Sick of crying

November 15th

I'm so sad. I seem to cry a lot lately. I'm overwhelmed and I have anxiety. I can't stand this.  I want some pot.  It takes the edge off. I would do anything just to be happy.

I finally got to see George at school.  It was so good to have him put his arms around me again.

I'm listening to the band Garbage right now. The tears are rolling down my face. All I want to know is when I'm going to stop hurting. It's killing me inside. I'm so tired of crying. I laugh, but it's an illusion that I'm happy. When I'm with people I act happy. I never let people see me cry.  When I'm at home I cry to get the pain out. I just want to scream sometimes. There is a part of me that wants to give up, but I tell that side of me to shut up. If that makes any sense. Being depressed is the worst feeling in the world.  I feel so fucked up in my head. Some day I want to be happy.

Learning to love myself

November 13th

Did you know that I've kissed 14 guys now? Not all were french kissing though. Two of them were dares. I've also kissed two girls. I was dared to kiss my friend Meghan when I was 15.  We were on a school bus and we got a dollar for it.  The other girl was crazy Whitney.

I will list the guys so I never forget: Dan, Andy, Bob, Sam, Mike, Steve, Richie, Eric, Jake, Jon, another Jon, another Andy, Bill, and George. There you have it. What it basically shows is that guys do like me even though 2 of those were dares.

People say that I'm pretty, so I guess it's true.  What I have a problem with is my self esteem.  I have a hard time loving myself as a person. I hope that some day I will be able to fight that something in my head that always makes me feel bad about myself.

Do you ever want to run away? I do.  Everything is so depressing right now. I get sad a lot these days.  I don't know what to do about it. Feeling alone isn't a great way to feel. Nothing really that bad has happened, but I have plenty of reasons to be depressed. Maybe it's pathetic that I feel this way.  And maybe I'm never really happy. Maybe I just laugh to mask the pain. Ok now that's really depressing. I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't feel like I have control over anything. I have so much pent up anger. I'm trying to hold on here, but this just isn't a fun ride anymore. I feel like it's the same damn ride every time.  I can't stand it. The ride never seems to end. Maybe you think I should stop complaining and be happy with what I do have. I think I have a right to feel this way.

So I talked to Kristi on the phone the other day.  She told me that Jake is out of jail!  He is living with Bridgette and her mom. Ryan is back in town.  He came to Kristi's house looking for Jake last night.  I hope that I never see him again. He is such an asshole. He threatened to kill Sam.  Kristi told me that Jake went to Kristi's house 3 weeks ago. I wish I could have seen him. I guess I'm not really over him.

A couple weekends ago I went with this guy Kerry and this guy Sam to Jen's house. We watched to movie The Skulls. Kerry kept rubbing my leg. I had to tell him to stop because I'm still going out with George. I wish I didn't have to tell Kerry that.

I haven't seen George in a while. I think he moved to the other part of town.  I want to see him.  I wonder if he still wants to be with me. He never calls anymore. I really need to talk to him. I have this feeling that we should break up.

Written later:
Here I am again with the tears streaming down my cheeks. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't help it.  Everything has changed.  Nothing ever stays the same in life.

It's raining and I'm crying

November 1st

Tonight it's raining. I didn't go anywhere.  I took two caffeine pills today.  I have so much energy.  I want to take more tomorrow.

I kind of want a party for my 17th Birthday.  It probably won't happen.  I just hope that being 17 is better than being 16!  I've learned so much.  I wish I could tell other teenagers what I know now.

 There are tears rolling down my face right now. I'm hurting really bad. I don't know if I will ever go away.  Maybe someday it will, but I guess I will have to deal with it for now. I wish there was a way to release all this sadness. When I'm with people I can forget how sad I am.  When I'm alone it's another story.  I have time to remember the pain I'm in when I sit by myself.

I want to tell you about guys.  It's been bothering me. I'm going to talk about them all.

First, it was Josh.  He told me that he was in love with me, but all we did was talk across the country on the phone.  At the time he was 20 and I was 15.  I met him when I went away to a Christian Boarding school in Virginia. He lived in the small town where the school was.  I used to tell him everything.  He later married a woman he met on the internet. The last time I talked to him he was such a jerk.

Second, it was Steve. We were both 15 at the time.  We went out for a little over a month.  We only kissed on the mouth and no tongue.  We don't talk anymore, but I was told that he has a boyfriend now.

Third, it was Richie.   He was my first french kiss. We don't talk anymore either.

Then Eric who is now in Utah.  Then Jake who is now in Jail. He won't get out for 2 more years. Then Jon who is getting married to Kim. Then another Jon who's phone got disconnected.  Then Bill who is going out with Ashleigh officially. Now I'm with George.

Oh wait.  There was also Dan.  I was 13 and he was 12 when were going out.  He was my neighbor when I was a kid.  He was my first true love. I miss him.

Tears

October 29th

I'm feeling really terrible. I'm so angry and upset about my life. I'm so depressed. I can't take it anymore. I want to die. I hate my life and I don't care about anything anymore. You don't know how much I'm hurting. I want to smash something so bad. I'm so tired of everything. I don't know what to do.

Tears stream down my face. I gasp for air thinking of the past. Thinking of all the people I miss. I feel weak and empty inside. I feel so alone. I feel like I'm in a black hole. Darkness surrounds me and nothing seems bright.  I'm too tired to smile. There is no more hope. I have no more happiness. I just don't care anymore. I wish I could make it all stop.

My one month with George

October 24th

I saw Sam last Wednesday.  She met me at Walgreens. We only got to hang out for 45 minutes.  Then Casey and his mom picked her up. It was so sad to see her go!

 

Danielle and I went to Oktoberfest.  We had so much fun!  We hung out with her ex boyfriend, Brian, and his two friends.  At Brian's house we smoked 3 blunts.  I got so high. We watched the movie Belly.  

This past September 25th, George asked me out by the bus. Later that day, I  called him to come by Ashleigh's house so we could do something. Ashleigh wasn't home so we walked around.  He showed me where he lived. We walked to the park by my house. He gave me a hug.  He asked, "Do I get a kiss?" I said, "Yes.." He then kissed me a few times. By tomorrow we will have been going out for a month!

George might be moving to the other side of town. I hope that he can still go to my high school! 

I hate this year! I think it's been one of the worst years of my life. I feel pretty alone right now.  

I'm going out with a new guy

September 28th

I just talked to Sam. She told me that she is still living with Casey, but they aren't going out anymore. On Monday I'm going to see Sam and her new boyfriend Steve. Sam and I aren't supposed to see each other, but that isn't going to stop us. Sam had a miscarriage. She has a restraining order against Ryan now. She told me that she is on Prozac.  She was recently in the hospital because she got drunk one day and it mixed badly with the Prozac.

Last night I hung out with my neighbor Danielle and her friend Robert.  We just chilled at her house. Tomorrow night we are going to Okoberfest together.

I'm going out with this guy George that I met at school.  I will tell you more about him later.

The beauty of a rose

September 22nd

I long for something that is not there. I want to be close to all the people I love and care about. I fuck'n want all the craziness to stop. Why can't life be more simple? Why does there have to be change? I hate that the most! It's left my heart broken too many times.

There is so much beauty, but beware of the ugly side of things. Just like the beauty of a rose and and its ugly thorns. Sometimes I just want to squeeze something until there is nothing left. Tears don't always fall from my eyes, but trust me I'm crying enough on the inside. I need something to hold on to. I need it to guide me through all the tough times in my life. I'm so overwhelmed! I feel like I'm going crazy!

Real Love

September 11th

I kissed 6 guys this past summer.  What I realize now is that I really want is someone to love and for someone to love me back!  I want a guy to appreciate ME! I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me.  I want to be left breathless when he kisses me.  I want it to be real. I want it to last a long time. I want his kisses to be something special. Is this too much for me to ask?

Sam gets probation

September 6th

When Sam went to court recently, they gave her 50 hours of community service.  They also gave her probation for 2 years.  Later, she went with her parents to fill out the probation papers and the probation officer told her that we can no longer talk.  In a previous entry I wrote about how Sam and I sneaked out and got caught by the police for stealing her family's car and me joy riding.

Sam's parent's are legally emancipating her.  I talked to her a week ago. and she is really depressed. She said she has been having suicidal thoughts.  I hope she will be ok.

The last time I saw Bill was at the Mudvane show at the Warehouse. He kissed me good bye when he dropped me off. I never can get a hold of him! I'm so confused about him.  Plus, I don't really know if I can trust him.

I feel kind of alone. I'm depressed.  I was sick with a sinus infection.  I don't want to go back to school tomorrow. School really sucks and I don't wan to be there.

I cried so much when Sam left my house last Monday.  I know she cried too. I'm going to miss her.

Bill and I finally kiss

August 26th

I just got back from Walgreens to get some ice cream. I tried to call Bill, but the line was busy.  I called Ashleigh and she told me that she was talking to Bill online. I told her to tell him to call me, but I don't think she told him. I know she still likes him.  I asked her if I could come over and she said yes.

I walked to her house. She was hanging with Kim and Jenny. They were all outside when I got there.  Arlyss ,Ashleigh's ex boyfriend, called from Bill's house. Soon after Kim and Jenny left. Ashleigh went up to her room to change clothes because we were going to Bill's house. Dan was there too. Dan likes Ashleigh a lot, but she doesn't really like him like that.

While Ash was getting ready Shane and Shannon showed up. Then Dan, Bill, and Arlyss showed up. We all hung out on Ash's porch for a while.

Later, at Bill's house we watched the South Park movie and Can't Hardly Wait. Bill and I cuddled on the chair when we watched them.

We then went to Riverside Park. Ashleigh, Arylss, and Dan walked off when we got there. Bill and I went to his car alone. We went to Rocky Rococo's for pizza. Then Bill drove me home.

We finally kissed! We made out for a bit. Then at midnight I said I had to go. I'm going to call him on Monday.

Dan told me that Ashleigh is so pissed at me! I hate when people are mad at me! She probably thinks I stayed out all night with Bill. Didn't happen!

Tomorrow Sam is coming to my house. I can't wait to see her!

I finally got to talk to Bill

August 24th

I called Bill today. I finally got to talk to him, but it wasn't for long.  At least I we finally got to talk.  I also got to talk to my friend Ashleigh for a bit.

Samantha and I talked on the phone and she is going spend the night on Sunday. I can't wait to see her! She told me that she saw Eric before he left for Utah.  He gave her a hug good bye.  She told him to call me before he left, but he never did.  I'm sad about that!

Karen, my friend that lives in Maryland, and I talked on the phone for a while.  I miss her so much!  We both wish she could live near me.  She is kind of bored.  I need a good friend here. She is kind of depressed that the summer is almost over and that school is starting soon. I don't want to go to school either.

Jon or Bill?

August 23rd

Guess what? Jon's number works now! If I really wanted to I could talk to him tonight. After the first ring I hung up! I freaked! Now I need to decide who I really like, Jon or Bill.  I don't know what to do.   I don't really know either of them that well.  I think they both like me, but now what? I just keep thinking of Jon kissing me. Then I go back to Bill and me cuddling, and all the stuff he said to me.  It's all starting to drive me crazy now. I'm so dreamy now thinking about them both.  They both made me laugh, which is making me laugh just thinking about it.

Oh no! What if Jon found another girl?  It's been 2 weeks since I talked to him! Well, maybe then I wouldn't have to choose between him and Bill.

I have to go to court now. To be continued...

I just got home from court.  The case had to do with me joy riding over the summer with Sam when we sneaked and she took her family's car.  I have an agreement that I can't get into any more trouble till February.  I also have 20 hours of community service.

I'm working at a Pizza place now.  While I was at work Sam called.  I got the message that she is coming on the 27th.  She wants me to me to go to court with her on the 28th.  I called her back, but Casey her boyfriend told me she was at a friends house.

I called Bill, but his mom told me that she hadn't seen him all day.  I hope that i get to talk to him soon!

I called Jon's number again.  Bad news!  By the second ring I got a voice that told me that the number was out of order.  Oh well.  At least now I know I should focus on Bill.  If not, then I hope I meet a cute guy when school starts.

If we could only turn back time

August 22nd

I'm sitting in my room listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers. I tried to call Bill before, but it was busy forever! I hope I can talk to him soon!  I still can't get over the fact that people actually went up to Ashleigh and said I was a Hoe. Whatever!
'
Samantha called. We talked for a while. She is going out with this guy Casey.  She is living with him and his mother. She starts school tomorrow. I wish that she could go to school with me! She told me that she got high with weed a few times there. She is coming here on the 28th for court. I can't wait to see her!

You know who I miss? Jake!  Sam told me that she missed him too! Remember she lived with him this past summer?  He was like a brother to her.  I was falling for him. Why did he have to Fuck Summer and go to jail? That stupid Slut! He wouldn't be in jail if it wasn't for her.  I miss going to his apt.!

I used to be scared of the future. I guess I still am, but not as much as I used to be. I just hope that I make smarter choices in the future.

Do you ever think about chain reactions?  Like if this wouldn't have happened, then this wouldn't have happened? It's really weird to think about.  What "If's" too!  Sometimes I get so mad!  I mean, don't you ever wish you could turn back time and do things differently? I have plenty of times!

I just want to be loved

August 21st

I can't sleep.  I'm kind of depressed. I mean lets see... Sam is gone in another city, I'm grounded, people think I'm a slut, Ashliegh loves Bill and is pissed that he likes me, Jake is in jail, I miss my friends out East, Jon's phone is disconnected, Eric moved away.  Everything is bothering me right now.

I've said this before "I just want someone to put their arms around me, love me, and tell me that everything will be alright." I'm scared of being alone in this world. I feel so lost.  It takes a lot to make me cry these days. I take antidepressants and they modify the pain.  I don't like being 16 years old. It's depressing, frustrating, painful, and maddening! Who knows if age 17 will be any better.

I can't sleep. I want someone to talk to. I feel so weird right now. I think I'm going to organize my closet.  I have to get my mind off shit.

Sam is pregnant

August 20th

Thursday I went to an underage club called Southclub with Corey and Paul.  Corey left with some girl.  I saw a girl I knew named Michelle and her friend Dawn. Michelle left with some people to get drunk.  Paul gave Dawn a ride home. I saw some people I knew from my old high school. I danced with Kerry.  Kerry and his two friends Ryan and Tony drove me home. Kerry held my hand the whole way there.

On Friday Sam called to tell me that her and Ryan broke up.  He is in jail for smashing the windshield of this guy's car that Sam was hanging out with. He got jealous. Sam is now 1 month pregnant with Ryan's baby.  She is going to live with this girl Jackie that we both know. She lives about an hour away. I'm going to miss hanging out with Sam.

On Friday night, I went with Ashliegh, Bill, and Dan to the underage club the Warehouse.  It was fun! There was just a DJ instead of a band.  Ashleigh really likes Bill. Ashleigh and Bill have been hanging out all week.  The bad part is that now Bill and Dan both like me.

On Saturday night I went to the Warehouse with both Bill, Dan, and Ashleigh.  During the Benjamin Band Bill put his arms around me.  Ash and Dan got mad so they both left.  Midtown was an awesome band!  Bill dragged me up to the front. Later Bill took some people home in his car.

Bill took me to this grave yard where his friend is buried.  He told me that there is only one of his high school friends alive.  He said that in high school his friends played with a Ouija board one night. After that his friends started dying.  Then we went up to the Bluff and parked.  We talked till 2AM. He put his arms around me in the back seat, but he didn't kiss me. When I got home my mom was mad and grounded me.

Ashleigh is so mad at Bill and me. He could have been charged with kidnapping me.  I could have been charged with curfew.  She told me that Bill and her stayed out till 4AM. Her mother grounded her for 3 months. She thought Bill would have learned the first time. Bill was scared when she told him he could have gone to jail. He just really wanted someone to talk to and I was there.

Today Ash told me that 3 guys asked her if I "Put Out" since I left with Bill that night. Two girls asked her if I was a "Hoe".  Whitney Chase told her that I was "Bi" and that I'm her Ex girlfriend. She thought Ash was my new girlfriend.  She asked about Bill and me.  She even said that she wanted to kiss me again. I wouldn't be surprised if Whitney was the one telling everyone I'm a hoe.  I don't like Whitney at all!

Jake is in jail

August 14th

So 13 days ago I was with Kim and Shane. We went to the park and met these guys there (Chris, Jon, and Dominique).  They gave us their address and phone number.  We went there that night.

When we got there Jon and I sat on the couch.  We started kissing.  They were all drinking beers.  I only had a couple sips.  The cops came because there was a noise complaint.  One of the cops recognized me. The same cop later knocked on the door again.  I guess my mom was looking for me.  The cop drove me home and I got a curfew ticket.  He made me blow a breathalyzer, but I passed.  So glad I didn't drink more.

Jake is in jail because he had sex with Summer.  She is only 15 years old and he is 20.  Bridgette caught them.  I have a feeling she told her mom and she called the cops on him. She wants Bridgette and him to stay together. Bridgette is now pregnant with Jake's baby.  She is probably staying with her mom now because they got evicted from their apartment. I don't know where Sam and Ryan went. I miss Sam!

Lately, I've been hanging out with Kim and Ashleigh. We always hang out at this underage club called the Warehouse.  We play pool and listen to bands.  Recently Ashleigh and Arylss broke up. I know she is upset.

I told you that Ashleigh read my Tarot cards. She is totally right!  My Dad is coming back!  He is in NYC now.  I can't believe it!

Sam doesn't live with her parents anymore

July 23rd

Samantha's parents emancipated her.  She is now living with Ryan, Bridgette, and Jake. I go there a lot. Kim was in jail with Sam and is now living there too.  Jason was there for a little while too after he ran away from his group home.  Jon was also living there for a bit, but they threw him out one night.  It was a crazy house.

Jon kissed me in the bathroom one day. He wanted us to see each other. I love Jake though so I hope that Jon shows up so that I can tell him I don't want to be with him.

Ryan called the cops on Jon and he was put in jail.  Kim was his friend.  She called the jail looking for him 2 days ago. I guess he had gotten out 5 minutes before that.  No one has heard from him though.

Ashleigh is my new friend.  She read my tarot cards.  She said that Jake and I will end up together. I hope we do!

Samantha isn't a virgin

July 11th

I guess the best way of putting it is, Surprise, Surprise, Samantha is not a virgin!  She lied to me so many times about that! Do you want to know how I found out? Well, let's see, Samantha (Sam) and I were going to sneak out.  I had spent the night at her house Sunday, and we sneaked out taking her car.  We went to go get Ryan, her boyfriend, and cruised around.  Ryan wanted to do it again the next night so it was a plan.

On Monday night at 1AM I got picked up. Ryan and Jake were already in the car.  We drove around. At one point we stopped at Jake's house. Bridgette told Sam that her Step Dad had called wondering where she was.

Sam then wanted to go to her house to check if the lights were on.  For some reason Sam decided to go inside and her Step Dad grabbed her arm. He said "Where do you think you're going?" She ran out and we drove away.

Sam was losing it. She kept crying.  She calmed down eventually.  We stopped at the Gas station to get gas. Jake went inside to get cigarettes.  We finally stopped at a park.  Sam and Ryan went off somewhere.  Jake and I sat under a bridge.  We talked and I told him I was falling for him. He told me that he was the reason he came along.  We were getting bitten by mosquitoes so we walked back to the car.

When we got to the car it was foggy.  Sam and Ryan were inside.  Jake looked in and took my arm to go the other way.  "What are they doing?" I asked. "What do you think?" Jake asked.  "I thought Sam was a virgin!" I said. Jake replied "Not since I've known her!"

Later we drove away. Jake and I were in the back seat. I kissed him on the cheek. He said "If we are going to do this we are going to do it right." Then he kissed me.  We made out.  He kissed my neck and my ears. It was an amazing feeling to be with him.  

Sam was telling me about something Ryan said during sex. Ryan got so mad.  Ryan got out and kicked the car.  Sam and him were arguing.  Ryan then took his shirt off and and lit it on fire with his lighter. Then he stomped on the t-shirt.  Sam and I drove off.  I suddenly realized that they had left their cigarettes in the car so we drove back.

Sam and Ryan got in the car and talked.  They drove around the block.  Jake and I talked on the steps of his house.

Sam and I drove off. When Sam was going to drop me off at home there was a Police car sitting there.  I told her to drive around for a while.  I knew my mom must have called the cops because I wasn't home.  We were driving closer to her house when this cop car stopped us.  He asked for our ID's. When he realized who we were he arrested both of us.  Then he put us in different cop cars.

I looked at Sam in the cop car in front of me. She mouthed to me "I'm going to jail." She was 17 and charged as an adult.  Her step dad had his name on the car that she drove so she was charged with stealing a car.  I was charged with joy riding.

 I was brought to the Police Station. My mom came to pick me up.  As soon as I could I called Jake and Ryan. Bridgette answered and told me that Sam had already called from jail. Bridgette is Jake's girlfriend.  I finally went to sleep.

Jake quotes that I remember: "I thought you older... Can I kidnap you?.. You are the prettiest girl I've kissed."

Sneaking out with Sam

July 6th

The other night Sam and I sneaked out from 2AM until 5AM.  We went to Kristi's and Country Kitchen.  The police came to C.K. We got paranoid and sat with the people in front of us. We laughed a lot!

Last night Sam drove my Step Dad's car. We went to Kristi's and drove around.  A cop pulled us over and told us it was passed curfew. He also told us that our lights weren't on.  He said he wouldn't give us a ticket if we just went straight home.  We went in the basement to talk. She rode her bike home around 4am.  My step dad drove his car today. I'm paranoid that he knows that we took it out.

Tomorrow I have to go to court for shoplifting.  I'm so scared. I want to run away.

I talked to Eric last night. I hadn't talked to him in 2 weeks.  He is moving to Utah at the end of August.  I'm going to miss him!

Josh has written me a couple of times in Emails. He wanted to know if I was coming back to S.V.A. because he heard that.  He said he wishes he could tell me stuff that was going on.  I don't feel like writing back.

Karen sent me an Email too. She told me that when she was in Mexico she got really drunk and tried cocaine.  She was with her guy cousin and 5 other guys.  She feels really stupid because she got in the car with her cousin who had drank 10 beers.  Her mom had gotten mad that she stayed out so late.  She wrote "Even your little decisions count. They can change your life forever. Change sucks. I feel like I'm two people and I wonder what my other self would have done in Mexico.  I'm so bored here in Maryland."  I miss Karen so much!

*The sad thing is I never saw Eric again.  And a year later a guy in my class told me that he committed suicide after he moved to Utah.

I have to go to court for shoplifting

July 2nd

Last night my mom took me over to her friend Ann's house to watch the movie "American Beauty".  It was really good and definitely left an impression on me!

It's going to be the 4th of July soon.  People are really setting off fireworks!

It's 2AM.  I can't sleep.  I wish Sam wasn't grounded from the phone because then we could sneak out and do something. I know she sneaks out, but I wish I could talk to her on the phone to know for sure if she is.  She has before and I didn't hear the rocks that she threw at my window.  I need some excitement right now.  The summer is just flying by.  I'm going to be depressed when it's over.   I really need to do something fun soon! All I'm doing is working lately.

On the 7th I have to go to court for shoplifting. I tried to steal a lipstick from Shopko.  It was the most embarrassing thing ever.  They had all these cameras in the back room.  My mom had to come get me. She had been looking at plants outside the store.  The sad thing was I had $20 in my pocket. At that point it was too late and they wouldn't let me pay for it.  I cried all night about it.  I do such stupid things sometimes.

You know in the last 2 months 2 guys wanted to ask me out.  Well, one did, and one wanted to.  I really have no reason to complain that guys don't like me,  I seem to be longing for a guy.  Sometimes I even think about wanting to have sex.  I'm still a virgin.  I just love guy attention!

Sam's Birthday

June 6th

Back story: Shane (Sam's Ex boyfriend) was at Kristi's house and Sam saw him. He had been in jail and he had gotten out.  Sam is scared of him. She knew he had some fine's to pay so she called the police.  He got arrested and is still in jail.

A week ago on Saturday it was Sam's 17th Birthday on the 17th of this month. It was her Golden Birthday!  Travis, Adam, and Sam showed up at my house. We walked to Kristi's house. Travis kept trying to put his arm around me.  When we got to Kristi's Travis left with Kristi and two bigger girls.

 Now it was Adam, Jake, Sam, and me.  We walked around town. Jake was doing crazy things. He was spitting out water at Sam and me.  Then he would put his lighter up at our butts.  Sam was flirting with him big time. She was saying all kinds of tempting things. Once she even got her gum in his mouth. Sam can get really crazy sometimes.  Adam spanked Sam 17 times and Jake held on to her.

We ended up at Rocky Rococo's. Jake said he wasn't hungry, but he kept trying to grab the pizza from my hands. He was also throwing salt and while Adam threw pepper. How immature!  Jake is 20 years old!

Then Sam yelled "Eric!"  I was like "Where?" And then I saw him.  I ran over to him and gave him a hug.  Then Sam sat on the other side of him and I sat next to him.  She soon sat by Adam and Jake again.  I stayed to talk to Eric.

Adam's mom came to pick him up.  He lives a half hour away.  Sam left with Jake to get him some shoes.  This whole time he hadn't been wearing any.

Eric paid my way in to this underage club called the Warehouse.  After a while of listening to the band we started talking.  A little while later we left and looked for Sam and Jake.  We gave up and sat down on a bench to talk. Eric walked me home. He kissed me good bye.

Side story: Jake is mad at me right now. He is such a Jerk!  A couple days ago he was whipping me and Sam with a spatula and calling us "Hoes"! I got mad and said "I feel bad for your son, Austin!"  He got really mad. He even threatened to kill me!  I said, "I'm so tired of your shit!" He said, "I don't care if you were joking, but no one says anything to him about his son!"  I guess he is protective of his son.

You know what? For some reason I want pot right now.  I heard this funny song at Kristi's house today.  It got stuck in my head.  The song was "I want to be a Hippy" by Technohead.  "I want to be a hippie and I want to get stoned Mari-Marijuana.."

I feel empty inside

June 24th

I sit here watching it get darker through my window. There are no tears to fall from my eyes. I feel empty inside and my heart feels heavy.  I feel as if someone sucked all the happiness out of me. I feel as if my mind and body are disconnected. It's a really weird feeling. I feel so numb and unfeeling right now. I feel as if I'm lost and unattached to people. I long for Eric to put his arms around me. I feel like screaming, but I'm too weak. All my energy and happiness is gone. All hope seems lost. If I could just feel like myself again. If only I could turn back time.

I'm a "cool chick"

June 3rd

I talked to Eric today, but he's grounded till the 10th!  Man, that sucks! He told Sam that I'm a "cool chick" and that we are going to have a long talk some time.  I wonder what he is going to say to me? I wish that we could do something together! Sam leaves tomorrow for California.  I'll miss her! I hope we can hang out tonight!

Wanting to be kissed

May 16th

I daydream about kissing you. You want me to be your girlfriend. I'm scared, I've been used before. I don't know if I can trust again. Will you respect me? What do you want from me? I don't need another make out partner.  I need a soul mate, a friend, and someone who cares. I'm not ready to be broken again. If I give you the key to my heart, will you promise not to lose it? And don't turn your back on me when you have had enough of me. I hate to be ignored. Why the hell am I so scared to love someone? I can't explain it, but it's there. I just don't want to be thrown away. Please show me that I can be loved. Just be patient with me and I will soon be yours. Try to be understanding even though I'm hard to understand. I know I've been holding back, but I don't know what will happen if I show you how I really feel about you.  I'm not good with what comes after that.

The New Friends (Part 4)

*Continued from the Richie Story (Part 3)

At lunch time I didn't know who I could sit with.  Then I noticed this girl Tonya that I knew from my last High School that I went to. She was sitting with this girl Rachel.  I decided to sit with them. They were sitting by these two girls named Kelly and Angie.  From then on Kelly, Angie and me all sat together at lunch. It was usually only the 3 of us.

It didn't take long for me to realize that Kelly and Angie left lunch to smoke pot. They were in my History Class that was right after lunch.  They used to ask if I wanted to smoke with them. I would say no.  

One day I decided to go with them and a few other people. Kelly had a car so we all hopped in.  I told myself that I wouldn't smoke any pot. After I looked around and saw everyone else smoking pot, I gave in and did it too.  I wanted to fit in with these people and I knew it was the only way they would accept me.  At first, it was to fit in, but then I actually liked smoking pot.  

From then on Kelly, Angie and me would drive around and smoke pot during lunch. We would get the Munchies and get food. And sometimes we would just skip History class all together so we could hang out longer. 

Sometimes I would go with Kelly and Angie after school too. I met some cool people that they hung out with. It was fun to smoke pot and chill with these people, but I didn't feel like we could talk about much.  

Soon I found a new friend.  Her name was Samantha.  I could really talk to her.  She didn't smoke pot, so we connected on a different level than the people I had been hanging out with. We talked a lot on the phone.  

At the end of school I had lost some numbers and realized that I didn't have Angie or Kelly's number.  They didn't call me and we lost touch after school ended.  I hung out with Sam for the summer.