Did you know that I've kissed 14 guys now? Not all were french kissing though. Two of them were dares. I've also kissed two girls. I was dared to kiss my friend Meghan when I was 15. We were on a school bus and we got a dollar for it. The other girl was crazy Whitney.
I will list the guys so I never forget: Dan, Andy, Bob, Sam, Mike, Steve, Richie, Eric, Jake, Jon, another Jon, another Andy, Bill, and George. There you have it. What it basically shows is that guys do like me even though 2 of those were dares.
People say that I'm pretty, so I guess it's true. What I have a problem with is my self esteem. I have a hard time loving myself as a person. I hope that some day I will be able to fight that something in my head that always makes me feel bad about myself.
Do you ever want to run away? I do. Everything is so depressing right now. I get sad a lot these days. I don't know what to do about it. Feeling alone isn't a great way to feel. Nothing really that bad has happened, but I have plenty of reasons to be depressed. Maybe it's pathetic that I feel this way. And maybe I'm never really happy. Maybe I just laugh to mask the pain. Ok now that's really depressing. I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't feel like I have control over anything. I have so much pent up anger. I'm trying to hold on here, but this just isn't a fun ride anymore. I feel like it's the same damn ride every time. I can't stand it. The ride never seems to end. Maybe you think I should stop complaining and be happy with what I do have. I think I have a right to feel this way.
So I talked to Kristi on the phone the other day. She told me that Jake is out of jail! He is living with Bridgette and her mom. Ryan is back in town. He came to Kristi's house looking for Jake last night. I hope that I never see him again. He is such an asshole. He threatened to kill Sam. Kristi told me that Jake went to Kristi's house 3 weeks ago. I wish I could have seen him. I guess I'm not really over him.
A couple weekends ago I went with this guy Kerry and this guy Sam to Jen's house. We watched to movie The Skulls. Kerry kept rubbing my leg. I had to tell him to stop because I'm still going out with George. I wish I didn't have to tell Kerry that.
I haven't seen George in a while. I think he moved to the other part of town. I want to see him. I wonder if he still wants to be with me. He never calls anymore. I really need to talk to him. I have this feeling that we should break up.
Written later:
Here I am again with the tears streaming down my cheeks. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't help it. Everything has changed. Nothing ever stays the same in life.
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