Sam went to jail for 6 days

November 20th

What I wanted to tell you yesterday was that I had a dream that I was addicted to cigarettes! It was weird and I was hanging out with strange people. 

Anyway, I checked my email. Sam wrote me. She was in jail for 6 days because she wrote "Fuck you Pig" on a police car. Really stupid! She says she is coming back in December. We will see what happens. She is still my really good friend, but I don't want to get in trouble with her. I don't even know if we will be able to see each other. 

I've been sitting in my room just thinking about shit. Everything is swirling in my head. I've thought about when I used to go during lunch to smoke pot with Angie and Kelly. Other people were sometimes there too. A few times Sissy was there. Kelly had a car. And now every time I smoked pot is going through my head. Then I was thinking about all the times I was with Samantha (Sam). 

Then there was Josh. We both had low self-esteem and were there for each other. He gave me so much attention. It was nice to have someone like me so much. He made me feel so special. No one will ever understand "Josh and me" because I don't even know what it was myself. What I do know is that we were really close and told each other a lot of stuff. Josh really cared about me and claimed he loved me. Everyone said I shouldn't want Josh.  I did sometimes though. Other times the attention got to be too much. Now I miss it. 

I remember a lot of stuff that happened in the last year (the Police, the people, the stupid things I did). It's all coming back. And another thing, in 2 days it will be Thanksgiving. Last year on Thanksgiving I dance with Mohamed (my cousin Carl's friend). I also remember being in the car with them. Carl telling me not to end up being as slut and weird stuff like that. At one point we stopped and Mohamed went in the store. I remember telling Carl that at one point I had a crush on him when I was younger. He asked why I didn't anymore. I said that he was my cousin. And he said that it was only through marriage. I know that Mohamed thought I was pretty and I think he had a little crush on me. 

Now that I look back on it I'm wondering what Carl was thinking during that conversation. The bad thing is I thought of kissing him before. I know that it's through marriage, but he's still my cousin. The other thing is that it's a bad sign. I usually only have that thought when a guy likes me. Maybe there is an exception to the rule. I don't know. This is all too weird! I don't think it's right for me to think of him like that.