I was in Spanish Class when this girl with blue spiked hair said "Who are you?" I said "Janelle" Her name was Whitney. After that we started talking. I started going to her house a lot after school. I thought she was really cool. I knew she had a crush on me. She tried to get me to go to these groups for Gay's and Lesbians, but I never went. I'm glad I always had an excuse when these things took place. We hung out almost every day.
For a few days she kept mentioning this trip she was taking to Appleton with her Dad for the weekend. She wanted me to go with her. She said it gets boring with out a friend there. On the day she was leaving she kept calling to see if I could come. I got home and got all of her messages. She came over to my house because I hadn't called back yet. So much for patience. She kept persisting that I come, so finally I said yes.
We drove out there and things were o.k., but they thought making loud burping noises was funny. I was stuck in the car with her Dad, little brother, and Whitney. Whitney showed me some notes that this girl Emily wrote her. She thought they were hilarious because apparently the girl had a crush on her.
When we got there we went to the bowling alley. Whitney's Dad met his girlfriend there. She had her niece and nephew along. Whitney sang two Karaoke songs at the Bar. Her Dad made a huge deal about her being so good. She kept drinking from her Dad's drink when he wasn't looking. She told me that she didn't drink. When everyone was getting ready to leave Whitney and I went back to get our coats. Her Dad and his girlfriend left a lot of beer in a pitcher. Whitney poured a glass. She told me to drink some. So I finished off the glass slowly. She kept pushing me to drink more. I think Whitney finished off a glass. And we finished off another one together. She definitely wasn't new to drinking and she drank more than me.
The nephew of the girlfriend and Whitney's little brother went to her Dad's apt. to play video games. The rest of us went to the girlfriend's apt. (in walking distance of his). The niece went to sleep in the other room. The Dad and the girlfriend were drinking red wine. They offered some to Whitney and me. I tried some, but didn't like it. Then we started watching the movie The Matrix. The girlfriend and the Dad fell asleep on the couch together. I had my head on a pillow laying on Whitney. Whitney started playing with my long hair. Then she started rubbing my back and around the top of my shirt. Something about it was very sensual. I almost had a thought that she wanted to kiss me. For a moment I might have and to this day I don't know why I felt that way. Maybe I had some "Bi-Curious" in me. The truth is I find some girls really pretty. I don't see kissing them as a big deal.
Later, we walked back to the Dad's apt. We got ready for bed. We slept in her Dad's King size bed. I was laying there. Thoughts of kissing her swirled through my head. I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer. I confessed that I kind of wanted to kiss her. I was just thinking a brush against the lips. The I turned around. She said "Come here.." She french kissed me. I turned around again. I didn't expect that and on top of that I had to process what just happened. She said "What?" I said "I actually have never had a tongue in my mouth before." Not sure what was said after that, but a full on make out session happened next. She kissed my boobs as well. I had my period so not much more happened sexually. I remember looking at the time and we kissed for over an hour. She held me around the waist and we went to sleep.
In the morning, she held on to me, but every time her Dad came in the room she let me go. We had to get ready to go to this picnic thing in the woods. They had food and hot chocolate in this building. I had a terrible headache and I felt out of it. Possibly, my first hang over. I was also really tired. We didn't get to sleep till around 7AM. Whitney brought her guitar and she sang. We sat around a camp fire. When it got dark, we went inside. Most people had left at this point. The people that were left were friends of the Dad's. His girlfriend was there too. We were all sitting around a big table. There were about 8 of us there. The Dad wanted everyone to hear Whitney play her guitar and sing again. They all listened to her. I'll admit, she had a great singing voice, but her Dad makes such a big deal about it. I needed to go to the bathroom which was an outhouse. Of course Whitney followed me. When I came out she kissed me. I pulled away, but she kissed me again. When were were walking back he said she was scared of the dark and wanted to hold my hand. Yeah, I'm sure she was really scared. We went back in and everyone talked for a while. I felt like I wasn't even there.
The next day was the last day of the weekend. Whitney sitting on the couch and watched the movie "American Pie". We had a blanket over us. She put her hand down my pants, but I made her stop. She thought I was mad at her. I told her I wasn't. I was just confused at how I felt about her.
Before we left Appleton we went to the Mall. We drove back to our small town. I remember reading some of her notes in the car. I found one from this girl Sarah. I met her at Whitney's house. She is Bi too. One part of the note said "You turned Janelle, Bi?" I asked Whitney about it and she said "Oh, you weren't supposed to read that." Then she started whispering in my ear all kinds of crazy questions. "Do I make you horny?" "Are you Bi?" When I didn't respond she pushed on "Come on! Tell me!" I was so confused. Then we started writing notes back and forth. I told her that she might have made me horny when we had our make out session. I told her I wasn't sure if I was Bi. She slipped her hand between my legs and put her head on my lap. I didn't tell her to get up.
The next day I didn't want to go to school. I got really depressed. Whitney called me from school and was so annoyed that I didn't show up. On Tuesday a Truancy Officer took me to school. I got ISS (In School Suspension). I served it in the Tardy Room. A lot of people end up there if they don't want to go to class. Whitney ended up showing up. Eric (a guy that I met in the Psych Ward when I was there in January) was in there as well. There was also this guy named Richie in there too. It was completely full. Richie and me flirted and I found out he thought I was cute. He wrote to Whitney and she then wrote to me. Whitney started writing really nasty things to me. She kept writing all the things that I did that were annoying. I felt like I was going crazy. I was getting very close to losing it, but I hadn't yet. Whitney stayed in there another hour. Emily (The one that had a crush on Whitney) came in the room. At one point Whitney was reading a note from Emily. Emily tried to grab the notes back from Whitney. They suddenly were in a full out cat fight in the middle of the room. They had to go to the Principles Office.
The next day Whitney and I started talking again. We were on the bus for out Choir Trip to sing some where. I sat with Chelsea (She is Richie's Sister). On the way back I sat with Whitney. She claimed she was in a bad mood because she was hung over. We got into a big yelling match. The last thing she said was "I don't want to ever talk to you again. I'm serious!" I moved into an empty seat in front of her.
That night I had racing thoughts. I was so hard to concentrate on anything. I got really depressed. Whitney had not only become my best friend, but she was my only friend.
The next day I didn't want to go to school again. My mom threatened to call the Truant Officer. I got mad and pushed my magazine shelf over. The officer came. I had locked myself in the bathroom. I ended up coming out. I tried to hit him, but he grabbed my arm. When he let go I ran. I hid behind some boxes down in the basement. My Mom found me, but she ended up leaving me there. The Officer came down and started yelling at me. He said stuff like "You should stop playing games. I'm sick of coming here to get you to go to school. You are so immature." He ended up leaving. I sat there and cried.
I kept getting thoughts in my head that I was a bad person and I should punish myself. I thought at this point that no one liked me. I went upstairs. I took half a bottle of Wellbrutrin (Anti-Depressant). These were pills that had been prescribed to me at my trip the Psych Ward. Not long after I went down stairs and admitted that I had taken a bunch of pills to my mother. She asked if I was serious. I told her I was. I went up stairs and took a few more pills. I took some Trazedone (Sleeping Pill) thinking that it would help me sleep. Maybe if I woke up from all this I would wake up happy from the Wellbrutrin. In the mean time My mother called poison Control and then they told her to call 911. I came down the stairs as if nothing had happened. I even got out of my pajamas and into street clothes before the Ambulance People came.
A lady got there from the Ambulance. She started asking me all sorts of questions like how many pills did I take. The Truant Officer from before came back to witness this all going down. The lady and this guy took me in the Ambulance. I laid on the stretcher and they made me drink Charcoal. It was black, thick and tasted really nasty.
In my next entry I will tell you about my second trip to the Psych Ward.
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