When I got to the hospital they took me to a room where I had to put on a Hospital gown. The nurse checked my heart rate as I finished the bottle of Charcoal they gave me. In the Ambulance they gave me a bottle of water to help it go down. The nurse took me to another room and I waited for my Mom. Then this guy had me lie on a table so he could check my heart. He put all these little circles all over my body that were connected by wires to a machine.
He then took me to the Psych Ward. This lady asked me a whole bunch of questions. Towards the end of the evaluation and filling out paperwork the ink on the paper started changing from black to blue. My hands started to shake a little bit. My Mom was sitting next to me through this.
I had to say Good Bye to my Mom and they escorted me to my room in the Psych Ward. What happened after that was Hell. I sat on the Bed that I was staying in. I was all alone at this point. I started to hear people on the other side of the wall. They were making noises at me. Then they started singing "Na Na Na Na Na" over and over. I thought there was someone pounding on the other side of the wall wanting to get at me. I remember screaming because my head felt so messed up. I felt like I had lost my mind.
I ran out of the room. I told a guy that worked there about the people on the other side of the room. He took me to the other side of the room. He showed me that it was only Betsy reading a book and sitting quietly on her bed.
I then went into my room and laid on the bed. I wondered how long it would take before I felt normal again. I was so scared. My short term memory sucked so it was hard to remember normal things. I went to the bathroom and forgot to pull my pants up. Luckily no one saw because the bathroom was in my room. I tried to go to sleep, but my eyes wouldn't stay closed. I blacked out at times because there was water on my shirt at one point and I had no idea how it got there. At one point I heard this loud buzzing noise and it sounded like Bees were after me. My throat hurt from my heart beating so fast. My hands clenched into fists. To make sure I didn't dig my nails into my hands I stuck my hands between my legs. It felt like things were crawling on me at times. I was afraid to be by myself so at one point I sat in the hallway. When people talked to me my head felt less weird. I wish I knew how to explain the weird feeling in my head.
The nurse made me drink two more bottles of Charcoal that night. I threw up a lot. It was awful. I started to see people that weren't there. My roommate was in there for a little while and when ever I would ask her if there was a person there she would say they weren't there. I even would see people's heads spin around. I would close my eyes, but the images were still there. It was all in my head. The nurses checked my blood pressure about every half hour or so. They had to make sure my heart wasn't going to stop. The next day my stomach hurt so much from throwing up all night. I had to stay there for 5 days.
The Depressing Black Hole (Written a week before I went into the Psych Ward)
I felt as if I fell into a hole in the ground and instead of being able to climb out I just kept falling deeper. No one heard my screams. No one knew how alone I felt in that hole. No one seemed to know how to get me out. People could try to help me out, but I was the only one that could really do it. Instead of finding a way out, I became sad, alone, angry, and frustrated. I felt like I was going insane. I hated myself for not being able to climb out of the Black Hole. There seemed to be no hope and I wanted to die. I thought that I might never get out and be happy again. I felt so stupid for falling in that hole. I ended up not caring anymore what happened to me. I gave up. I didn't have the motivation to get myself out anymore. I pretty much hit rock bottom.
I finally got out of the Black Hole. I can see the sun shining down on me. I'm smiling. Even though I look happy I'm filled with fear inside me that I might fall back into that same Black Hole again. I feel good right now, but I'm still trying to recover from all the times that I fell. There is still a sadness that is inside of me that is ready to come out when the sun isn't shining and a dark cloud covers the sky. I'm trying so hard not to fall in that terrible black hole again.
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