I'm not pregnant, I'm a virgin!

January 3rd
This is the start of Journal #3

I thought that Cory just liked me as a friend, ya know? But you see I can't have guys as friends because they usually end up liking me. I really wish I could have a guy be my good friend. And they usually are still my friend, but I know they like me so it feels different. I don't know what's going to happen when I'm with Cory. I really don't like him more than a friend, but we will see how I feel.
 I really wish I hadn't lost Jon's #! It makes me mad because I never lose people's numbers. It was my coat pocket and somehow it fell out. I really used to like him. I hope I see him working at the store gas station again!  I don't want to have to ask for his number again!
I was on the phone a lot last tonight! I talked to my friend Sabrina.  I also talked to my friend Andrea and she said that this girl Tamara was wondering where I was. I called her too. Tamara thought that I had gotten pregnant or something. I told her that I was still a virgin. She told me that she lost hers at 15. She is 17 like me now. I told her that that I'm on Homebound Schooling where a teacher brings school work to your house. It's because I was too depressed to go to school and a Truant Officer kept coming to get me to go to school.
Back to Cory, we talked about how he used to get into a lot of trouble before. There was this one night when Sam's ex boyfriend Ryan went with Cory and some other people to drink. I was invited, but I didn't go. Cory said he asked Sam if she liked Ryan and she said no. Cory thought that Sam liked him because it seemed like she was flirting with him. He thinks he could have made-out with her that night. Sam never told me that she liked Cory. I think that Sam and Cory are just big flirts. Cory says he flirts with a lot of girls. Cory thinks that Sam is a little slutty. I'm sure she has had sex with more than 8 guys. Sam told me that Cory acts different when he is drunk and tries to get with every girl. I don't talk to Sam anymore. If she calls I'm going to tell her not to call again. Sam and I have a long history. Ashleigh told me that she was saying bad stuff about me. I know that Sam lies a lot.
Well, today has been pretty boring.  A teacher named Mr. Fuss called and said there might be an opening for School within a School. When I go back to school I will be in it. I wonder what people think happened to me. I've been out of school since November and it's now January. I'm going to miss people that I used to have regular classes with who I was friends with.
It's my time of the month. I was watching a soap opera on TV and it made me start crying. I just feel alone. Sometimes I wonder if I push people away.  I don't seem to do it as much anymore. Sometimes I think that people don't like me. I really want to have love for myself so that I can feel loved by other people. I'm just so depressed.

This year is fucking over!

December 31st

Last night I worked with Ashleigh at the pizza place.  She told me that this past summer Joe used to hit her. He even hit her once for not giving him a blow job. Bill told me that the reason he went with me for a little while was because he was jealous that Ashleigh was with Joe for a little bit. I guess she wasn't with Joe when they were kissing, but he was still in the picture. Ashleigh went with Joe when I was with Bill. She got away from Joe and then went to Bill. I know they broke up for like a week about a month ago, but they are totally together now.  I guess Bill really liked Ashleigh the whole time after all. I still would like to know if Bill liked me at all. They are really good together. Bills' friend Dan liked me, but now he is engaged to this girl Andrea. I never talk to Bill anymore. Ashleigh let me listen to his new CD out by "The Angry Penguins" after work. That was the first time I heard him sing.
When do I get to be with a good guy? I'm not patient. And I'm not just going to be with any guy who likes me. I lost Jon's number that I got when he was working at the Gas station store. Maybe I was supposed to lose it. Sometimes I think that I should be single so I can be a big flirt and not worry about guys hitting on me. I can do what I want. I'm kind of picky, but I don't think I'm that bad. I want a guy, but being single can be fun too.

Written Later:
I just want to say that I can't believe that this year is almost over. I really want to celebrate that this fucking year is over!!! I have never had such a crazy year. It's been really depressing to think about. So much shit has happened.  If someone told me the future of this past year I would have thought they were crazy: Psych Wards, Overdosing on pills, kissing a girl, kissing boys, shoplifting, smoking pot, getting caught sneaking out in the middle of the night, kicked out of school, hanging out with trouble makerr and people from jail, and so much more.
The reason why Jake was so awesome was because he made me want to live.  It felt so good to be kissed by him. I want a guy to make me feel alive again.

I just know that losing your virginity can only happen once

December 30th

I really hate when I think of the past and wish I could have said or done something differently.  It makes me so mad because I can't forget it. The thing that happened is over and I can't change it now. Why do I keep dwelling on stuff that I did in the past? I do it all the time and it drives me crazy!
I can't stop thinking about Jake. I miss him. I really wish that he wouldn't have come back into my life if he was just going to pop out of it again. I was almost over him and then he had to call me. Now I haven't heard from him and I don't know what I'm supposed to feel or think. I don't even know why I like him so much. I need another really cool guy to make me forget Jake.
I remember "Pretty Boy" almost made me forget about Jake. He was the Best Kisser and the cutest guy I've kissed. When he asked if we wanted to see each other of course I said Yes!  The next day I realized I really liked Jake more. I know there will be plenty more guys I like, but somehow it's still going to be hard to forget about Jake. I've kissed other guys after Jake, but he never leaves my mind. I didn't think I would see him again. He said he thought about me. He thought I would have wrote him a letter in jail.

Written Later:
I'm listening to Eve 6 right now. I looked at the calendar and I figured out that Jake and I haven't seen Jake in 2 weeks. Is he out of my life again? What is he doing? Is he just out drinking all the time? Does he even think about me? Will he ever want to see me again?  And if he does, how long will it be this time before I see him? He goes back to jail in the middle of January for 3 months. Will I even want to see him when he gets out of jail? Do I really want to see him now? Yes, but I'm confused. I really think  I should forget him, but you know I can't. If he called right now and wanted to see me, I doubt I would say no. How far would it go? I think I've gotten over wanting to have sex with him. Ok... not totally, but I wouldn't do it. You can think I'm immature or whatever. I'm just scared to go all the way with a guy. I know so many people that started having sex as young as 14. I really shouldn't worry about all the people I know that have had sex before me,  Losing your virginity only happens once. I guess I just wonder why I haven't done it yet. Sometimes I feel ready and then other times I don't . Is there something wrong with me? Will I always be scared? I don't know how to feel about this.

I want to feel beautiful

December 29th
My mom says that I'm a beautiful girl. And people think that I'm pretty. And I guess I am. I have a pretty face and I'm skinny. This all of this doesn't really matter unless I feel beautiful on the inside. I want to have more confidence and good self-esteem. I want to like myself as a person. That's what really counts. Guys look at me and want me. But what I really want them to like is "me". I want to be able to speak my mind and feel that I can be myself. I feel like I'm losing myself. I don't know who I am. So how can I like myself?

Will I look my whole life for the right guy?

December 28th

On the 26th of December I got a few Rings from the jewelry store.  Later, I met up with Sabrina and she came over to my house for a bit.
Yesterday, I did some Community Service hours at the Salvation Army.  I had to hand out sandwiches, clean, and put away dishes. It really wasn't that hard.
Later, I went with Ashleigh to a Record Store. I got 4 CD's. Nine Inch Nails, Orgy, No Doubt, and Eve 6. The only one I heard the whole CD before was No Doubt. On Christmas I got a few CD's also (Matchbox 20, BareNaked Ladies, Etc.) Ashleigh and I went to a thrift store to look for some clothes.
I then went to work at the Pizza place. I came home and watched a movie.  I woke up early this morning. I'm just going to listen to music till I have to go do more Community Service hours.

Written Later:
I did some Community Service at a Nursing Home. We mostly just wheeled the people into a presentation and back.  Jesse, Kayla, and Chu "Little Man" were there too.
I feel like I've been through a lot in my life. I don't care if not as bad as some people I know. Like Chu who has been in Gang Wars and gotten shot. I feel like the people in this town are bad influences. I don't want to be by it anymore. I'm only going to get into trouble here if I stay here. Pick the wrong people to talk to. Pick the wrong guy to be with. I guess that can happen anywhere. I just think things would be better if I got out of this small little town.
I'm losing it. I still haven't heard from Jake. It's been over a week since we talked. I don't feel good unless I see him. I wish that I could just forget him, but I love him somehow. I feel whole when I'm with him. He makes me want to live. I need him now for that reason. I don't know what to do about it. I think I should find another guy that is more "available", but I still want Jake. Why? I can't really fully explain it. I just really like him. I've never felt this strongly about any guy before. He's like a drug for me.

Written Later:
I called Kristi. She's been drinking a lot. Like 4 of them get together and call it a "Little Party". Jake is "partying" too. Since he's 21 he's been going to the bars. I said that I thought he couldn't drink because of being on probation. She said that he wasn't getting caught. I think he used to be an alcoholic.
Many people at my age drink. I would probably die if I drank too much. I'm on pills for depression. Alcohol shouldn't mix too much with the pills.
Sam drank too much on Prozac once at a party. She only had two wine coolers and passed out she told me.
I don't want that to happen to me. I turn down a lot of alcohol. I would rather smoke pot anyway. I don't get offered it as much as alcohol. I haven't smoked in 2 months. I should try to go as long as I can without it. I think that pot is so much better than alcohol. They really should legalize it. I feel so good when I'm high on pot. I never thought I would like it. At first I just wanted to fit in with a group of people, but now I want it. I wish I didn't want pot, but it's too late since I know how good it makes me feel.I have mixed feelings about pot because I've read that kids who smoke in high school have trouble with their grades. And it's said to kill brain cells which can make you more stupid. I will try to stay off it while I can. It sucks that people like alcohol more. I just think that alcohol is so much worse than pot. There are so many bars here. People my age go up to the bluff and throw parties. Not to mention all the house parties that go on.
I'm probably never going to get to see Jake because he's probably having too much fun drinking at the bars. I'm not patient. I want a good guy now. I may never find one.
I hate what alcohol does to people. Guys beat up their wives, people get into car accidents, people vomit and have hangovers, and people do STUPID things. Please God don't let me marry an alcoholic! Sometimes I think that I should never get married because I might make a big mistake and it might be hard to get away from him. I could really love the guy, but he could be really bad and I should leave him. I never want to be in a situation like that. I'm really scared of that happening. I wish I could have a boyfriend now.
What if I'm 40 years old and still looking for that right guy? Or what if I look my whole life? There are plenty of people that aren't married and are older. Will that be me? Will no one want me? Or will guys like me and I pick all the wrong ones? Maybe I should just stay single and not worry about the future with guys. What do you think?

Do you ever really know someone?

December 22nd

I think the reason why I was so happy to have Samantha as a friend was because she actually listened to me. And I listened to her. I was able to really talk to her and be myself. But she is a compulsive lier and she needs to keep her mouth shut. She back-stabbed me.
I really want a guy to really listen to me and who I can tell anything to. Josh was like that, but he is not who I thought he was. Just like I thought Sam was a different person. Just like I thought Whitney was a different person. Do you ever really know someone?
I just want to be able to trust that the people around me aren't going to turn on me and are really my friend. I'm so sick of trusting the wrong people. So what do I do?
I put in Bille Myers "Kiss the Rain" This song always makes me cry because I've had it for a while and it makes me remember the past. I'm depressed and I can't sleep.
I hope that being 17 is better than being 16! It's just gotta be. I don't really know who I am. I've started to cry because I'm hurt from my past. The past is who I am.
You know I haven't heard from Jake in like a week. I wonder what is up? I've tried calling Kristi to ask about him, but she won't pick up the phone. What happened? Is he sick of me already? Is he just busy? Did he meet a new girl?

Am I any different?

December 21st

I just checked my temperature and it's 99.8. I guess I'm still sick. I'm so mad that I'm still sick!
In the morning I told Jan (My home bound school teacher) not to come.  I didn't do any work and I felt sick. She had work for me, but I told her not to bring it.
Why am I telling you boring stuff? Well, nothing big has happened and I want to tell you everything.
I tried to call Kristi, but she wasn't home. I wanted to see if she talked to Jake because I haven't seen him since Sat. Today is his birthday. He's now 21 years old.

Written later...
I just read something more about sex in "Life Strategies for Teens" book. It made me think I should wait a little longer to have sex. Almost all 13-18 year old teenagers who did in Jr. High or Highschool regretted it.
Quote from the book:  "Everyone was doing it, and I thought we were in Love!"
I know lot's of people my age having sex. My mom even admitted that when she was in Highschool all her friends were not virgins. Ashleigh told me she was brought up to have sex when you are ready for the consequences like having a baby. If your're not ready to have a baby than you shouldn't have sex. She said something like that.
I already told you what Sabrina thinks of Jake having sex with 13 girls at 21 years old. My friend Danielle told everyone that she was going to have sex after her Highschool Graduation. People said you will before that, and she did. She lost it her Junior year.
I was brought up that you should wait till marriage to have sex. Well, my mom admitted that she wasn't married when she had sex. I really don't know what to think. I want to have sex now, but I feel like something is pulling me back from doing it.
My mom admitted that her first french kiss was her freshman year of Highschool. I'm still wondering how old she was when she lost her virginity. I'm so curious. I was determined to do the same, but it didn't work out that way. In fact my first french kiss was from a girl at the end of my Sophomore year. A week later I then made out with a guy. Finally the mystery of it was gone. I'm still bothered by the fact that it took me so long to experience it while everyone I know was younger than me when they did it. Everyone says that I'm so pretty. So I can't figure out why it took me so long.
In middle school I was really unpopular with the guys. The boyfriend I did have was 12/13 years old. I asked him if he wanted to french kiss me and he said no. He was still a boy. Then my freshman year I went away to a religious boarding school. My friends lived in dorms separated into guys and girls. I had two boyfriends that year, but each lasted about a week. I kissed guys, but it was just for fun. I was just too afraid to slip them the tongue. My Sophomore year I went to a Catholic school. The guy I picked to be my boyfriend ended up being gay. So he definitely didn't give me any tongue action. In the end I guess it makes sense why I didn't french kiss till I was 16 years old.
I want to lose my innocence, but then I think maybe it's not so bad to be innocent.

Written later...
I'm wondering how long I can hold out until I have sex.  The thing is that I'm scared. And if you dig even deeper you will find out that a part of me still doesn't trust Jake. What I want to know is what Jake was thinking when he called me 2 weeks ago now. He came back to me. Yeah, technically I came to him, but he wanted me at Kristi's house. He was the one that pulled me onto his lap after he asked for a hug. He kissed me. I wasn't chasing after him, he was chasing after me! You could say, "You could have gotten off his lap." I honestly don't know how easy it would have been to get away from him. It was a reclining chair and it was tilted back.  He had a hold on me too.  Do you really think he would have let me go if I tried? Then you could say, "You didn't pull away when he kissed you!" Yeah, I didn't. He surprised me with that!  I didn't know he was going to kiss me!
O.k.!!! I will admit it! I didn't want to pull away away from his kisses!
I kind of think that a relationship with Jake wouldn't go very far. He's always living with Bridgette. Her mom must say something to him. I think he listens to her because she is as close to a mom that he's had.
I should probably be careful that I don't get hurt by him. He seems to lose interest in girls fast. I'll explain. You see I remember seeing him make-out with this girl Dayna one night that Samantha and I snuck out. A few days later Jake and I made-out and he stopped talking to Dayna. This girl Dayna was really mad at me, but we later became friends. At the time Jake told me that "our relationship" was different than theirs. I just met Kristina that had sex with him a long time ago. When I asked Jake about her his response was that she's "Nasty"! From what I saw of Jake and Bridgette, Jake wasn't that nice to her. Jake says that she's "Crazy"! The question is: "Am I different?"
I don't know if I told you this or not, but Jake described 3 types of sex: 1. Fucking - Don't know eachother 2. Just Sex 3. Real Love Sex
As for us it would just be Sex. I know he doesn't Love me.