The Richie Story (smoking weed and making out) (Part 3)

*Continued from My Trip to the Psych Ward (Part 2)

When I got out of the Psych Ward I went to school the next day.  I wrote this guy I liked named Richie. I wrote that I liked him. The next day was a Friday and we met up after school. We started walking to his house. We saw his friends Cody and Dustin.  They asked if we wanted to smoke some weed.  I admitted that I had never done it before. They said they would show me how to smoke it.  They couldn't believe I had never smoked before and asked where I had been.  I smoked for the first time and it felt pretty good.  

When we got to Richie's house he asked me what movie he should put in. I actually really didn't care. He put in some Vampire movie.  We sat on the couch and he kissed me.  This was my first french kiss with a guy! I was used to things going slow, but he didn't waste 5 minutes! He pinned me on the couch. He tried to unbutton my pants.  I moved his hand away. He kept trying.  Now his hand was down my pants and I could hardly breath from the endless kissing. 

The last time I did this it was with Whitney.  I was trying to decide who was a better kisser and if I liked it from girls or guys.  I was confused.  I didn't know what I was supposed to think or feel. Was this really how it was supposed to be?  I wanted my first make out session with a guy to be special.  I know I told him that I had a crush on him, but I didn't think he would move this fast!  He even had asked me on the phone if I was a virgin.  I told him I was, and I know he lied and said he was too.  

I finally got up the nerve to tell him to stop having his hand down my pants. He seemed kinda annoyed, but he took his hand away. I wasn't ready to get fingered.  We ended up making out on the floor. I remember his saying, "God, your beautiful!" I was getting so tired, but he wasn't done yet! He pulled down his pants. He then put my hand on his dick and I gave him a hand job. 

A little while later, he walked me half way home.  He kissed me Good Bye.  I watched him skate board away.  It was after midnight when I got home. My parents were asleep. 

The next night Richie called me asking me to go to a party with him. I made up an excuse that I had to watch my little brother.  I think I was just scared about what he expected of me.  I wasn't ready to have sex with him.  He sounded disappointed on the phone. 

When I saw Richie at school it was weird. We really had nothing to say to each other. I guess we never really talked much before either. I honestly think he wanted to see how far he could go with me sexually.  I didn't get too upset about it. I mean, how could I? I had set myself up by telling him I had a crush on him.  

My Trip to the Psych Ward (Part 2)

*Continued from the Whitney Story.

When I got to the hospital they took me to a room where I had to put on a Hospital gown.  The nurse checked my heart rate as I finished the bottle of Charcoal they gave me.  In the Ambulance they gave me a bottle of water to help it go down. The nurse took me to another room and I waited for my Mom. Then this guy had me lie on a table so he could check my heart.  He put all these little circles all over my body that were connected by wires to a machine. 

 He then took me to the Psych Ward. This lady asked me a whole bunch of questions. Towards the end of the evaluation and filling out paperwork the ink on the paper started changing from black to blue. My hands started to shake a little bit. My Mom was sitting next to me through this. 

I had to say Good Bye to my Mom and they escorted me to my room in the Psych Ward. What happened after that was Hell. I sat on the Bed that I was staying in.  I was all alone at this point. I started to hear people on the other side of the wall. They were making noises at me. Then they started singing "Na Na Na Na Na" over and over. I thought there was someone pounding on the other side of the wall wanting to get at me. I remember screaming because my head felt so messed up. I felt like I had lost my mind. 

I ran out of the room. I told a guy that worked there about the people on the other side of the room.  He took me to the other side of the room.  He showed me that it was only Betsy reading a book and sitting quietly on her bed.  

I then went into my room and laid on the bed. I wondered how long it would take before I felt normal again. I was so scared. My short term memory sucked so it was hard to remember normal things.  I went to the bathroom and forgot to pull my pants up. Luckily no one saw because the bathroom was in my room. I tried to go to sleep, but my eyes wouldn't stay closed. I blacked out at times because there was water on my shirt at one point and I had no idea how it got there. At one point I heard this loud buzzing noise and it sounded like Bees were after me.  My throat hurt from my heart beating so fast. My hands clenched into fists.  To make sure I didn't dig my nails into my hands I stuck my hands between my legs. It felt like things were crawling on me at times.  I was afraid to be by myself so at one point I sat in the hallway. When people talked to me my head felt less weird.  I wish I knew how to explain the weird feeling in my head.  

The nurse made me drink two more bottles of Charcoal that night. I threw up a lot. It was awful. I started to see people that weren't there. My roommate was in there for a little while and when ever I would ask her if there was a person there she would say they weren't there. I even would see people's heads spin around. I would close my eyes, but the images were still there. It was all in my head. The nurses checked my blood pressure about every half hour or so. They had to make sure my heart wasn't going to stop. The next day my stomach hurt so much from throwing up all night. I had to stay there for 5 days.

The Depressing Black Hole (Written a week before I went into the Psych Ward)

I felt as if I fell into a hole in the ground and instead of being able to climb out I just kept falling deeper. No one heard my screams. No one knew how alone I felt in that hole. No one seemed to know how to get me out. People could try to help me out, but I was the only one that could really do it. Instead of finding a way out, I became sad, alone, angry, and frustrated.  I felt like I was going insane. I hated myself for not being able to climb out of the Black Hole.  There seemed to be no hope and I wanted to die.  I thought that I might never get out and be happy again. I felt so stupid for falling in that hole. I ended up not caring anymore what happened to me. I gave up. I didn't have the motivation to get myself out anymore.  I pretty much hit rock bottom.
I finally got out of the Black Hole. I can see the sun shining down on me. I'm smiling.  Even though I look happy I'm filled with fear inside me that I might fall back into that same Black Hole again.  I feel good right now, but I'm still trying to recover from all the times that I fell.  There is still a sadness that is inside of me that is ready to come out when the sun isn't shining and a dark cloud covers the sky. I'm trying so hard not to fall in that terrible black hole again.

The Whitney Story (Part 1)

*I wrote in more detail about the French Kiss story and what happened after. Here it is:

I was in Spanish Class when this girl with blue spiked hair said "Who are you?" I said "Janelle" Her name was Whitney.  After that we started talking. I started going to her house a lot after school. I thought she was really cool. I knew she had a crush on me. She tried to get me to go to these groups for Gay's and Lesbians, but I never went. I'm glad I always had an excuse when these things took place. We hung out almost every day.

For a few days she kept mentioning this trip she was taking to Appleton with her Dad for the weekend. She wanted me to go with her.  She said it gets boring with out a friend there. On the day she was leaving she kept calling to see if I could come.  I got home and got all of her messages.  She came over to my house because I hadn't called back yet. So much for patience.  She kept persisting that I come, so finally I said yes.

We drove out there and things were o.k., but they thought making loud burping noises was funny.  I was stuck in the car with her Dad, little brother, and Whitney.  Whitney showed me some notes that this girl Emily wrote her.  She thought they were hilarious because apparently the girl had a crush on her.

When we got there we went to the bowling alley.  Whitney's Dad met his girlfriend there.  She had her niece and nephew along.  Whitney sang two Karaoke songs at the Bar.  Her Dad made a huge deal about her being so good.  She kept drinking from her Dad's drink when he wasn't looking.  She told me that she didn't drink.  When everyone was getting ready to leave Whitney and I went back to get our coats. Her Dad and his girlfriend left a lot of beer in a pitcher.  Whitney poured a glass. She told me to drink some. So I finished off the glass slowly.  She kept pushing me to drink more. I think Whitney finished off a glass. And we finished off another one together. She definitely wasn't new to drinking and she drank more than me.

The nephew of the girlfriend and Whitney's little brother went to her Dad's apt. to play video games.  The rest of us went to the girlfriend's apt. (in walking distance of his).  The niece went to sleep in the other room. The Dad and the girlfriend were drinking red wine. They offered some to Whitney and me. I tried some, but didn't like it. Then we started watching the movie The Matrix.  The girlfriend and the Dad fell asleep on the couch together.  I had my head on a pillow laying on Whitney.  Whitney started playing with my long hair. Then she started rubbing my back and around the top of my shirt. Something about it was very sensual.  I almost had a thought that she wanted to kiss me.  For a moment I might have and to this day I don't know why I felt that way.  Maybe I had some "Bi-Curious" in me. The truth is I find some girls really pretty. I don't see kissing them as a big deal.

Later, we walked back to the Dad's apt. We got ready for bed. We slept in her Dad's King size bed.  I was laying there. Thoughts of kissing her swirled through my head. I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer.  I confessed  that I kind of wanted to kiss her. I was just thinking a brush against the lips.  The I turned around.  She said "Come here.." She french kissed me. I turned around again.  I didn't expect that and on top of that I had to process what just happened.  She said "What?" I said "I actually have never had a tongue in my mouth before." Not sure what was said after that, but a full on make out session happened next.  She kissed my boobs as well.  I had my period so not much more happened sexually. I remember looking at the time and we kissed for over an hour.  She held me around the waist and we went to sleep.

In the morning, she held on to me, but every time her Dad came in the room she let me go. We had to get ready to go to this picnic thing in the woods. They had food and hot chocolate in this building. I had a terrible headache and I felt out of it.  Possibly, my first hang over. I was also really tired.  We didn't get to sleep till around 7AM. Whitney brought her guitar and she sang.  We sat around a camp fire. When it got dark, we went inside. Most people had left at this point. The people that were left were friends of the Dad's. His girlfriend was there too. We were all sitting around a big table. There were about 8 of us there. The Dad wanted everyone to hear Whitney play her guitar and sing again. They all listened to her. I'll admit, she had a great singing voice, but her Dad makes such a big deal about it. I needed to go to the bathroom which was an outhouse.  Of course Whitney followed me.  When I came out she kissed me. I pulled away, but she kissed me again.  When were were walking back he said she was scared of the dark and wanted to hold my hand.  Yeah, I'm sure she was really scared. We went back in and everyone talked for a while. I felt like I wasn't even there.

The next day was the last day of the weekend. Whitney sitting on the couch and watched the movie "American Pie".  We had a blanket over us. She put her hand down my pants, but I made her stop. She thought I was mad at her. I told her I wasn't. I was just confused at how I felt about her.

Before we left Appleton we went to the Mall. We drove back to our small town.  I remember reading some of her notes in the car.  I found one from this girl Sarah. I met her at Whitney's house.  She is Bi too. One part of the note said "You turned Janelle, Bi?" I asked Whitney about it and she said "Oh, you weren't supposed to read that." Then she started whispering in my ear all kinds of crazy questions.  "Do I make you horny?" "Are you Bi?" When I didn't respond she pushed on "Come on! Tell me!" I was so confused. Then we started writing notes back and forth. I told her that she might have made me horny when we had our make out session. I told her I wasn't sure if I was Bi. She slipped her hand between my legs and put her head on my lap. I didn't tell her to get up.

The next day I didn't want to go to school. I got really depressed. Whitney called me from school and was so annoyed that I didn't show up. On Tuesday a Truancy Officer took me to school. I got ISS (In School Suspension). I served it in the Tardy Room. A lot of people end up there if they don't want to go to class. Whitney ended up showing up. Eric (a guy that I met in the Psych Ward when I was there in January) was in there as well. There was also this guy named Richie in there too. It was completely full.  Richie and me flirted and I found out he thought I was cute. He wrote to Whitney and she then wrote to me. Whitney started writing really nasty things to me. She kept writing all the things that I did that were annoying. I felt like I was going crazy. I was getting very close to losing it, but I hadn't yet.  Whitney stayed in there another hour. Emily (The one that had a crush on Whitney) came in the room. At one point Whitney was reading a note from Emily.  Emily tried to grab the notes back from Whitney. They suddenly were in a full out cat fight in the middle of the room. They had to go to the Principles Office.

The next day Whitney and I started talking again. We were on the bus for out Choir Trip to sing some where. I sat with Chelsea (She is Richie's Sister). On the way back I sat with Whitney. She claimed she was in a bad mood because she was hung over. We got into a big yelling match. The last thing she said was "I don't want to ever talk to you again. I'm serious!" I moved into an empty seat in front of her.

That night I had racing thoughts. I was so hard to concentrate on anything. I got really depressed. Whitney had not only become my best friend, but she was my only friend.

The next day I didn't want to go to school again. My mom threatened  to call the Truant Officer. I got mad and pushed my magazine shelf over. The officer came. I had locked myself in the bathroom. I ended up coming out. I tried to hit him, but he grabbed my arm. When he let go I ran. I hid behind some boxes down in the basement. My Mom found me, but she ended up leaving me there. The Officer came down and started yelling at me. He said stuff like "You should stop playing games. I'm sick of coming here to get you to go to school. You are so immature." He ended up leaving. I sat there and cried.

I kept getting thoughts in my head that I was a bad person and I should punish myself. I thought at this point that no one liked me. I went upstairs.  I took half a bottle of Wellbrutrin (Anti-Depressant). These were pills that had been prescribed to me at my trip the Psych Ward.  Not long after I went down stairs and admitted that I had taken a bunch of pills to my mother. She asked if I was serious. I told her I was.  I went up stairs and took a few more pills. I took some Trazedone (Sleeping Pill) thinking that it would help me sleep. Maybe if I woke up from all this I would wake up happy from the Wellbrutrin. In the mean time My mother called poison Control and then they told her to call 911. I came down the stairs as if nothing had happened. I even got out of my pajamas and into street clothes before the Ambulance People came.

A lady got there from the Ambulance. She started asking me all sorts of questions like how many pills did I take. The Truant Officer from before came back to witness this all going down. The lady and this guy took me in the Ambulance. I laid on the stretcher and they made me drink Charcoal.  It was black, thick and tasted really nasty.

In my next entry I will tell you about my second trip to the Psych Ward.

The Make Out Session

April 26th

I want pot so bad right now! I love the way it makes you feel! It's driving me nutz! When I wake up my mind says it wants it!I know it's bad, but I still want it. I really need to get out of the house.  Maybe I should sneak out one of these nights.I called my friend Chelsea today to see if she come to Madison, WI with me Friday, but she wasn't home. I made out with her brother about a month ago. Wow, does time fly or what? The first night I was with Richie I tried Pot with Cody and Dustin. Then I went to his house and he put in a movie.  He kissed me, and that was that. That was the end of the movie for us after about 5 minutes. He was the first guy I made out with.  He put his hand down my pants a couple of times, but I made him stop rubbing me because it was starting to hurt. I jerked him off later when he pulled out his dick.  I remember him saying he liked my stomach and he was touching it. He also said "God, you're beautiful!" He later walked me half way home and gave me a kiss on the cheek on the street corner.  He skate boarded away.  I liked him, but I hardly knew him. I should have waited to get to know him more. He still stays on my mind sometimes. I wonder if I ever enter his mind? I hope I do, but I know it probably would never work between us.
 I miss my friends in Virginia so much. I told Josh I needed a break from talking to him and he gave me two weeks.  Then he wrote me an email.  I wrote back, but I haven't heard from him since. I almost want to call him, but it's only because I just want someone to talk to.

French kiss

April 24th

Last month on the 10th of March I went with Whitney to Appleton. We were with her Dad and his girlfriend. Whitney's little brother was also there. Whitney and I drank some beer when her Dad wasn't looking. She kept telling me to drink more. That night we were watching the movie the Matrix at her Dad's Girlfriend's apt. Whitney was playing with my hair and rubbing my back. For some reason I wanted to kiss her. Remember she was Bi? We went back to her Dad's apt. It was around 5 am. We crawled into her Dad's king size bed. I told her that I wanted to kiss her. She said "Come here.." She french kissed me. I didn't know what to think. But we ended up making out. She kissed my boobs and held on to me.

"You don't know how good you have it until you lose it"

March 10th

Well, it's been another month since I've written. So much has happened. Sometimes I just feel so alone. I have friends, but I don't feel like they really know me. Did you ever hear the saying "You don't know how good you have it until you lose it?" That's what happened to me. I have the best friends I could have ever had, but they live on the other side of the country. I miss them so much. I don't even think they realize how much. Now I have friends that I smoke pot with. I feel really stupid sometimes.  I've made some stupid choices. I need good friends again so that I know that I'm still ok.

It's been such a roller coaster

March 8th

It's been about a month since I wrote. I think I should try to tell you everything. I wish I would have written in here when I started my Sophomore year of high school. It all seemed new and exciting in the beginning. I met Steve and he wrote me an email telling me that he liked me. On Sept. 15th we were "going out". I got a lot of crap for it because people thought he was gay. But they soon stopped when he told on them. I had so much fun with him! At the end of October we broke up. We didn't talk again till December.

In November nothing really happened till the end of the month. Corey and Aaron were they guys I met on the bikes over the summer. They called me and said they lost my number and just found it.
At Thanksgiving I had tons of family there. I had a lot of fun with my cousin Carl and his friend Mohammed. They took me to a bar so they could play pool. I had to convince them to let me in! Those two are so funny! One day all the family was gone and I was by myself. Corey and Aaron came over.  They didn't stay long.

Days passed and it was my 16th Birthday. Nothing too special happened. Steve talked to me again on my Birthday or we could say that he stopped ignoring me.

This guy Chris goes to the Sylvan Learning Center (They are helping me with me Math). I told him I knew Aaron. He ended up buying my number from Aaron for a dollar. He really likes me. Chris was annoying as hell and I finally got him to stop calling me. Aaron stopped calling too. They both got mad because I wouldn't go out with them. Also, my mom listened in on a conversation and thought Chris was masturbating while he was on the phone with me so she told him to stop calling me.
Christmas and New Years pass. I talked to Josh over the phone. I went back to school like I was supposed to. Then I started skipping again.

In January my mom took me to the hospital because she thought I was depressed.  I went to the psych ward for 5 days.  They held me there for evaluation. They put me on Wellbrutrin. and I feel a little better. I hated being so depressed. Some days I still feel sad. I still talk to Eric and Jake from the hospital. Jake has tried to commit suicide since then and was hospitalized 2 weeks ago.

On Valentine's Day this guy David gave me a flower and a cupcake. He had a note attached saying he was looking forward to seeing me that Friday. I went to this Dance Club on Friday and he was there. Jenny and Steve brought me there. I was so mad because they ditched me and were practically dirty dancing. I was so disgusted. I saw Katie. She was my mentor. She was cool, but she ended up ignoring me too to talk to her friend that I didn't know.Meanwhile, David's friends were trying to get me to talk to him. I did a little bit, but I just felt kind of alone there. I didn't feel like I fit in there. I wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be. David ended up driving me home. I heard that Jenny and Steve are "going out" now.

The next day I went over to Jake's house. We watched a movie called "Ten things I hate about you". I was a good movie. I met some of Jake's friends.
The next day I didn't go to school and they kicked me out. It was a Catholic High School and they don't stand for truancy. I go to a Public High School now. I like it better in a way. I'm really good friends with Whitney now.  She is bi-sexual and sometimes I feel weird around her.  She is really cool. She has short blue hair. She told me that she was in the Psych Ward before too. I've only been at the school for a week and a half.

Now I want to tell you about my Dad. He recently got the letter I sent in January. I gave him my email address. He sent me an email on Monday. He said he will be in New Jersey on March 15th. This was a big shock to me. His last letter was asking me if I wanted to come visit him in Germany and why he couldn't come to the states. I haven't seen him since I was 10 years old. He is being deported from Germany for not having a Visa to be there. I'm nervous to see him again.

This year has not started good. I've had so many changes. I feel like I'm always scared since this year started. A lot of my friends seem depressed right now. It's been such a roller coaster. I can say that now that I've been on one! I'm so scared of my next "drop" in my life.

Feeling alone

February 2nd

I never make time to write anymore. I didn't even write to you on my 16th Birthday or when I dated Steve. I haven't told you anything! It probably would have been good to write about it because I've felt so alone. I just get so paranoid that everyone doesn't like me. It pulls me down along with everything else. I don't think rationally sometimes. I have to go to court for truancy. The police had to bring me to school a couple times. Pretty bad, huh?

Julia Roberts Inspires me

August 16th

I was reading an article about Julia Roberts (one of my favorite actresses). Two things that she said really effected me. Quote "If we didn't have crappy days then we wouldn't want to be happy as much as we do. Happiness wouldn't be held so high. We wouldn't long for it unless we were sad sometimes" Quote "If you worry about the future 10 years from now what will you be doing then? When you get there will you forget all the things you did before you got up to that point? You won't know what to do from there. So worry about now and make the best for today." I worry to much about the future. I have too much to worry about now.

I'm on a plane flying back to Wisconsin from New Jersey. I had so much fun in New Jersey with my Dad's side of the family! :) I went to my cousin Jimmy and Lori's wedding. They are in Hawaii now. I was the Jr. Brides maid. I caught the Bride's bouquet, but I didn't let the guy put the garter on me. I had sooo much fun dancing!

The next day I went to Dorney Park. I went with my cousin Lori (The one that didn't get married). We were with her boyfriend Mark and all her friends. I went on my first Roller Coaster! I went on four of them!One had a 205 feet drop. I went on the Dominator too, which has a 200 feet drop! I went to the beach too. It was so fun!

Today is my Mom's Birthday and I haven't seen her. My Grandma might pick me up from the airport and I might spend the night there. My mom might still be packing because we are moving closer to my Grandma tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have to go to my New High School and do Orientation. I'm so nervous! I'm not going back to Virginia to go to school this school year.  It's really sad. I have a lot of changes in my life right now.

I never told you a story about what happened two weeks ago. My Mom and I were in the car arguing. I was on my period and I got really mad. I pushed her and then ran out of the car. We happened to be in the parking lot of some stores. I walked around thinking she would find me. Then 5 guys on their bikes pulled up. Long story short I rode one of their bikes with them to Walmart after much trouble at the payphone. My aunt wasn't home so I called my Grandma to see if she could pick me up. It was starting to get dark so I was getting worried.  I gave Cory my number and kissed him on the cheek before she came. He has been calling me a lot lately.

I'm 15, Who am I?

June 28th

On the 25th of this month something bad happened. I wanted Dan to come out so we could talk.  He wasn't coming out and I didn't know why. This his brother David came out and told me he was talking to his girlfriend Kelsy. I couldn't believe it! A couple weeks ago he wanted to go out with me! He wrote it in an email. What I forgot to tell you is that he deleted the emails because he saw me type in my password to my email account.  I was mad that he did that. I finally got into his house. David helped me hold down Dan. I tried to kiss him, but he got away before I could. He went to call Kelsy to tell her that I wouldn't leave. Kelsy called me a Bitch.  I grabbed the phone after Dan told me that she said that. I told her that she was the bitch and then Dan grabbed the phone back. She also said I had a big nose and she has never seen me! Only her friend saw me before. Kelsy wants to beat me up, but I doubt it will happen. Dan pushed me out the door and shut all the windows so he couldn't hear me. He has never been that mean to me before and I've known him since I was 10 years old.  I don't know what came over me. I guess I just wanted to see how he would react.

I told Josh about it and now he is jealous. He wanted to be there for me. Now he is telling me how much he loves me. He said that if he has a little girl he wants her to be just like me. I don't know what to do anymore. Dan won't even talk to me now, and then I have another guy that claims he loves me. To tell you the truth I don't think Josh is really in love with me. I think his is just infatuated with me. Josh wants his first kiss with me in Chicago. I don't know how to handle things right now.

I found out that China is mad at America. I guess my dream of adopting a baby from that country may never happen. That makes me sad. I'm so scared of Childbirth. My Mom doesn't seem to listen to me anymore. Or maybe I'm just imaging things. Maybe I should just count my blessings and be happy. Sometimes it's just so hard to do that. I wish I knew my Dad better. I wish I was closer to God. I wish I loved myself. I wish I could just be happy. I wish I knew who I was. Sometimes I don't know who I am. Some people may read this and think I am making a big deal about everything. These are things that are swirling in my head right now. I like the adventure of life, but sometimes I wish I could push a button to slow things down.

I like the Chinese Zodiac

June 19th

Today I felt really depressed. I hope I can take Prozac again. Anyway, I talked to my friend Ruth on the phone today.  She is living in Mississippi now. Surprise, we talked about Josh! We both think he would be great with Sarita. I do like Josh, but he is smothering me. I don't like him as much as he likes me. I think I just like the attention he gives me. Ruth and I want to try to set up Sarita and Josh in next year when I go back to school in Virginia. I know horoscopes can be bad, but it says in the Chinese Zodiac that Horses are blind to love. Josh is a Horse. It also said that Horses and Dogs are good together. Sarita is a Dog. It said that the Pig and Horse are unrealistic. I'm a Pig. I'm really glad I got to talk to Ruth. She went out with Josh. Josh said that Ruth wanted a more physical relationship. Ruth said that she didn't. She said that if he would have tried more she would have slapped him.

What do I want?

6-17

I left the high school I was going to in Virginia and now I’m back in Wisconsin for the summer. One day recently I went over to my Ex-boyfriend’s house to check my E-mails. His name is Dan. My Step-Dad banned from using the Internet for a week. I saw there were 2 emails from Dan.  They were both asking me out! I didn't t know what to say and I haven’t talked to him since. Meanwhile Josh keeps calling me. Today I realized I need some space from him. He is constantly emailing me. He is starting to smother me with attention. He says he doesn't rate girls on how pretty they are. He goes on eyes and smile. What does that mean? That I’m not pretty? People say that I’m pretty, but that comment did not make me feel pretty. In fact, he has never really told me that I look that good. He told me once that he thought I was cute. I’m so sick of him. The more I think about I want to run into Dan. Josh wants to meet me in Chicago when he comes up from Virginia. I’m having second thoughts about seeing him. I just want us to be friends. I should have told him before. For a while I was starting to like him. And I even thought I would like to go out with him. Everyone says, “He’s 20, and you are only 15!” At first I liked the attention and now I’m not so sure. People are right. We are so different in age. He seems sweet, but having him as my boyfriend would be a big leap. I have no idea what I got myself into. I definitely would not want people to judge me for dating a 20 year old. It’s just too much. I’m getting less confused by the minute. I can’t wait till I can write Josh an email. Maybe I will just use my Mom as an excuse as to why I can’t date him. Sometimes I wish there was a little button you could push that would tell you the answer to all your questions and help you make the right decision. Sometimes I wish God didn't give us so much freedom with our choices. I think we would have less complicated problems. Well at least things would be different.  All I can say is I could use some help on what to do about Josh.

 I need to figure out what I want and who I want to be. I need to figure out what choices will make me happy. The happier I am the easier it will be to love myself. This will lead to a better life for me in the end.    

Confused about guys at 15

May 20th

You know I haven’t exactly told you what my Mom thinks of Josh.  She said she thinks he’s a nice guy, but told me it’s more important about what I think. I guess I’m not sure what my feelings are. When we are alone I think I should tell him we should just be friends. The only thing is that it’s hard to tell him what I think.  Deep down I do kinda like him. Ruth (a girl Josh went out with) told me that she felt like he smothered her. She likes her freedom so she broke up with him. He always needed to know where she was and he wanted to be with her all the time. He got so attached to her. I like my freedom too. I don’t think I would like him doing that to me. Not sure what to tell him or how to tell him.

Today I found out that another guy likes me. It’s a guy that I've known since I was around 7 years old. His name is Mike.  I thought we were just friends which we still are. One day I was goofing around. I was pretending that I liked him. I even gave him a little kiss (no tongue!). I think he knew I was joking around, but I must have turned him on. It’s nice to have guys like you, but I don’t exactly know what to say to them. I love being friends with guys. Sometimes they can be more fun than girls! I really want a romantic relationship someday, but I’m definitely not ready now. Some days I want a relationship and other days I don’t. Weird or not? 

Another 15 year old rant

5-19

Today I’m not as angry as I was in my last entry. Today was an up and down kind of day. You know what? Writing down my thoughts really helps me. I think I will do this more often. Today I wasn't late for class! You are probably thinking so what? I get 2% off my grade if I’m late. The 20 year old guy I told you about is Josh. My Mom met him today. He was walking by to go to work and she met up with him in her car. I’m going to make the right choices if I can. How do you sort out how you feel about a guy? I think I like Josh. I know he likes me. He seems sweet. I don’t think I will end up dating him, but I don’t want to not be friends with him. I just want one kiss from him and I will be happy. I don’t want to have this whole big relationship with him that will bring up my wedding day. I think that I really do like the attention he gives me. He’s not the cutest guy, but I like his personality. It's not all about looks, but sometimes you gotta look at a guy twice! I really want to marry a really good guy. They say you won’t marry any guy you haven’t dated. I want to date good guys. I think Josh is a good guy, but would I marry him? I wish I knew what to do about him. I wish I knew what I wanted and what would make me happy. I wish I knew a lot of things.

My thoughts on life at age 15

May 18th

I’m so tired and mad at everything and I don’t exactly know why!

I wish I was really smart, had a lot of money, and basically had everything I wanted.  I would want the perfect body and personality!

I’m really not happy with myself for who I am. 

I just feel like I have so much anger inside me and I don’t know how to get it out! You know if I had everything I wanted… Would I really be happy? I don’t really know what will make me happy!

I’m really afraid of the future. Will I marry the right guy?

I wish I didn't not worry so much! I wish I could escape somewhere, but where?

Will escaping solve any of my worries?

No, but I just need a place where I don’t need to think about anything. It’s a very peaceful place with a lot of flowers.

I seem to think about myself a lot these days. I didn't used to be like that. What happened to me? I seem to want to rebel against the world. What has the world done for me? I want to be a good person, but I seem to make a lot of bad choices. I feel like I need help! I’m always late for class and I can’t seem to be on time for events. I can’t get ready on time. Another thing is, This 20 year old guy likes me. I kind of like him back, but I’m only 15! I’m so confused!

I’m getting D’s in high school now.  Why does life have to be full of choices and complications? And if I make the wrong choice it could change my life forever. I really want to be closer to God!