Do you ever really know someone?

December 22nd

I think the reason why I was so happy to have Samantha as a friend was because she actually listened to me. And I listened to her. I was able to really talk to her and be myself. But she is a compulsive lier and she needs to keep her mouth shut. She back-stabbed me.
I really want a guy to really listen to me and who I can tell anything to. Josh was like that, but he is not who I thought he was. Just like I thought Sam was a different person. Just like I thought Whitney was a different person. Do you ever really know someone?
I just want to be able to trust that the people around me aren't going to turn on me and are really my friend. I'm so sick of trusting the wrong people. So what do I do?
I put in Bille Myers "Kiss the Rain" This song always makes me cry because I've had it for a while and it makes me remember the past. I'm depressed and I can't sleep.
I hope that being 17 is better than being 16! It's just gotta be. I don't really know who I am. I've started to cry because I'm hurt from my past. The past is who I am.
You know I haven't heard from Jake in like a week. I wonder what is up? I've tried calling Kristi to ask about him, but she won't pick up the phone. What happened? Is he sick of me already? Is he just busy? Did he meet a new girl?

Am I any different?

December 21st

I just checked my temperature and it's 99.8. I guess I'm still sick. I'm so mad that I'm still sick!
In the morning I told Jan (My home bound school teacher) not to come.  I didn't do any work and I felt sick. She had work for me, but I told her not to bring it.
Why am I telling you boring stuff? Well, nothing big has happened and I want to tell you everything.
I tried to call Kristi, but she wasn't home. I wanted to see if she talked to Jake because I haven't seen him since Sat. Today is his birthday. He's now 21 years old.

Written later...
I just read something more about sex in "Life Strategies for Teens" book. It made me think I should wait a little longer to have sex. Almost all 13-18 year old teenagers who did in Jr. High or Highschool regretted it.
Quote from the book:  "Everyone was doing it, and I thought we were in Love!"
I know lot's of people my age having sex. My mom even admitted that when she was in Highschool all her friends were not virgins. Ashleigh told me she was brought up to have sex when you are ready for the consequences like having a baby. If your're not ready to have a baby than you shouldn't have sex. She said something like that.
I already told you what Sabrina thinks of Jake having sex with 13 girls at 21 years old. My friend Danielle told everyone that she was going to have sex after her Highschool Graduation. People said you will before that, and she did. She lost it her Junior year.
I was brought up that you should wait till marriage to have sex. Well, my mom admitted that she wasn't married when she had sex. I really don't know what to think. I want to have sex now, but I feel like something is pulling me back from doing it.
My mom admitted that her first french kiss was her freshman year of Highschool. I'm still wondering how old she was when she lost her virginity. I'm so curious. I was determined to do the same, but it didn't work out that way. In fact my first french kiss was from a girl at the end of my Sophomore year. A week later I then made out with a guy. Finally the mystery of it was gone. I'm still bothered by the fact that it took me so long to experience it while everyone I know was younger than me when they did it. Everyone says that I'm so pretty. So I can't figure out why it took me so long.
In middle school I was really unpopular with the guys. The boyfriend I did have was 12/13 years old. I asked him if he wanted to french kiss me and he said no. He was still a boy. Then my freshman year I went away to a religious boarding school. My friends lived in dorms separated into guys and girls. I had two boyfriends that year, but each lasted about a week. I kissed guys, but it was just for fun. I was just too afraid to slip them the tongue. My Sophomore year I went to a Catholic school. The guy I picked to be my boyfriend ended up being gay. So he definitely didn't give me any tongue action. In the end I guess it makes sense why I didn't french kiss till I was 16 years old.
I want to lose my innocence, but then I think maybe it's not so bad to be innocent.

Written later...
I'm wondering how long I can hold out until I have sex.  The thing is that I'm scared. And if you dig even deeper you will find out that a part of me still doesn't trust Jake. What I want to know is what Jake was thinking when he called me 2 weeks ago now. He came back to me. Yeah, technically I came to him, but he wanted me at Kristi's house. He was the one that pulled me onto his lap after he asked for a hug. He kissed me. I wasn't chasing after him, he was chasing after me! You could say, "You could have gotten off his lap." I honestly don't know how easy it would have been to get away from him. It was a reclining chair and it was tilted back.  He had a hold on me too.  Do you really think he would have let me go if I tried? Then you could say, "You didn't pull away when he kissed you!" Yeah, I didn't. He surprised me with that!  I didn't know he was going to kiss me!
O.k.!!! I will admit it! I didn't want to pull away away from his kisses!
I kind of think that a relationship with Jake wouldn't go very far. He's always living with Bridgette. Her mom must say something to him. I think he listens to her because she is as close to a mom that he's had.
I should probably be careful that I don't get hurt by him. He seems to lose interest in girls fast. I'll explain. You see I remember seeing him make-out with this girl Dayna one night that Samantha and I snuck out. A few days later Jake and I made-out and he stopped talking to Dayna. This girl Dayna was really mad at me, but we later became friends. At the time Jake told me that "our relationship" was different than theirs. I just met Kristina that had sex with him a long time ago. When I asked Jake about her his response was that she's "Nasty"! From what I saw of Jake and Bridgette, Jake wasn't that nice to her. Jake says that she's "Crazy"! The question is: "Am I different?"
I don't know if I told you this or not, but Jake described 3 types of sex: 1. Fucking - Don't know eachother 2. Just Sex 3. Real Love Sex
As for us it would just be Sex. I know he doesn't Love me.

I hate the Flu! :(

December 20th

I didn't write yesterday because nothing happened because I was sick. My temperature got up to a 102! I stayed in bed pretty much all day. No one has really called me recently and I guess I'm ok with that. I haven't felt like talking to people. I watched my soap opera on TV today. That's about all the excitement I've had.  I think that I've been watching General Hospital since I was 13.
I hate being sick! I'm still sick now! This has definitely not been a very exciting week so far. Christmas is in 5 days! And soon after that will be the end of this stupid year! Do you know what happened last year? I actually slept through the New Year. Then I woke up and started talking to Josh on the phone. He was obsessed with me for a year. He's now married. The last time we talked on the phone he was a jerk.
I really hope that next year is better! And I'm not going to sleep through the New Year this time!

Written Later...
I've been listening to the 10 CD's Josh burned for me. I started with Disc 10 and now I'm on the 4th one. He gave me a welded Rose that he welded himself so he says. It was really cool, but I gave it away because I was mad at him at one point. I also gave the stuffed animal cat away too.
I wanted to tell you that Steve says he's going to marry me some day.  Steve is the Guy that runs the underage Warehouse club.  He once said a while back that he just wanted the Honeymoon. He used to scare me, and now he scares me even more for some reason. Asheleigh says that he scares her, but she doesn't have to worry about him too much since he doesn't flirt with her! I guess it's scary because I don't think that he doesn't seem to be joking. Before I thought he was just joking around, and now I'm not so sure. I don't really know if I want to go to the Warehouse anymore because of him. I don't know what to do. Should I even be making a big deal about this?

Written Later...
I talked to Steve Findely on the phone.  I told him that I got this Porn Star patch for my sweatshirt. I remember him saying that he would pay to see me in porn.
Sabrina called me. She told me that she likes this new guy named Jay. I might know him. I told her about Steve from the Warehouse and she told me that she would be scared too. She thinks that I should stop going there. She also told me that Sam (Samantha) is a Bitch to her. She said she lies all the time. I told her that Jake has had sex with 13 girls. She said you should get tested after you have sex with 8 people. She thinks it's bad that he's already had sex with 13 girls and he is only 20 years old. I really don't know what to think. I just know that I really like Jake.
You know what sucks? I just checked my temp and it's 101.3! When will I get other this flu?

Written Later...
I've learned a lot about relationships this year.  Everything changes. People change. People aren't who you think they are and so on.
If you remember, Bill and I had a fling for a bit before Ashleigh made out with him the week before. Ash was really mad that Bill liked me during that time. Now Ash is back with Bill who she has wanted to be with for months. Things got weird between me and Ashleigh after all of that. I now get the feeling that Bill and Ash want to be alone and not have me tag along to the Warehouse. This is another reason I'm thinking that I should take a break from going the Warehouse.

"When monkey's fly out of my ass..."

December 17th

Yesterday was a very interesting day. It started out by me writing Thank You notes to relatives who gave me something for my Birthday.
I talked to my friend Steve.  I don't know if I ever told you this, but one night I told Steve that I might lose my virginity to Jake. He told me to never tell anyone that he wouldn't mind having me in bed. I feel weird that he said that Jake would pay to sleep with me.
Back to what happened yesterday. I tried to call Sabrina, but she was baby-sitting. Then I decided to call Ashleigh because the day before I was at work and Larry, my Boss, said he was going to have an interview with her. I hadn't talked to her in a while I guess because I thought she was mad at me. She said that she talked to Sam. Sam was talking shit about me. She even called me a slut. Ashleigh got mad at her because of what she said about me.
Kristi called me and then Jake talked to me. I went to Kristi's so I could see Jake. I stayed there till Kristi's mom bitched and wanted everyone out. Only Melissa and Kristina could stay because they were spending the night. Matt was there too. I finally met him.
Jake drove me to Ashleigh's house. He kissed me Good-Bye in the car. Ashleigh got ready to go out. We went to the Warehouse for Retro night. Bill her boyfriend showed up. Ashleigh and I danced a lot.  Kristi stopped by, but she couldn't stay long because she didn't have any money.
Later, Steve saw me.  He is the owner of the Warehouse. He kind of scares me. Do you want to know some of the things he has said to me?
Here are a few: "You are the prettiest girl that has ever come in here." "When do we get to have our secret affair?" "Will you stay here with me?" "Have Bill and Ashleigh leave you here." "Do I get a hug?"
What do you think now? Is he a pervert? Well he is like 35 years old. Damn! There are so many things he has said, but I forget. I asked him what he wanted from me and he wrote out a list.
1. Do things without me telling you to (kiss me, hug me, and let me grab your butt)
2. Stay here
I think I asked him if he was serious about the affair and he said, "Is that bad?"
When Ashleigh and Bill were together he would say, "She has her arms around him..." I said, "Yeah, but that's her boyfriend."
Somehow I did it anyway and kissed him on the cheek. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I should hug him.
Bill and Ashleigh drove me home despite Steve's protests of having me stay.
The next day I got a call from Sam. She denied saying bad stuff about me. I had just woken up so I was too tired to think. She said that Kristi and Jake called her. They asked her why she was lying and saying shit. She told me that she doesn't want to socialize with them anymore. She isn't allowed to go anywhere or she might get in trouble. She hangs out with Maria and her whole group now. They are "good people". Whatever!
I wish that I would have said that I didn't want to talk to Sam anymore. She was just being nice on the phone so I forgot everything she said like me being a "Slut". She is the Slut! She has had sex with over 6 guys. I don't even know how many, but it's probably up to 10 now. I'm really confused because I thought that she was my friend, but I wonder how many times that she has lied to me or talked shit about me.
Later I went to Ashleigh's house and we walked to the Pizza place. It was her first day being a waitress with me there. It was fun working with her. I met her later at the Warehouse.
Colleen and Bill were talking with Ashleigh in the T.V. room. Ashleigh was sitting on Bill's lap. X-Files was on the T.V. We also watched the Bands. Steve found me. I gave him a hug.
When we were getting ready to leave Steve wanted me to stay again. Ashleigh and Bill went down the stairs. Steve hugged me good bye  and whispered in my ear "When do we get to have our secret affair?" He told me that I should visit him sometime. I feel obligated to hug him now. I don't know what to do. It's hard to explain how he has this control over me.
Bill thinks it's funny the way that Steve flirts with me or whatever. He says that I'm Steve's sex toy. Ashleigh doesn't really say anything, but she did say once that I should say, "When monkey's fly out of my ass I will have an affair with you!" Steve scares Ashleigh a little bit too.
I'm scared, alone, and depressed. No one seems to understand. I want to move away from here! I wish I was 18! I need help! Have any ideas?

I went to Kristi's

December 16th

It's 2AM. I just thought I should write something in here. I went to Kristi's today. Kristina showed up. That was the first time that I talked to her. A lot of my friends are friends with her so I've seen her around school. She had sex with Jake. She told me that Sam said hello. I don't know what to think of Sam anymore. She considered me to be her best friend. I wonder if that is still true.
I talked to Matt on the phone when I was at Kristi's. He is one of Jake's friends. I've talked to him on the phone a couple times, but I've never met him. I might see him tomorrow at Kristi's. No wait.. that would be today!
I had to go to work at 4:30PM and didn't get done till 10:40PM at the Pizza place.
There is supposed to be a big snow storm tomorrow! I hope that I can still do something tomorrow. I want to hang out with Sabrina and Steve. I want to see Jake too! I hope he goes to Kristi's.
I can hardly keep my eyes open. Later!

I'm now 17 and I still want to die

December 15th

It's 12:40AM. I have trouble getting to sleep and waking up. Well, no one called me yesterday on my Birthday.  I talked to everyone on the 13th. In fact that might as well have been my birthday. I had more fun that day.
Jake called and said he was Greg. My mom forgot to tell me in time and he left from Kristi's. I talked to Kristi a little later.
My mom made a brownie cake for me and I opened some presents. I don't feel like telling the stuff I got.
I really wish I could have gone some where. I was bored so I wrapped all my Christmas presents. I wish someone would have called me.
Well, being 17 isn't exciting. So much happened when I was 16. I went through a lot. I really hope that things get better. I still want to die. I really don't want to deal with all of this anymore.
I gotta get some sleep now.

My last day at 16 years old

December 13th

I just talked to Sam about a half hour ago. She can't wait till she is 18 and can leave. Her mom wanted to read some letters she had when she lived about an hour away. Sam locked the door to her room. She didn't even go to school on Monday. She had called me from a payphone at school during her lunch break.
Sam told me that Jake and Summer did have sex and that it wasn't just a blow job. Summer wanted to get back at Sam and Kristi for calling the cops.  They told the cops where Summer was because she had run away from Juvenile Detention Center.  That's why Summer decided to tell the cops about her and Jake.
Sam has been really depressed. I've been feeling the same way. She told me that she even cut her wrists.
She told me that she will probably be in School within a School next Semester. That would be cool if we could both be in it. I think I'm first on the list. She said a whole bunch of people are getting kicked out.
I really like Sam and I wish that she didn't have such crazy parents.
I told Sam that Jake doesn't like her for calling the cops on him.  She said, "Well, he was the one that did stuff with Summer."She's right. It's Jake's own fault that he got himself in jail. And you know what? I could care less right about now. Yeah, I love him, but that's besides the point.
I look back in my journal and I say I miss Jake, but my attitude has changed.

Written later...
Damn it! Jake just called me. He really misses me. He said that the reason he was a jerk to me that day back in the summer was that he was mad at everybody. And there was just a blowjob, no sex so he says. Whatever!
I don't even really care anymore. I want to get the fuck out of this state and not come back.
Jake says that Sam is full of shit. Who am I supposed to believe? I'm so confused!
I can't believe this is my last day at 16 years old! I don't really know how to feel. I'm in such a bad mood. Jake even picked up on it. He said, "You sound depressed." Well, I am.

Written later...
Do you want to know the truth? I think I might be in love with Jake. But I'm scared that if I get too close to him I'll get hurt. I was crying so much last night. My mom some how convinced me that Jake is really bad. So I cried even more. I didn't want to tell Jake that I couldn't see him because I love him. Now I don't know what to think. I already got my mom's opinion and Sam's. Sam thought I should just trust my instincts.
I want to write more but I keep dazing off. I don't really know what else I can really say, other than that I'm really confused. I don't know what to do. I say those two things a lot. I don't know what Jake wants from me.

Written later...
My Aunt Adele called me. She wished me a Happy Birthday. And so did my Dad. I guess my dad will be coming after the 17th of February. It's going to be weird to see him again. I haven't seen him for 7 years. He wished me a Happy Birthday because he won't be able to call tomorrow.
Later I talked to Sabrina. She said that I could come over later and that Steve would be there too.
I talked to Kristi and she told me that Jake,, Kristina, and her went up the the Bluff. Jake thought I wouldn't be able to go.
I went to Sabrina's house. She helped me with my U.S. Literature homework. I'm almost done with it. Steve was flirting with me and gave me 17 spankings for my Birthday. It actually hurt! Sabrina came over to my house later.We talked and played music.
After she left I called my friend Meghan.She was trying to get me to think if Jake was a really good guy or not.
I have about an hour before I turn 17. I feel like I'm leaving part of myself behind. I'm just really sad. I don't exactly know all the reasons. I just don't want to be here. Sabrina was talking about how she wants to move to a new state where no one knows her. I've felt the same way. I want to be able to start all over. I think I'm going to do something stupid if I stay here.
Well, the count down is still ticking away. 45 minutes! I'm trying so hard not to cry. Being 16 or 17, it's doesn't matter. I still won't be happy! Doesn't life suck?

Written later...
In 15 min. it will be my Birthday. You would think that I would be happy about it, but I'm not. I don't know what I'm expecting to happen tomorrow. I don't even know what will happen. I don't know who I am. I think I'm scared. I don't want to face another day. I don't know what life really is, but I don't really care. I don't want to find out what happiness is 10 years from now. Some people dream about how some day they will be married and how many kids they'll have. What job they want. Where they want to live. But me.. I hope I'm dead before some guy can ask "Will you marry me?" I hope that I will be dead before 10 years is up. I don't care to find out what happens. I know that I shouldn't commit suicide, but I wish that I could get into a car accident and die. Then people wouldn't think that I'm crazy and they would if I killed myself. I just want to live my life as quick as I can. I really hope that it doesn't last long. I think life is so stupid! Why can't I just die from like an illness or something? What am I supposed to do on this world? I mean I'm going to die anyway, why not sooner than later? Years will pass and I will be forgotten. It will all be pointless.
Well, it's my birthday now. Just another stupid day.