My last day at 16 years old

December 13th

I just talked to Sam about a half hour ago. She can't wait till she is 18 and can leave. Her mom wanted to read some letters she had when she lived about an hour away. Sam locked the door to her room. She didn't even go to school on Monday. She had called me from a payphone at school during her lunch break.
Sam told me that Jake and Summer did have sex and that it wasn't just a blow job. Summer wanted to get back at Sam and Kristi for calling the cops.  They told the cops where Summer was because she had run away from Juvenile Detention Center.  That's why Summer decided to tell the cops about her and Jake.
Sam has been really depressed. I've been feeling the same way. She told me that she even cut her wrists.
She told me that she will probably be in School within a School next Semester. That would be cool if we could both be in it. I think I'm first on the list. She said a whole bunch of people are getting kicked out.
I really like Sam and I wish that she didn't have such crazy parents.
I told Sam that Jake doesn't like her for calling the cops on him.  She said, "Well, he was the one that did stuff with Summer."She's right. It's Jake's own fault that he got himself in jail. And you know what? I could care less right about now. Yeah, I love him, but that's besides the point.
I look back in my journal and I say I miss Jake, but my attitude has changed.

Written later...
Damn it! Jake just called me. He really misses me. He said that the reason he was a jerk to me that day back in the summer was that he was mad at everybody. And there was just a blowjob, no sex so he says. Whatever!
I don't even really care anymore. I want to get the fuck out of this state and not come back.
Jake says that Sam is full of shit. Who am I supposed to believe? I'm so confused!
I can't believe this is my last day at 16 years old! I don't really know how to feel. I'm in such a bad mood. Jake even picked up on it. He said, "You sound depressed." Well, I am.

Written later...
Do you want to know the truth? I think I might be in love with Jake. But I'm scared that if I get too close to him I'll get hurt. I was crying so much last night. My mom some how convinced me that Jake is really bad. So I cried even more. I didn't want to tell Jake that I couldn't see him because I love him. Now I don't know what to think. I already got my mom's opinion and Sam's. Sam thought I should just trust my instincts.
I want to write more but I keep dazing off. I don't really know what else I can really say, other than that I'm really confused. I don't know what to do. I say those two things a lot. I don't know what Jake wants from me.

Written later...
My Aunt Adele called me. She wished me a Happy Birthday. And so did my Dad. I guess my dad will be coming after the 17th of February. It's going to be weird to see him again. I haven't seen him for 7 years. He wished me a Happy Birthday because he won't be able to call tomorrow.
Later I talked to Sabrina. She said that I could come over later and that Steve would be there too.
I talked to Kristi and she told me that Jake,, Kristina, and her went up the the Bluff. Jake thought I wouldn't be able to go.
I went to Sabrina's house. She helped me with my U.S. Literature homework. I'm almost done with it. Steve was flirting with me and gave me 17 spankings for my Birthday. It actually hurt! Sabrina came over to my house later.We talked and played music.
After she left I called my friend Meghan.She was trying to get me to think if Jake was a really good guy or not.
I have about an hour before I turn 17. I feel like I'm leaving part of myself behind. I'm just really sad. I don't exactly know all the reasons. I just don't want to be here. Sabrina was talking about how she wants to move to a new state where no one knows her. I've felt the same way. I want to be able to start all over. I think I'm going to do something stupid if I stay here.
Well, the count down is still ticking away. 45 minutes! I'm trying so hard not to cry. Being 16 or 17, it's doesn't matter. I still won't be happy! Doesn't life suck?

Written later...
In 15 min. it will be my Birthday. You would think that I would be happy about it, but I'm not. I don't know what I'm expecting to happen tomorrow. I don't even know what will happen. I don't know who I am. I think I'm scared. I don't want to face another day. I don't know what life really is, but I don't really care. I don't want to find out what happiness is 10 years from now. Some people dream about how some day they will be married and how many kids they'll have. What job they want. Where they want to live. But me.. I hope I'm dead before some guy can ask "Will you marry me?" I hope that I will be dead before 10 years is up. I don't care to find out what happens. I know that I shouldn't commit suicide, but I wish that I could get into a car accident and die. Then people wouldn't think that I'm crazy and they would if I killed myself. I just want to live my life as quick as I can. I really hope that it doesn't last long. I think life is so stupid! Why can't I just die from like an illness or something? What am I supposed to do on this world? I mean I'm going to die anyway, why not sooner than later? Years will pass and I will be forgotten. It will all be pointless.
Well, it's my birthday now. Just another stupid day.