Who knows if Jake S. even cares about me. I just feel so alive when I'm with him. He's the only guy that I wanted to do it with. The only thing is that he doesn't like to wear a condom.
I'm scared to have sex, but I'm so curious about it.
It's just like when I wanted to have my first french kiss. I couldn't stop wondering about it. The same applies now. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do.
I just want to live in the now. I don't like thinking about the future because I'm afraid of it.
What's so bad about sex? I never know what I'm supposed to do or think.
Jake S. Says he wants more than sex from me. Should I believe it?

"Are you a virgin?"

December 11th

The night I got to see Jake (This past Thursday), Kristi and I walked around town. Three 19 year old guys wanted us to party with them.  We ended up not going to their house. Instead we saw all the Christmas lights at Riverside Park. Later we went to the Gas Station. Jon was working there.
In my last journal I wrote about him, but I will write more. To make a long story short I met him this past summer at Riverside. I later went to his apt. He was with 3 guys. I was with Kim and Shane. I don't talk to Kim and Shane anymore.  I made out with Jon that night.
A few days later I had a family trip to Virginia. When I called the number when I got back, Jon's number was disconnected. When I saw Jon behind the counter at the Gas Station he gave me his new number. I really liked Jon. Now I'm so confused.
Jake called me and told me he wanted to come over at 11pm. In the mean time, Steve called me. I told him that I wanted to eventually lose my virginity to Jake. Steve didn't say it right away, but he told me that he would like to have me in bed.
Well, back to Jake. He came alright! My mom came down stairs right when Jake walked in the door. I didn't hear her come down. She said "Who are you? Janelle can't go any where!"
Jake didn't stay long, but he kissed me good bye.
My mom had this long talk with me. She asked me so many questions! I was so annoyed. She even asked me if I was a virgin. Of course I told her yes.
I really like Jake, but I don't know if he's the best guy to be with. I don't know anything anymore.
That first day I saw him he gave me a hug and pulled me onto his lap. What was I supposed to do? And then he kissed me and I didn't want to pull away. I just don't want to be alone. Jake makes me want to be alive! He's the only guy I don't get bored with. There is something inside of me telling me that I shouldn't trust him. I don't want to admit it, but I get this pain in my stomach when I know I shouldn't trust something or someone. I want to ignore it because I like him.  I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone.

"I'm falling for you bad!"

December 10th

You are my new journal!  I'm going to miss my last journal. I wrote so much stuff in it! (Taken from Journal #2)

Last night I stayed up until 2AM! I checked my email last night.  Jake wrote to me. He wrote things like "You're so damn sexy!" "I'm falling for you bad!"  and  "I liked that shirt you wore today!" The shirt was metallic blue and had a loop in the front. Jake also asked for my number because he has been calling from Kristi's who knows my number. Jake is 20 years old.
I hung out with Samantha who used to go out with Ryan.  They were both living with Jake and Bridgette last summer. At the time Bridgette was pregnant with Jake's baby.  She has had it now. This is Jake's second child. Sam introduced me to Jake and Ryan. Jake used to live by Kristi in the apt. they stayed at during the summer.
I already knew Kristi because we met in the Psych Ward the first time I went in there last January. Then I got to know her better after I O.D.'d on pills last March.  The Court ordered me to go to Day Treatment and Kristi was in Day Treatment as well.
Sam and I sneaked out a lot last summer. She would ride her bike in the middle of the night and we would see Kristi. We would walk around town. We would hang out at Country Kitchen. It was so much fun hanging out with her.
One night I spent the night at Sam's house and we took her car.  We went to get Ryan.  The next night we got Ryan and Jake. That's the night I started falling for Jake and we kissed in the back seat. Ryan and Sam had sex in the car.
Anyway, that night Sam and I got caught and Sam went to jail. Sam got out the next day and started living at Jake's apt.
At the end of July Jake and Bridgette got evicted and had to move out. Jake went to jail for letting this girl Summer give him a blow job. She was 15 while he was 20.
Sam and Ryan moved away and ended up living over an hour away. She lived with Casey because Ryan was an asshole. He went to jail for smashing a windshield of a car with a baseball bat. He was jealous because Sam was hanging out with another guy. Ryan ended up being abusive to Sam. When he was in jail he threatened to kill her. She got a restraining order against him. She also had a miscarriage with his baby.
Sam moved back with her parents. Her parents don't want her to talk to me. I haven't seen her because I'm on Home Bound Schooling. I was really depressed and didn't want to go to school. So now I have to catch up on my work.
Jake got out of jail, but I don't know when. He will have to go back in January for 3 months. He is now living on the North Side of town. He is living with Bridgette and the baby.  He says he wants to leave her, but she threatens to commit suicide if he does. He wants her to be a good mom to his son.
Jake called me 3 days ago from Kristi's house. I came over and we ended up making out. I think I might lose my virginity to him! We will see!
Jake doesn't like Sam because she made Kristi call the cops on Summer for running away from Juvenille Detention Center. When the police came Summer told the police that she gave a blow job to Jake.
Sam is still on probation for taking her family's car without their consent the night we got caught sneaking out. She was also in jail for 6 days for writing "Fuck You Pig" on a cop car. She can be so stupid sometimes!
Everyone I talk to that knows Sam tell me that she lies. She says I'm her best friend, but I don't know anymore.
I was only officially broken up with George (Jorge) the day before I saw Jake!

Soaked twice in one day

December 10th

In July I forgot to tell you about this one time Sam, Kim, Jon/Eugene, and me smoked pot with the guy who lived above Jake's apt. Bridgette and Jake were up there too, but didn't smoke. Jake kept putting his hands in my face so I slapped him.
The next day he got me back by putting me in the cold shower. I had to wear his clothes. I looked ridiculous!
That night we broke into a guys apt. who told me I could party there. The door was unlocked. Jon stole their bong. The guys came back while we were leaving and we had to pretend like we just got there. I got us out of there.
That same night Kim and Jon were showing us where they ran from the cops. Jake had me over a pool outside a motel. Jon pushed him and Jake dropped me in. I got soaked a second time that day. Jon said he was trying to get Jake in!

This is the last of my first Journal.  On to the next!

"Still a good kisser!"

December 10th

My friend Jake E. asked me to see a movie with him. He's the guy that I met in the Psych ward. He tried to get other people to go, but they couldn't go. We saw the movie 6 Days. It was about cloning people and the future. It was so weird! During the movie Jake put his arm around me and was playing with my hair. Finally, I took his arm off me. He said he was sorry and I said it was o.k. It really annoyed me though. I thought we were just friends!
Every guy I become friends with ends up liking me. And lately, guys can't keep their hands off me. I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy about that or not. I'm not sure if I like it. I guess Jake thought I was a date because he paid for the movie. I told him not to. I'm glad I can tell guys no by pulling their hands away. Sometimes it's hard. It's getting easier, but I usually take a while to do something about it.
After the movie we went to the mall where the theater was. Then Jake's dad came to pick us up and they dropped me off at work.
I really want to tell you more about Jake S.! When I got to Kristi's the first day I saw him since the end of July I sat on the couch. He was sitting on a chair talking to one of Kristi's friends. Then Kristi took a phone call. Jake and I talked and he answered a lot of my questions about this past summer.
Then Jake said "Are you going to give me a hug?" I went over and gave him a hug. He pulled me onto his lap. He turned and said "Bad thoughts!" I asked "What are you thinking?" He said "I don't tell, I express." I was like "O.k. do it then!"
Then he kissed me. I fell for him all over again. He said "Still a good kisser!" I don't remember how we got to Kristi's room, but we did. He kissed my ears and my neck. And he kept kissing me! I was so glad to be with him again. I was wearing this blue shirt with a hole in the front (The hole was supposed to be there). Jake liked it. He stuck his finger down and found my boob.
I've realized I can't say "No" to Jake. That could be a bad thing, but I don't know. I remember on Friday Jake and I kissed when Kristi's mom was out of view. We were in Kristi's room. I was laying on him half way.
When I got up to put my hair in a pony tail for work Jake came up behind me. He put his arms around me. He said "You're lucky I don't give you hickey's." I also remember him saying "You are so pretty. How did I get so lucky?" "You have a cute butt." "If this keeps up I'm going to fall in love with you" "You're still the cutest girl I've kissed."
When I looked back on some entries I still talk about Jake. I really missed him. I can't forget him or just get over him. I said I was over him, but I wasn't.
I didn't tell you this, but when I was at High Rollers I told Sabrina about Jake. I told her that Dish (his ex) made me remember him. I told her that I had fallen in love with Jake. I really thought about him that night and I missed him. Jake says he thought about me too.
Remember I told you about Ashleigh's tarot cards saying that Jake and I would end up together? Who knows what will happen!

Reunited with Jake

December 8th

It's 1AM, but I think I should write in here. So much has happened that I can't even believe it!
First, I will start off with that I wrote Sam's parents a letter asking for a second chance to be her friend. I dropped it off in the mailbox at her house on Monday.
Let's get back to Sunday. I went to Jordan's house and watched the movie Armageddon. Steve was there too. Jordan gave me some pink socks with black cats on them that said "I do bad things". Steve and Jordan couldn't keep their hands off me. They kept tickling me! Jordan told me that Steve really liked me.Later, Tim came over. He told me to watch out for Jordan. That he was trying to hook up with me.
On Monday, I saw my social worker. Her name is Sharon. I told her straight out that I didn't like her. I was bound to say it sooner or later. I mean she's a bitch!
After that I went to Jury training for peer court. I saw my ex boyfriend Steve. I met this girl Ashley that gave me a ride home. We couldn't stop talking. She did the same thing that I did (Steal from Shopko). Ashley told me that guys were talking about Steve.  Saying that he was gay and that they saw him holding hands with a guy. He doesn't even talk to me!
Ashley lives like an hour away.  It's too bad because I really like her. She said she felt like she knew me for a long time. We exchanged phone numbers. She smokes pot! She said she might invite me to a party sometime.
On Tuesday, I gave a letter to Sabrina to give to George saying that I wanted to break up. Sabrina said that George agreed with what I said in the letter.
I talked to Karen on the phone.  I ended up crying because I missed her so much!
Steve called me from High Rollers. We talked for a long time. Jordan got on the phone, but never figured out that it was me!
On Thursday, Jake called me! I went over to Kristi's to see him. Jake and I ended up making out. He has to go back to jail for 3 months in January. He is living with Bridgette and the baby. Jake told me that he doesn't like Sam anymore.  It was her idea to call the police on him for having sex with Summer who was 15 while he was 20. Summer told the police that she gave Jake a blow job. I thought they had sex, but according to Jake they didn't.
Sam told me that she called Bridgette and she said that they were moving to Indiana. I thought that I would never see Jake again! Sam lied by the way. Is that really a big surprise? Everyone I talk to says she lies. I'm not sure that I want to be friends with a Compulsive lair!
Well, after Jake left, Kristi and I decided to go to Riverside park and see the Christmas lights. On our way there we met 3 guys that wanted to drink and party. They told us that we could stop by later if we wanted to. We never did though. Kristi ran into some other people she knew that were having a party.
Then I ran into Zach who was friends with Sam. He told me that she was back. I asked him if Sam lies and he said yes.
Kristi and I then went to the Gas Station and guess who I saw? Jon! Yes, that's right! The guy that I met at Riverside park this past summer and later that night made out with him at his apt. He gave me his new number. I haven't decided if I'm going to call him or not.
When I got home I talked to Sabrina and Steve on the phone.
On Friday, Jake picked me up in his ghetto car with Kristi in the back seat. We went back to Kristi's house. Jake and I made out a little bit, but I didn't have a lot of time because I had to go to work at the Pizza place. If Kristi's mom would have been gone I was almost ready to have sex with Jake. He knows that.
Jake dropped me off at work. I had to close so I was there until after 11PM! I'm so tired.
Kristi told me that Jake has a big dick. I'm scared, but I think I want to lose my virginity to him.

My 3 Problems

December 1st

I have a little problem. Actually 3 problems. Fist, I'll tell you that I'm on the list for School within a school. But I really don't want to be in it right now because that means that I won't have lunch with Sabrina and Samantha.  Sam moved back! Here is the problem, her parents hate me and my parents hate her. So even though her probation officer said she can talk to me we will still have to sneak around.
The other thing is that I'm still in Home bound schooling.  This sucks. I really needed to go to school today.  You see I was going to take my bike to my high school today and see Sam and some people, but my mom is here.  I can't sneak out of the house. I'm so disappointed because I thought my plan was good. Now I have to think of another way to see Sam.
My other problem is that I talked to Jordan (Sabrina's boyfriend) and I found out that his friend Steve thought I was cute. That's not the problem. You see Jordan and I talked till 1 AM. We talked for like 3 hours. He had 3 dreams about me before he met me. And in his dreams everyone was naked. He didn't tell Sabrina he had dreams about me. Jordan also thinks I'm cute. He told me that he was staring at me at the High Rollers and ran in to the wall. He thinks that I'm interesting and intelligent. He told me he likes me. He even asked if I would date him if he wasn't going out with Sabrina. He didn't want to get off the phone with me. I like him a little bit too. I feel bad about this.
This isn't the first time this has happened. I remember when Meghan liked Tristan and instead he asked me to the dance. We went together even though I know that Meghan liked him. This also happened with Ashleigh and Bill. He made out with her the week before I met him, but he ended up making out with me too. They are now together. I even lost a friend, Kennon, because her boyfriend and I flirted. I can't usually get the guy, but I can't keep him.
I didn't tell you this, but one day Corey came over with two guys. He told me last night that they both thought that I was cute. I think Dustin like me. When we were at High Rollers he asked me to go around with him on a slow song. We held hands. I caught him staring at me.
I want to break up with George (spelled Jorge). He called me last night and didn't have anything to say to me. He's boring and we can't talk about stuff. We never had intelligent conversations. We just flirted and were attracted to each other. Yes, he can kiss well, but that's about all at the moment. I can't even see him in order for us to kiss right now. The only problem is really breaking up with him.
When I was with Jordan he kept putting his arm around me. I kept trying to get him to stop. I thought that Sabrina might get jealous. Steve really flirted with me too.

Life just keeps passing by and Rollerblading

November 30th

I'm close to tears right now. I feel like life just passes me by. It keeps going and doesn't stop.
Last night I went with Sabrina and her boyfriend to High Rollers. I met a lot of people. Her boyfriend's name is Jordan.  It was his Birthday and he had a huge cake. I met Dish.  She used to go out with Jake (you know how I'm talking about). I meat Sandy and Steve.  Also. Saw Dustin again from school.
I really can't roller skate very well! I felt kind of dumb. Sabrina told George to come when she saw him at school. She said he just looked at her. He didn't come. I wish I could just talk to him to break up. There is no point if we don't talk or see each other.
 I want to be able to flirt right now and not be attached to anyone. It's easier that way I think. You can get hurt easier if you run around kissing guys. It won't mean anything. I just haven't met a guy that I can pout my heart and soul out to or who I'm really attracted to. It's kind of frustrating, because in a way Jake was like that. He never really broke up with Bridgette. Then when my back was turned he had sex with Summer. So even though he could be sweet, exciting, fun, listened to me, made me laugh, I was attracted to him, and so on I could never trust him.
I have to make myself forget about Jake. I have to forget Josh too who made me laugh and I told everything to. I also have to forget about Eric who I had deep conversations with. All of them had their bad qualities and made mistakes.
So I'm really searching for a really great guy. The good news is that I've had a small variety of guys. That means that I know what qualities I like and don't like. And maybe some day I will find a guy that I like.  Wish me luck, ok? I'm going to need it. I'm going to be more picky when it comes to guys. That doesn't mean that I will always flirt with great guys!
I'm scared of the future. I really don't understand why I'm on this dumb world. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I also never want to get married. I think I will have less problems if I don't.
Soon I'm going to be 17 years old. I hope that next year is better. I don't know if I could handle another year like this.

Still can't get a hold of George

November 25th

Oh my God! I can't believe that I wanted to kiss Carl (Even though I know it's true)!
I was so sick that I didn't write about Thanksgiving! There really isn't much to say about it.
Did you know that George and I have been going out for 2 months now? That's weird! I mean I don't really know if I want to say that we are really together. I haven't talked to him for a while. He still hasn't gotten his phone connected and I can't go to school. This sucks!
I cried that last two nights.  Not sure what else to write about right now.

Sam went to jail for 6 days

November 20th

What I wanted to tell you yesterday was that I had a dream that I was addicted to cigarettes! It was weird and I was hanging out with strange people. 

Anyway, I checked my email. Sam wrote me. She was in jail for 6 days because she wrote "Fuck you Pig" on a police car. Really stupid! She says she is coming back in December. We will see what happens. She is still my really good friend, but I don't want to get in trouble with her. I don't even know if we will be able to see each other. 

I've been sitting in my room just thinking about shit. Everything is swirling in my head. I've thought about when I used to go during lunch to smoke pot with Angie and Kelly. Other people were sometimes there too. A few times Sissy was there. Kelly had a car. And now every time I smoked pot is going through my head. Then I was thinking about all the times I was with Samantha (Sam). 

Then there was Josh. We both had low self-esteem and were there for each other. He gave me so much attention. It was nice to have someone like me so much. He made me feel so special. No one will ever understand "Josh and me" because I don't even know what it was myself. What I do know is that we were really close and told each other a lot of stuff. Josh really cared about me and claimed he loved me. Everyone said I shouldn't want Josh.  I did sometimes though. Other times the attention got to be too much. Now I miss it. 

I remember a lot of stuff that happened in the last year (the Police, the people, the stupid things I did). It's all coming back. And another thing, in 2 days it will be Thanksgiving. Last year on Thanksgiving I dance with Mohamed (my cousin Carl's friend). I also remember being in the car with them. Carl telling me not to end up being as slut and weird stuff like that. At one point we stopped and Mohamed went in the store. I remember telling Carl that at one point I had a crush on him when I was younger. He asked why I didn't anymore. I said that he was my cousin. And he said that it was only through marriage. I know that Mohamed thought I was pretty and I think he had a little crush on me. 

Now that I look back on it I'm wondering what Carl was thinking during that conversation. The bad thing is I thought of kissing him before. I know that it's through marriage, but he's still my cousin. The other thing is that it's a bad sign. I usually only have that thought when a guy likes me. Maybe there is an exception to the rule. I don't know. This is all too weird! I don't think it's right for me to think of him like that. 

Everything changes

November 17th

What a lie that was in my last entry! I mean I still think about Josh sometimes.  Jake I'm pretty much over.  I think he will always be a player. And I think it will be a while before he leaves Bridgette. I used to like talking to Jake. I think I will always remember him.  I had so much at his apt. this past summer. That's all in the past. I hope he is doing o.k. though.
Josh is a little different. We really had a verbal relationship. It was never physical, and that was good. I got really close to Josh. I told him everything! He was really there for me at times. I trusted him. I think I even had some love for him. I can't believe he's married! How am I supposed to feel? I know I don't want him, but I miss talking to him.
Nothing will ever be the same. Everything changes. I think I'm a much stronger person now. I hope I'm not as stupid as I was. If I could do things differently maybe I would. There are quite a few things I would want to change.
I'm now doing home bound schooling.  It's where a teacher comes to your home to give you school work.  I was skipping school so much that they made it this way. I hate it!  I want to be at school now.  This really sucks! I have so much work to do to catch up! It's not even funny!
I forgot to tell you that on Nov. 2nd I smoked pot during lunch. It was with this girl Sabrina, Kim, and a guy named Joe. We jumped a fence and then smoked out of Joe's bowl by the railroad tracks. Damn, it felt good! I wish I could do it again, but Joe is getting home schooled now.  All he did was get high.  He never went to his classes.
Jared from my class said he was getting pot on Monday. I'm not able to go to school then so no pot for me. It's so sad. I really want some pot to make me happy! I'm so depressed!

I'm writing to you now because I have no one to talk to.  I'm crying right now. It seems to be something I do lately. I don't know what to do! I'm getting more and more depressed. I need help. I'm serious. I feel like I'm going crazy! I'm panicky. I have to go to work at the Pizza place in an hour. I don't know if I can do it. This is so stupid. I mean you are just a dairy.  You can't do a damn thing!

Sick of crying

November 15th

I'm so sad. I seem to cry a lot lately. I'm overwhelmed and I have anxiety. I can't stand this.  I want some pot.  It takes the edge off. I would do anything just to be happy.

I finally got to see George at school.  It was so good to have him put his arms around me again.

I'm listening to the band Garbage right now. The tears are rolling down my face. All I want to know is when I'm going to stop hurting. It's killing me inside. I'm so tired of crying. I laugh, but it's an illusion that I'm happy. When I'm with people I act happy. I never let people see me cry.  When I'm at home I cry to get the pain out. I just want to scream sometimes. There is a part of me that wants to give up, but I tell that side of me to shut up. If that makes any sense. Being depressed is the worst feeling in the world.  I feel so fucked up in my head. Some day I want to be happy.

Learning to love myself

November 13th

Did you know that I've kissed 14 guys now? Not all were french kissing though. Two of them were dares. I've also kissed two girls. I was dared to kiss my friend Meghan when I was 15.  We were on a school bus and we got a dollar for it.  The other girl was crazy Whitney.

I will list the guys so I never forget: Dan, Andy, Bob, Sam, Mike, Steve, Richie, Eric, Jake, Jon, another Jon, another Andy, Bill, and George. There you have it. What it basically shows is that guys do like me even though 2 of those were dares.

People say that I'm pretty, so I guess it's true.  What I have a problem with is my self esteem.  I have a hard time loving myself as a person. I hope that some day I will be able to fight that something in my head that always makes me feel bad about myself.

Do you ever want to run away? I do.  Everything is so depressing right now. I get sad a lot these days.  I don't know what to do about it. Feeling alone isn't a great way to feel. Nothing really that bad has happened, but I have plenty of reasons to be depressed. Maybe it's pathetic that I feel this way.  And maybe I'm never really happy. Maybe I just laugh to mask the pain. Ok now that's really depressing. I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't feel like I have control over anything. I have so much pent up anger. I'm trying to hold on here, but this just isn't a fun ride anymore. I feel like it's the same damn ride every time.  I can't stand it. The ride never seems to end. Maybe you think I should stop complaining and be happy with what I do have. I think I have a right to feel this way.

So I talked to Kristi on the phone the other day.  She told me that Jake is out of jail!  He is living with Bridgette and her mom. Ryan is back in town.  He came to Kristi's house looking for Jake last night.  I hope that I never see him again. He is such an asshole. He threatened to kill Sam.  Kristi told me that Jake went to Kristi's house 3 weeks ago. I wish I could have seen him. I guess I'm not really over him.

A couple weekends ago I went with this guy Kerry and this guy Sam to Jen's house. We watched to movie The Skulls. Kerry kept rubbing my leg. I had to tell him to stop because I'm still going out with George. I wish I didn't have to tell Kerry that.

I haven't seen George in a while. I think he moved to the other part of town.  I want to see him.  I wonder if he still wants to be with me. He never calls anymore. I really need to talk to him. I have this feeling that we should break up.

Written later:
Here I am again with the tears streaming down my cheeks. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't help it.  Everything has changed.  Nothing ever stays the same in life.

It's raining and I'm crying

November 1st

Tonight it's raining. I didn't go anywhere.  I took two caffeine pills today.  I have so much energy.  I want to take more tomorrow.

I kind of want a party for my 17th Birthday.  It probably won't happen.  I just hope that being 17 is better than being 16!  I've learned so much.  I wish I could tell other teenagers what I know now.

 There are tears rolling down my face right now. I'm hurting really bad. I don't know if I will ever go away.  Maybe someday it will, but I guess I will have to deal with it for now. I wish there was a way to release all this sadness. When I'm with people I can forget how sad I am.  When I'm alone it's another story.  I have time to remember the pain I'm in when I sit by myself.

I want to tell you about guys.  It's been bothering me. I'm going to talk about them all.

First, it was Josh.  He told me that he was in love with me, but all we did was talk across the country on the phone.  At the time he was 20 and I was 15.  I met him when I went away to a Christian Boarding school in Virginia. He lived in the small town where the school was.  I used to tell him everything.  He later married a woman he met on the internet. The last time I talked to him he was such a jerk.

Second, it was Steve. We were both 15 at the time.  We went out for a little over a month.  We only kissed on the mouth and no tongue.  We don't talk anymore, but I was told that he has a boyfriend now.

Third, it was Richie.   He was my first french kiss. We don't talk anymore either.

Then Eric who is now in Utah.  Then Jake who is now in Jail. He won't get out for 2 more years. Then Jon who is getting married to Kim. Then another Jon who's phone got disconnected.  Then Bill who is going out with Ashleigh officially. Now I'm with George.

Oh wait.  There was also Dan.  I was 13 and he was 12 when were going out.  He was my neighbor when I was a kid.  He was my first true love. I miss him.

Tears

October 29th

I'm feeling really terrible. I'm so angry and upset about my life. I'm so depressed. I can't take it anymore. I want to die. I hate my life and I don't care about anything anymore. You don't know how much I'm hurting. I want to smash something so bad. I'm so tired of everything. I don't know what to do.

Tears stream down my face. I gasp for air thinking of the past. Thinking of all the people I miss. I feel weak and empty inside. I feel so alone. I feel like I'm in a black hole. Darkness surrounds me and nothing seems bright.  I'm too tired to smile. There is no more hope. I have no more happiness. I just don't care anymore. I wish I could make it all stop.

My one month with George

October 24th

I saw Sam last Wednesday.  She met me at Walgreens. We only got to hang out for 45 minutes.  Then Casey and his mom picked her up. It was so sad to see her go!

 

Danielle and I went to Oktoberfest.  We had so much fun!  We hung out with her ex boyfriend, Brian, and his two friends.  At Brian's house we smoked 3 blunts.  I got so high. We watched the movie Belly.  

This past September 25th, George asked me out by the bus. Later that day, I  called him to come by Ashleigh's house so we could do something. Ashleigh wasn't home so we walked around.  He showed me where he lived. We walked to the park by my house. He gave me a hug.  He asked, "Do I get a kiss?" I said, "Yes.." He then kissed me a few times. By tomorrow we will have been going out for a month!

George might be moving to the other side of town. I hope that he can still go to my high school! 

I hate this year! I think it's been one of the worst years of my life. I feel pretty alone right now.  

I'm going out with a new guy

September 28th

I just talked to Sam. She told me that she is still living with Casey, but they aren't going out anymore. On Monday I'm going to see Sam and her new boyfriend Steve. Sam and I aren't supposed to see each other, but that isn't going to stop us. Sam had a miscarriage. She has a restraining order against Ryan now. She told me that she is on Prozac.  She was recently in the hospital because she got drunk one day and it mixed badly with the Prozac.

Last night I hung out with my neighbor Danielle and her friend Robert.  We just chilled at her house. Tomorrow night we are going to Okoberfest together.

I'm going out with this guy George that I met at school.  I will tell you more about him later.

The beauty of a rose

September 22nd

I long for something that is not there. I want to be close to all the people I love and care about. I fuck'n want all the craziness to stop. Why can't life be more simple? Why does there have to be change? I hate that the most! It's left my heart broken too many times.

There is so much beauty, but beware of the ugly side of things. Just like the beauty of a rose and and its ugly thorns. Sometimes I just want to squeeze something until there is nothing left. Tears don't always fall from my eyes, but trust me I'm crying enough on the inside. I need something to hold on to. I need it to guide me through all the tough times in my life. I'm so overwhelmed! I feel like I'm going crazy!

Real Love

September 11th

I kissed 6 guys this past summer.  What I realize now is that I really want is someone to love and for someone to love me back!  I want a guy to appreciate ME! I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me.  I want to be left breathless when he kisses me.  I want it to be real. I want it to last a long time. I want his kisses to be something special. Is this too much for me to ask?

Sam gets probation

September 6th

When Sam went to court recently, they gave her 50 hours of community service.  They also gave her probation for 2 years.  Later, she went with her parents to fill out the probation papers and the probation officer told her that we can no longer talk.  In a previous entry I wrote about how Sam and I sneaked out and got caught by the police for stealing her family's car and me joy riding.

Sam's parent's are legally emancipating her.  I talked to her a week ago. and she is really depressed. She said she has been having suicidal thoughts.  I hope she will be ok.

The last time I saw Bill was at the Mudvane show at the Warehouse. He kissed me good bye when he dropped me off. I never can get a hold of him! I'm so confused about him.  Plus, I don't really know if I can trust him.

I feel kind of alone. I'm depressed.  I was sick with a sinus infection.  I don't want to go back to school tomorrow. School really sucks and I don't wan to be there.

I cried so much when Sam left my house last Monday.  I know she cried too. I'm going to miss her.

Bill and I finally kiss

August 26th

I just got back from Walgreens to get some ice cream. I tried to call Bill, but the line was busy.  I called Ashleigh and she told me that she was talking to Bill online. I told her to tell him to call me, but I don't think she told him. I know she still likes him.  I asked her if I could come over and she said yes.

I walked to her house. She was hanging with Kim and Jenny. They were all outside when I got there.  Arlyss ,Ashleigh's ex boyfriend, called from Bill's house. Soon after Kim and Jenny left. Ashleigh went up to her room to change clothes because we were going to Bill's house. Dan was there too. Dan likes Ashleigh a lot, but she doesn't really like him like that.

While Ash was getting ready Shane and Shannon showed up. Then Dan, Bill, and Arlyss showed up. We all hung out on Ash's porch for a while.

Later, at Bill's house we watched the South Park movie and Can't Hardly Wait. Bill and I cuddled on the chair when we watched them.

We then went to Riverside Park. Ashleigh, Arylss, and Dan walked off when we got there. Bill and I went to his car alone. We went to Rocky Rococo's for pizza. Then Bill drove me home.

We finally kissed! We made out for a bit. Then at midnight I said I had to go. I'm going to call him on Monday.

Dan told me that Ashleigh is so pissed at me! I hate when people are mad at me! She probably thinks I stayed out all night with Bill. Didn't happen!

Tomorrow Sam is coming to my house. I can't wait to see her!

I finally got to talk to Bill

August 24th

I called Bill today. I finally got to talk to him, but it wasn't for long.  At least I we finally got to talk.  I also got to talk to my friend Ashleigh for a bit.

Samantha and I talked on the phone and she is going spend the night on Sunday. I can't wait to see her! She told me that she saw Eric before he left for Utah.  He gave her a hug good bye.  She told him to call me before he left, but he never did.  I'm sad about that!

Karen, my friend that lives in Maryland, and I talked on the phone for a while.  I miss her so much!  We both wish she could live near me.  She is kind of bored.  I need a good friend here. She is kind of depressed that the summer is almost over and that school is starting soon. I don't want to go to school either.

Jon or Bill?

August 23rd

Guess what? Jon's number works now! If I really wanted to I could talk to him tonight. After the first ring I hung up! I freaked! Now I need to decide who I really like, Jon or Bill.  I don't know what to do.   I don't really know either of them that well.  I think they both like me, but now what? I just keep thinking of Jon kissing me. Then I go back to Bill and me cuddling, and all the stuff he said to me.  It's all starting to drive me crazy now. I'm so dreamy now thinking about them both.  They both made me laugh, which is making me laugh just thinking about it.

Oh no! What if Jon found another girl?  It's been 2 weeks since I talked to him! Well, maybe then I wouldn't have to choose between him and Bill.

I have to go to court now. To be continued...

I just got home from court.  The case had to do with me joy riding over the summer with Sam when we sneaked and she took her family's car.  I have an agreement that I can't get into any more trouble till February.  I also have 20 hours of community service.

I'm working at a Pizza place now.  While I was at work Sam called.  I got the message that she is coming on the 27th.  She wants me to me to go to court with her on the 28th.  I called her back, but Casey her boyfriend told me she was at a friends house.

I called Bill, but his mom told me that she hadn't seen him all day.  I hope that i get to talk to him soon!

I called Jon's number again.  Bad news!  By the second ring I got a voice that told me that the number was out of order.  Oh well.  At least now I know I should focus on Bill.  If not, then I hope I meet a cute guy when school starts.

If we could only turn back time

August 22nd

I'm sitting in my room listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers. I tried to call Bill before, but it was busy forever! I hope I can talk to him soon!  I still can't get over the fact that people actually went up to Ashleigh and said I was a Hoe. Whatever!
'
Samantha called. We talked for a while. She is going out with this guy Casey.  She is living with him and his mother. She starts school tomorrow. I wish that she could go to school with me! She told me that she got high with weed a few times there. She is coming here on the 28th for court. I can't wait to see her!

You know who I miss? Jake!  Sam told me that she missed him too! Remember she lived with him this past summer?  He was like a brother to her.  I was falling for him. Why did he have to Fuck Summer and go to jail? That stupid Slut! He wouldn't be in jail if it wasn't for her.  I miss going to his apt.!

I used to be scared of the future. I guess I still am, but not as much as I used to be. I just hope that I make smarter choices in the future.

Do you ever think about chain reactions?  Like if this wouldn't have happened, then this wouldn't have happened? It's really weird to think about.  What "If's" too!  Sometimes I get so mad!  I mean, don't you ever wish you could turn back time and do things differently? I have plenty of times!

I just want to be loved

August 21st

I can't sleep.  I'm kind of depressed. I mean lets see... Sam is gone in another city, I'm grounded, people think I'm a slut, Ashliegh loves Bill and is pissed that he likes me, Jake is in jail, I miss my friends out East, Jon's phone is disconnected, Eric moved away.  Everything is bothering me right now.

I've said this before "I just want someone to put their arms around me, love me, and tell me that everything will be alright." I'm scared of being alone in this world. I feel so lost.  It takes a lot to make me cry these days. I take antidepressants and they modify the pain.  I don't like being 16 years old. It's depressing, frustrating, painful, and maddening! Who knows if age 17 will be any better.

I can't sleep. I want someone to talk to. I feel so weird right now. I think I'm going to organize my closet.  I have to get my mind off shit.

Sam is pregnant

August 20th

Thursday I went to an underage club called Southclub with Corey and Paul.  Corey left with some girl.  I saw a girl I knew named Michelle and her friend Dawn. Michelle left with some people to get drunk.  Paul gave Dawn a ride home. I saw some people I knew from my old high school. I danced with Kerry.  Kerry and his two friends Ryan and Tony drove me home. Kerry held my hand the whole way there.

On Friday Sam called to tell me that her and Ryan broke up.  He is in jail for smashing the windshield of this guy's car that Sam was hanging out with. He got jealous. Sam is now 1 month pregnant with Ryan's baby.  She is going to live with this girl Jackie that we both know. She lives about an hour away. I'm going to miss hanging out with Sam.

On Friday night, I went with Ashliegh, Bill, and Dan to the underage club the Warehouse.  It was fun! There was just a DJ instead of a band.  Ashleigh really likes Bill. Ashleigh and Bill have been hanging out all week.  The bad part is that now Bill and Dan both like me.

On Saturday night I went to the Warehouse with both Bill, Dan, and Ashleigh.  During the Benjamin Band Bill put his arms around me.  Ash and Dan got mad so they both left.  Midtown was an awesome band!  Bill dragged me up to the front. Later Bill took some people home in his car.

Bill took me to this grave yard where his friend is buried.  He told me that there is only one of his high school friends alive.  He said that in high school his friends played with a Ouija board one night. After that his friends started dying.  Then we went up to the Bluff and parked.  We talked till 2AM. He put his arms around me in the back seat, but he didn't kiss me. When I got home my mom was mad and grounded me.

Ashleigh is so mad at Bill and me. He could have been charged with kidnapping me.  I could have been charged with curfew.  She told me that Bill and her stayed out till 4AM. Her mother grounded her for 3 months. She thought Bill would have learned the first time. Bill was scared when she told him he could have gone to jail. He just really wanted someone to talk to and I was there.

Today Ash told me that 3 guys asked her if I "Put Out" since I left with Bill that night. Two girls asked her if I was a "Hoe".  Whitney Chase told her that I was "Bi" and that I'm her Ex girlfriend. She thought Ash was my new girlfriend.  She asked about Bill and me.  She even said that she wanted to kiss me again. I wouldn't be surprised if Whitney was the one telling everyone I'm a hoe.  I don't like Whitney at all!

Jake is in jail

August 14th

So 13 days ago I was with Kim and Shane. We went to the park and met these guys there (Chris, Jon, and Dominique).  They gave us their address and phone number.  We went there that night.

When we got there Jon and I sat on the couch.  We started kissing.  They were all drinking beers.  I only had a couple sips.  The cops came because there was a noise complaint.  One of the cops recognized me. The same cop later knocked on the door again.  I guess my mom was looking for me.  The cop drove me home and I got a curfew ticket.  He made me blow a breathalyzer, but I passed.  So glad I didn't drink more.

Jake is in jail because he had sex with Summer.  She is only 15 years old and he is 20.  Bridgette caught them.  I have a feeling she told her mom and she called the cops on him. She wants Bridgette and him to stay together. Bridgette is now pregnant with Jake's baby.  She is probably staying with her mom now because they got evicted from their apartment. I don't know where Sam and Ryan went. I miss Sam!

Lately, I've been hanging out with Kim and Ashleigh. We always hang out at this underage club called the Warehouse.  We play pool and listen to bands.  Recently Ashleigh and Arylss broke up. I know she is upset.

I told you that Ashleigh read my Tarot cards. She is totally right!  My Dad is coming back!  He is in NYC now.  I can't believe it!

Sam doesn't live with her parents anymore

July 23rd

Samantha's parents emancipated her.  She is now living with Ryan, Bridgette, and Jake. I go there a lot. Kim was in jail with Sam and is now living there too.  Jason was there for a little while too after he ran away from his group home.  Jon was also living there for a bit, but they threw him out one night.  It was a crazy house.

Jon kissed me in the bathroom one day. He wanted us to see each other. I love Jake though so I hope that Jon shows up so that I can tell him I don't want to be with him.

Ryan called the cops on Jon and he was put in jail.  Kim was his friend.  She called the jail looking for him 2 days ago. I guess he had gotten out 5 minutes before that.  No one has heard from him though.

Ashleigh is my new friend.  She read my tarot cards.  She said that Jake and I will end up together. I hope we do!

Samantha isn't a virgin

July 11th

I guess the best way of putting it is, Surprise, Surprise, Samantha is not a virgin!  She lied to me so many times about that! Do you want to know how I found out? Well, let's see, Samantha (Sam) and I were going to sneak out.  I had spent the night at her house Sunday, and we sneaked out taking her car.  We went to go get Ryan, her boyfriend, and cruised around.  Ryan wanted to do it again the next night so it was a plan.

On Monday night at 1AM I got picked up. Ryan and Jake were already in the car.  We drove around. At one point we stopped at Jake's house. Bridgette told Sam that her Step Dad had called wondering where she was.

Sam then wanted to go to her house to check if the lights were on.  For some reason Sam decided to go inside and her Step Dad grabbed her arm. He said "Where do you think you're going?" She ran out and we drove away.

Sam was losing it. She kept crying.  She calmed down eventually.  We stopped at the Gas station to get gas. Jake went inside to get cigarettes.  We finally stopped at a park.  Sam and Ryan went off somewhere.  Jake and I sat under a bridge.  We talked and I told him I was falling for him. He told me that he was the reason he came along.  We were getting bitten by mosquitoes so we walked back to the car.

When we got to the car it was foggy.  Sam and Ryan were inside.  Jake looked in and took my arm to go the other way.  "What are they doing?" I asked. "What do you think?" Jake asked.  "I thought Sam was a virgin!" I said. Jake replied "Not since I've known her!"

Later we drove away. Jake and I were in the back seat. I kissed him on the cheek. He said "If we are going to do this we are going to do it right." Then he kissed me.  We made out.  He kissed my neck and my ears. It was an amazing feeling to be with him.  

Sam was telling me about something Ryan said during sex. Ryan got so mad.  Ryan got out and kicked the car.  Sam and him were arguing.  Ryan then took his shirt off and and lit it on fire with his lighter. Then he stomped on the t-shirt.  Sam and I drove off.  I suddenly realized that they had left their cigarettes in the car so we drove back.

Sam and Ryan got in the car and talked.  They drove around the block.  Jake and I talked on the steps of his house.

Sam and I drove off. When Sam was going to drop me off at home there was a Police car sitting there.  I told her to drive around for a while.  I knew my mom must have called the cops because I wasn't home.  We were driving closer to her house when this cop car stopped us.  He asked for our ID's. When he realized who we were he arrested both of us.  Then he put us in different cop cars.

I looked at Sam in the cop car in front of me. She mouthed to me "I'm going to jail." She was 17 and charged as an adult.  Her step dad had his name on the car that she drove so she was charged with stealing a car.  I was charged with joy riding.

 I was brought to the Police Station. My mom came to pick me up.  As soon as I could I called Jake and Ryan. Bridgette answered and told me that Sam had already called from jail. Bridgette is Jake's girlfriend.  I finally went to sleep.

Jake quotes that I remember: "I thought you older... Can I kidnap you?.. You are the prettiest girl I've kissed."

Sneaking out with Sam

July 6th

The other night Sam and I sneaked out from 2AM until 5AM.  We went to Kristi's and Country Kitchen.  The police came to C.K. We got paranoid and sat with the people in front of us. We laughed a lot!

Last night Sam drove my Step Dad's car. We went to Kristi's and drove around.  A cop pulled us over and told us it was passed curfew. He also told us that our lights weren't on.  He said he wouldn't give us a ticket if we just went straight home.  We went in the basement to talk. She rode her bike home around 4am.  My step dad drove his car today. I'm paranoid that he knows that we took it out.

Tomorrow I have to go to court for shoplifting.  I'm so scared. I want to run away.

I talked to Eric last night. I hadn't talked to him in 2 weeks.  He is moving to Utah at the end of August.  I'm going to miss him!

Josh has written me a couple of times in Emails. He wanted to know if I was coming back to S.V.A. because he heard that.  He said he wishes he could tell me stuff that was going on.  I don't feel like writing back.

Karen sent me an Email too. She told me that when she was in Mexico she got really drunk and tried cocaine.  She was with her guy cousin and 5 other guys.  She feels really stupid because she got in the car with her cousin who had drank 10 beers.  Her mom had gotten mad that she stayed out so late.  She wrote "Even your little decisions count. They can change your life forever. Change sucks. I feel like I'm two people and I wonder what my other self would have done in Mexico.  I'm so bored here in Maryland."  I miss Karen so much!

*The sad thing is I never saw Eric again.  And a year later a guy in my class told me that he committed suicide after he moved to Utah.

I have to go to court for shoplifting

July 2nd

Last night my mom took me over to her friend Ann's house to watch the movie "American Beauty".  It was really good and definitely left an impression on me!

It's going to be the 4th of July soon.  People are really setting off fireworks!

It's 2AM.  I can't sleep.  I wish Sam wasn't grounded from the phone because then we could sneak out and do something. I know she sneaks out, but I wish I could talk to her on the phone to know for sure if she is.  She has before and I didn't hear the rocks that she threw at my window.  I need some excitement right now.  The summer is just flying by.  I'm going to be depressed when it's over.   I really need to do something fun soon! All I'm doing is working lately.

On the 7th I have to go to court for shoplifting. I tried to steal a lipstick from Shopko.  It was the most embarrassing thing ever.  They had all these cameras in the back room.  My mom had to come get me. She had been looking at plants outside the store.  The sad thing was I had $20 in my pocket. At that point it was too late and they wouldn't let me pay for it.  I cried all night about it.  I do such stupid things sometimes.

You know in the last 2 months 2 guys wanted to ask me out.  Well, one did, and one wanted to.  I really have no reason to complain that guys don't like me,  I seem to be longing for a guy.  Sometimes I even think about wanting to have sex.  I'm still a virgin.  I just love guy attention!

Sam's Birthday

June 6th

Back story: Shane (Sam's Ex boyfriend) was at Kristi's house and Sam saw him. He had been in jail and he had gotten out.  Sam is scared of him. She knew he had some fine's to pay so she called the police.  He got arrested and is still in jail.

A week ago on Saturday it was Sam's 17th Birthday on the 17th of this month. It was her Golden Birthday!  Travis, Adam, and Sam showed up at my house. We walked to Kristi's house. Travis kept trying to put his arm around me.  When we got to Kristi's Travis left with Kristi and two bigger girls.

 Now it was Adam, Jake, Sam, and me.  We walked around town. Jake was doing crazy things. He was spitting out water at Sam and me.  Then he would put his lighter up at our butts.  Sam was flirting with him big time. She was saying all kinds of tempting things. Once she even got her gum in his mouth. Sam can get really crazy sometimes.  Adam spanked Sam 17 times and Jake held on to her.

We ended up at Rocky Rococo's. Jake said he wasn't hungry, but he kept trying to grab the pizza from my hands. He was also throwing salt and while Adam threw pepper. How immature!  Jake is 20 years old!

Then Sam yelled "Eric!"  I was like "Where?" And then I saw him.  I ran over to him and gave him a hug.  Then Sam sat on the other side of him and I sat next to him.  She soon sat by Adam and Jake again.  I stayed to talk to Eric.

Adam's mom came to pick him up.  He lives a half hour away.  Sam left with Jake to get him some shoes.  This whole time he hadn't been wearing any.

Eric paid my way in to this underage club called the Warehouse.  After a while of listening to the band we started talking.  A little while later we left and looked for Sam and Jake.  We gave up and sat down on a bench to talk. Eric walked me home. He kissed me good bye.

Side story: Jake is mad at me right now. He is such a Jerk!  A couple days ago he was whipping me and Sam with a spatula and calling us "Hoes"! I got mad and said "I feel bad for your son, Austin!"  He got really mad. He even threatened to kill me!  I said, "I'm so tired of your shit!" He said, "I don't care if you were joking, but no one says anything to him about his son!"  I guess he is protective of his son.

You know what? For some reason I want pot right now.  I heard this funny song at Kristi's house today.  It got stuck in my head.  The song was "I want to be a Hippy" by Technohead.  "I want to be a hippie and I want to get stoned Mari-Marijuana.."

I feel empty inside

June 24th

I sit here watching it get darker through my window. There are no tears to fall from my eyes. I feel empty inside and my heart feels heavy.  I feel as if someone sucked all the happiness out of me. I feel as if my mind and body are disconnected. It's a really weird feeling. I feel so numb and unfeeling right now. I feel as if I'm lost and unattached to people. I long for Eric to put his arms around me. I feel like screaming, but I'm too weak. All my energy and happiness is gone. All hope seems lost. If I could just feel like myself again. If only I could turn back time.

I'm a "cool chick"

June 3rd

I talked to Eric today, but he's grounded till the 10th!  Man, that sucks! He told Sam that I'm a "cool chick" and that we are going to have a long talk some time.  I wonder what he is going to say to me? I wish that we could do something together! Sam leaves tomorrow for California.  I'll miss her! I hope we can hang out tonight!

Wanting to be kissed

May 16th

I daydream about kissing you. You want me to be your girlfriend. I'm scared, I've been used before. I don't know if I can trust again. Will you respect me? What do you want from me? I don't need another make out partner.  I need a soul mate, a friend, and someone who cares. I'm not ready to be broken again. If I give you the key to my heart, will you promise not to lose it? And don't turn your back on me when you have had enough of me. I hate to be ignored. Why the hell am I so scared to love someone? I can't explain it, but it's there. I just don't want to be thrown away. Please show me that I can be loved. Just be patient with me and I will soon be yours. Try to be understanding even though I'm hard to understand. I know I've been holding back, but I don't know what will happen if I show you how I really feel about you.  I'm not good with what comes after that.

The New Friends (Part 4)

*Continued from the Richie Story (Part 3)

At lunch time I didn't know who I could sit with.  Then I noticed this girl Tonya that I knew from my last High School that I went to. She was sitting with this girl Rachel.  I decided to sit with them. They were sitting by these two girls named Kelly and Angie.  From then on Kelly, Angie and me all sat together at lunch. It was usually only the 3 of us.

It didn't take long for me to realize that Kelly and Angie left lunch to smoke pot. They were in my History Class that was right after lunch.  They used to ask if I wanted to smoke with them. I would say no.  

One day I decided to go with them and a few other people. Kelly had a car so we all hopped in.  I told myself that I wouldn't smoke any pot. After I looked around and saw everyone else smoking pot, I gave in and did it too.  I wanted to fit in with these people and I knew it was the only way they would accept me.  At first, it was to fit in, but then I actually liked smoking pot.  

From then on Kelly, Angie and me would drive around and smoke pot during lunch. We would get the Munchies and get food. And sometimes we would just skip History class all together so we could hang out longer. 

Sometimes I would go with Kelly and Angie after school too. I met some cool people that they hung out with. It was fun to smoke pot and chill with these people, but I didn't feel like we could talk about much.  

Soon I found a new friend.  Her name was Samantha.  I could really talk to her.  She didn't smoke pot, so we connected on a different level than the people I had been hanging out with. We talked a lot on the phone.  

At the end of school I had lost some numbers and realized that I didn't have Angie or Kelly's number.  They didn't call me and we lost touch after school ended.  I hung out with Sam for the summer.

The Richie Story (smoking weed and making out) (Part 3)

*Continued from My Trip to the Psych Ward (Part 2)

When I got out of the Psych Ward I went to school the next day.  I wrote this guy I liked named Richie. I wrote that I liked him. The next day was a Friday and we met up after school. We started walking to his house. We saw his friends Cody and Dustin.  They asked if we wanted to smoke some weed.  I admitted that I had never done it before. They said they would show me how to smoke it.  They couldn't believe I had never smoked before and asked where I had been.  I smoked for the first time and it felt pretty good.  

When we got to Richie's house he asked me what movie he should put in. I actually really didn't care. He put in some Vampire movie.  We sat on the couch and he kissed me.  This was my first french kiss with a guy! I was used to things going slow, but he didn't waste 5 minutes! He pinned me on the couch. He tried to unbutton my pants.  I moved his hand away. He kept trying.  Now his hand was down my pants and I could hardly breath from the endless kissing. 

The last time I did this it was with Whitney.  I was trying to decide who was a better kisser and if I liked it from girls or guys.  I was confused.  I didn't know what I was supposed to think or feel. Was this really how it was supposed to be?  I wanted my first make out session with a guy to be special.  I know I told him that I had a crush on him, but I didn't think he would move this fast!  He even had asked me on the phone if I was a virgin.  I told him I was, and I know he lied and said he was too.  

I finally got up the nerve to tell him to stop having his hand down my pants. He seemed kinda annoyed, but he took his hand away. I wasn't ready to get fingered.  We ended up making out on the floor. I remember his saying, "God, your beautiful!" I was getting so tired, but he wasn't done yet! He pulled down his pants. He then put my hand on his dick and I gave him a hand job. 

A little while later, he walked me half way home.  He kissed me Good Bye.  I watched him skate board away.  It was after midnight when I got home. My parents were asleep. 

The next night Richie called me asking me to go to a party with him. I made up an excuse that I had to watch my little brother.  I think I was just scared about what he expected of me.  I wasn't ready to have sex with him.  He sounded disappointed on the phone. 

When I saw Richie at school it was weird. We really had nothing to say to each other. I guess we never really talked much before either. I honestly think he wanted to see how far he could go with me sexually.  I didn't get too upset about it. I mean, how could I? I had set myself up by telling him I had a crush on him.  

My Trip to the Psych Ward (Part 2)

*Continued from the Whitney Story.

When I got to the hospital they took me to a room where I had to put on a Hospital gown.  The nurse checked my heart rate as I finished the bottle of Charcoal they gave me.  In the Ambulance they gave me a bottle of water to help it go down. The nurse took me to another room and I waited for my Mom. Then this guy had me lie on a table so he could check my heart.  He put all these little circles all over my body that were connected by wires to a machine. 

 He then took me to the Psych Ward. This lady asked me a whole bunch of questions. Towards the end of the evaluation and filling out paperwork the ink on the paper started changing from black to blue. My hands started to shake a little bit. My Mom was sitting next to me through this. 

I had to say Good Bye to my Mom and they escorted me to my room in the Psych Ward. What happened after that was Hell. I sat on the Bed that I was staying in.  I was all alone at this point. I started to hear people on the other side of the wall. They were making noises at me. Then they started singing "Na Na Na Na Na" over and over. I thought there was someone pounding on the other side of the wall wanting to get at me. I remember screaming because my head felt so messed up. I felt like I had lost my mind. 

I ran out of the room. I told a guy that worked there about the people on the other side of the room.  He took me to the other side of the room.  He showed me that it was only Betsy reading a book and sitting quietly on her bed.  

I then went into my room and laid on the bed. I wondered how long it would take before I felt normal again. I was so scared. My short term memory sucked so it was hard to remember normal things.  I went to the bathroom and forgot to pull my pants up. Luckily no one saw because the bathroom was in my room. I tried to go to sleep, but my eyes wouldn't stay closed. I blacked out at times because there was water on my shirt at one point and I had no idea how it got there. At one point I heard this loud buzzing noise and it sounded like Bees were after me.  My throat hurt from my heart beating so fast. My hands clenched into fists.  To make sure I didn't dig my nails into my hands I stuck my hands between my legs. It felt like things were crawling on me at times.  I was afraid to be by myself so at one point I sat in the hallway. When people talked to me my head felt less weird.  I wish I knew how to explain the weird feeling in my head.  

The nurse made me drink two more bottles of Charcoal that night. I threw up a lot. It was awful. I started to see people that weren't there. My roommate was in there for a little while and when ever I would ask her if there was a person there she would say they weren't there. I even would see people's heads spin around. I would close my eyes, but the images were still there. It was all in my head. The nurses checked my blood pressure about every half hour or so. They had to make sure my heart wasn't going to stop. The next day my stomach hurt so much from throwing up all night. I had to stay there for 5 days.

The Depressing Black Hole (Written a week before I went into the Psych Ward)

I felt as if I fell into a hole in the ground and instead of being able to climb out I just kept falling deeper. No one heard my screams. No one knew how alone I felt in that hole. No one seemed to know how to get me out. People could try to help me out, but I was the only one that could really do it. Instead of finding a way out, I became sad, alone, angry, and frustrated.  I felt like I was going insane. I hated myself for not being able to climb out of the Black Hole.  There seemed to be no hope and I wanted to die.  I thought that I might never get out and be happy again. I felt so stupid for falling in that hole. I ended up not caring anymore what happened to me. I gave up. I didn't have the motivation to get myself out anymore.  I pretty much hit rock bottom.
I finally got out of the Black Hole. I can see the sun shining down on me. I'm smiling.  Even though I look happy I'm filled with fear inside me that I might fall back into that same Black Hole again.  I feel good right now, but I'm still trying to recover from all the times that I fell.  There is still a sadness that is inside of me that is ready to come out when the sun isn't shining and a dark cloud covers the sky. I'm trying so hard not to fall in that terrible black hole again.

The Whitney Story (Part 1)

*I wrote in more detail about the French Kiss story and what happened after. Here it is:

I was in Spanish Class when this girl with blue spiked hair said "Who are you?" I said "Janelle" Her name was Whitney.  After that we started talking. I started going to her house a lot after school. I thought she was really cool. I knew she had a crush on me. She tried to get me to go to these groups for Gay's and Lesbians, but I never went. I'm glad I always had an excuse when these things took place. We hung out almost every day.

For a few days she kept mentioning this trip she was taking to Appleton with her Dad for the weekend. She wanted me to go with her.  She said it gets boring with out a friend there. On the day she was leaving she kept calling to see if I could come.  I got home and got all of her messages.  She came over to my house because I hadn't called back yet. So much for patience.  She kept persisting that I come, so finally I said yes.

We drove out there and things were o.k., but they thought making loud burping noises was funny.  I was stuck in the car with her Dad, little brother, and Whitney.  Whitney showed me some notes that this girl Emily wrote her.  She thought they were hilarious because apparently the girl had a crush on her.

When we got there we went to the bowling alley.  Whitney's Dad met his girlfriend there.  She had her niece and nephew along.  Whitney sang two Karaoke songs at the Bar.  Her Dad made a huge deal about her being so good.  She kept drinking from her Dad's drink when he wasn't looking.  She told me that she didn't drink.  When everyone was getting ready to leave Whitney and I went back to get our coats. Her Dad and his girlfriend left a lot of beer in a pitcher.  Whitney poured a glass. She told me to drink some. So I finished off the glass slowly.  She kept pushing me to drink more. I think Whitney finished off a glass. And we finished off another one together. She definitely wasn't new to drinking and she drank more than me.

The nephew of the girlfriend and Whitney's little brother went to her Dad's apt. to play video games.  The rest of us went to the girlfriend's apt. (in walking distance of his).  The niece went to sleep in the other room. The Dad and the girlfriend were drinking red wine. They offered some to Whitney and me. I tried some, but didn't like it. Then we started watching the movie The Matrix.  The girlfriend and the Dad fell asleep on the couch together.  I had my head on a pillow laying on Whitney.  Whitney started playing with my long hair. Then she started rubbing my back and around the top of my shirt. Something about it was very sensual.  I almost had a thought that she wanted to kiss me.  For a moment I might have and to this day I don't know why I felt that way.  Maybe I had some "Bi-Curious" in me. The truth is I find some girls really pretty. I don't see kissing them as a big deal.

Later, we walked back to the Dad's apt. We got ready for bed. We slept in her Dad's King size bed.  I was laying there. Thoughts of kissing her swirled through my head. I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer.  I confessed  that I kind of wanted to kiss her. I was just thinking a brush against the lips.  The I turned around.  She said "Come here.." She french kissed me. I turned around again.  I didn't expect that and on top of that I had to process what just happened.  She said "What?" I said "I actually have never had a tongue in my mouth before." Not sure what was said after that, but a full on make out session happened next.  She kissed my boobs as well.  I had my period so not much more happened sexually. I remember looking at the time and we kissed for over an hour.  She held me around the waist and we went to sleep.

In the morning, she held on to me, but every time her Dad came in the room she let me go. We had to get ready to go to this picnic thing in the woods. They had food and hot chocolate in this building. I had a terrible headache and I felt out of it.  Possibly, my first hang over. I was also really tired.  We didn't get to sleep till around 7AM. Whitney brought her guitar and she sang.  We sat around a camp fire. When it got dark, we went inside. Most people had left at this point. The people that were left were friends of the Dad's. His girlfriend was there too. We were all sitting around a big table. There were about 8 of us there. The Dad wanted everyone to hear Whitney play her guitar and sing again. They all listened to her. I'll admit, she had a great singing voice, but her Dad makes such a big deal about it. I needed to go to the bathroom which was an outhouse.  Of course Whitney followed me.  When I came out she kissed me. I pulled away, but she kissed me again.  When were were walking back he said she was scared of the dark and wanted to hold my hand.  Yeah, I'm sure she was really scared. We went back in and everyone talked for a while. I felt like I wasn't even there.

The next day was the last day of the weekend. Whitney sitting on the couch and watched the movie "American Pie".  We had a blanket over us. She put her hand down my pants, but I made her stop. She thought I was mad at her. I told her I wasn't. I was just confused at how I felt about her.

Before we left Appleton we went to the Mall. We drove back to our small town.  I remember reading some of her notes in the car.  I found one from this girl Sarah. I met her at Whitney's house.  She is Bi too. One part of the note said "You turned Janelle, Bi?" I asked Whitney about it and she said "Oh, you weren't supposed to read that." Then she started whispering in my ear all kinds of crazy questions.  "Do I make you horny?" "Are you Bi?" When I didn't respond she pushed on "Come on! Tell me!" I was so confused. Then we started writing notes back and forth. I told her that she might have made me horny when we had our make out session. I told her I wasn't sure if I was Bi. She slipped her hand between my legs and put her head on my lap. I didn't tell her to get up.

The next day I didn't want to go to school. I got really depressed. Whitney called me from school and was so annoyed that I didn't show up. On Tuesday a Truancy Officer took me to school. I got ISS (In School Suspension). I served it in the Tardy Room. A lot of people end up there if they don't want to go to class. Whitney ended up showing up. Eric (a guy that I met in the Psych Ward when I was there in January) was in there as well. There was also this guy named Richie in there too. It was completely full.  Richie and me flirted and I found out he thought I was cute. He wrote to Whitney and she then wrote to me. Whitney started writing really nasty things to me. She kept writing all the things that I did that were annoying. I felt like I was going crazy. I was getting very close to losing it, but I hadn't yet.  Whitney stayed in there another hour. Emily (The one that had a crush on Whitney) came in the room. At one point Whitney was reading a note from Emily.  Emily tried to grab the notes back from Whitney. They suddenly were in a full out cat fight in the middle of the room. They had to go to the Principles Office.

The next day Whitney and I started talking again. We were on the bus for out Choir Trip to sing some where. I sat with Chelsea (She is Richie's Sister). On the way back I sat with Whitney. She claimed she was in a bad mood because she was hung over. We got into a big yelling match. The last thing she said was "I don't want to ever talk to you again. I'm serious!" I moved into an empty seat in front of her.

That night I had racing thoughts. I was so hard to concentrate on anything. I got really depressed. Whitney had not only become my best friend, but she was my only friend.

The next day I didn't want to go to school again. My mom threatened  to call the Truant Officer. I got mad and pushed my magazine shelf over. The officer came. I had locked myself in the bathroom. I ended up coming out. I tried to hit him, but he grabbed my arm. When he let go I ran. I hid behind some boxes down in the basement. My Mom found me, but she ended up leaving me there. The Officer came down and started yelling at me. He said stuff like "You should stop playing games. I'm sick of coming here to get you to go to school. You are so immature." He ended up leaving. I sat there and cried.

I kept getting thoughts in my head that I was a bad person and I should punish myself. I thought at this point that no one liked me. I went upstairs.  I took half a bottle of Wellbrutrin (Anti-Depressant). These were pills that had been prescribed to me at my trip the Psych Ward.  Not long after I went down stairs and admitted that I had taken a bunch of pills to my mother. She asked if I was serious. I told her I was.  I went up stairs and took a few more pills. I took some Trazedone (Sleeping Pill) thinking that it would help me sleep. Maybe if I woke up from all this I would wake up happy from the Wellbrutrin. In the mean time My mother called poison Control and then they told her to call 911. I came down the stairs as if nothing had happened. I even got out of my pajamas and into street clothes before the Ambulance People came.

A lady got there from the Ambulance. She started asking me all sorts of questions like how many pills did I take. The Truant Officer from before came back to witness this all going down. The lady and this guy took me in the Ambulance. I laid on the stretcher and they made me drink Charcoal.  It was black, thick and tasted really nasty.

In my next entry I will tell you about my second trip to the Psych Ward.