It's raining and I'm crying

November 1st

Tonight it's raining. I didn't go anywhere.  I took two caffeine pills today.  I have so much energy.  I want to take more tomorrow.

I kind of want a party for my 17th Birthday.  It probably won't happen.  I just hope that being 17 is better than being 16!  I've learned so much.  I wish I could tell other teenagers what I know now.

 There are tears rolling down my face right now. I'm hurting really bad. I don't know if I will ever go away.  Maybe someday it will, but I guess I will have to deal with it for now. I wish there was a way to release all this sadness. When I'm with people I can forget how sad I am.  When I'm alone it's another story.  I have time to remember the pain I'm in when I sit by myself.

I want to tell you about guys.  It's been bothering me. I'm going to talk about them all.

First, it was Josh.  He told me that he was in love with me, but all we did was talk across the country on the phone.  At the time he was 20 and I was 15.  I met him when I went away to a Christian Boarding school in Virginia. He lived in the small town where the school was.  I used to tell him everything.  He later married a woman he met on the internet. The last time I talked to him he was such a jerk.

Second, it was Steve. We were both 15 at the time.  We went out for a little over a month.  We only kissed on the mouth and no tongue.  We don't talk anymore, but I was told that he has a boyfriend now.

Third, it was Richie.   He was my first french kiss. We don't talk anymore either.

Then Eric who is now in Utah.  Then Jake who is now in Jail. He won't get out for 2 more years. Then Jon who is getting married to Kim. Then another Jon who's phone got disconnected.  Then Bill who is going out with Ashleigh officially. Now I'm with George.

Oh wait.  There was also Dan.  I was 13 and he was 12 when were going out.  He was my neighbor when I was a kid.  He was my first true love. I miss him.