Sick of crying

November 15th

I'm so sad. I seem to cry a lot lately. I'm overwhelmed and I have anxiety. I can't stand this.  I want some pot.  It takes the edge off. I would do anything just to be happy.

I finally got to see George at school.  It was so good to have him put his arms around me again.

I'm listening to the band Garbage right now. The tears are rolling down my face. All I want to know is when I'm going to stop hurting. It's killing me inside. I'm so tired of crying. I laugh, but it's an illusion that I'm happy. When I'm with people I act happy. I never let people see me cry.  When I'm at home I cry to get the pain out. I just want to scream sometimes. There is a part of me that wants to give up, but I tell that side of me to shut up. If that makes any sense. Being depressed is the worst feeling in the world.  I feel so fucked up in my head. Some day I want to be happy.

Learning to love myself

November 13th

Did you know that I've kissed 14 guys now? Not all were french kissing though. Two of them were dares. I've also kissed two girls. I was dared to kiss my friend Meghan when I was 15.  We were on a school bus and we got a dollar for it.  The other girl was crazy Whitney.

I will list the guys so I never forget: Dan, Andy, Bob, Sam, Mike, Steve, Richie, Eric, Jake, Jon, another Jon, another Andy, Bill, and George. There you have it. What it basically shows is that guys do like me even though 2 of those were dares.

People say that I'm pretty, so I guess it's true.  What I have a problem with is my self esteem.  I have a hard time loving myself as a person. I hope that some day I will be able to fight that something in my head that always makes me feel bad about myself.

Do you ever want to run away? I do.  Everything is so depressing right now. I get sad a lot these days.  I don't know what to do about it. Feeling alone isn't a great way to feel. Nothing really that bad has happened, but I have plenty of reasons to be depressed. Maybe it's pathetic that I feel this way.  And maybe I'm never really happy. Maybe I just laugh to mask the pain. Ok now that's really depressing. I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't feel like I have control over anything. I have so much pent up anger. I'm trying to hold on here, but this just isn't a fun ride anymore. I feel like it's the same damn ride every time.  I can't stand it. The ride never seems to end. Maybe you think I should stop complaining and be happy with what I do have. I think I have a right to feel this way.

So I talked to Kristi on the phone the other day.  She told me that Jake is out of jail!  He is living with Bridgette and her mom. Ryan is back in town.  He came to Kristi's house looking for Jake last night.  I hope that I never see him again. He is such an asshole. He threatened to kill Sam.  Kristi told me that Jake went to Kristi's house 3 weeks ago. I wish I could have seen him. I guess I'm not really over him.

A couple weekends ago I went with this guy Kerry and this guy Sam to Jen's house. We watched to movie The Skulls. Kerry kept rubbing my leg. I had to tell him to stop because I'm still going out with George. I wish I didn't have to tell Kerry that.

I haven't seen George in a while. I think he moved to the other part of town.  I want to see him.  I wonder if he still wants to be with me. He never calls anymore. I really need to talk to him. I have this feeling that we should break up.

Written later:
Here I am again with the tears streaming down my cheeks. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't help it.  Everything has changed.  Nothing ever stays the same in life.

It's raining and I'm crying

November 1st

Tonight it's raining. I didn't go anywhere.  I took two caffeine pills today.  I have so much energy.  I want to take more tomorrow.

I kind of want a party for my 17th Birthday.  It probably won't happen.  I just hope that being 17 is better than being 16!  I've learned so much.  I wish I could tell other teenagers what I know now.

 There are tears rolling down my face right now. I'm hurting really bad. I don't know if I will ever go away.  Maybe someday it will, but I guess I will have to deal with it for now. I wish there was a way to release all this sadness. When I'm with people I can forget how sad I am.  When I'm alone it's another story.  I have time to remember the pain I'm in when I sit by myself.

I want to tell you about guys.  It's been bothering me. I'm going to talk about them all.

First, it was Josh.  He told me that he was in love with me, but all we did was talk across the country on the phone.  At the time he was 20 and I was 15.  I met him when I went away to a Christian Boarding school in Virginia. He lived in the small town where the school was.  I used to tell him everything.  He later married a woman he met on the internet. The last time I talked to him he was such a jerk.

Second, it was Steve. We were both 15 at the time.  We went out for a little over a month.  We only kissed on the mouth and no tongue.  We don't talk anymore, but I was told that he has a boyfriend now.

Third, it was Richie.   He was my first french kiss. We don't talk anymore either.

Then Eric who is now in Utah.  Then Jake who is now in Jail. He won't get out for 2 more years. Then Jon who is getting married to Kim. Then another Jon who's phone got disconnected.  Then Bill who is going out with Ashleigh officially. Now I'm with George.

Oh wait.  There was also Dan.  I was 13 and he was 12 when were going out.  He was my neighbor when I was a kid.  He was my first true love. I miss him.

Tears

October 29th

I'm feeling really terrible. I'm so angry and upset about my life. I'm so depressed. I can't take it anymore. I want to die. I hate my life and I don't care about anything anymore. You don't know how much I'm hurting. I want to smash something so bad. I'm so tired of everything. I don't know what to do.

Tears stream down my face. I gasp for air thinking of the past. Thinking of all the people I miss. I feel weak and empty inside. I feel so alone. I feel like I'm in a black hole. Darkness surrounds me and nothing seems bright.  I'm too tired to smile. There is no more hope. I have no more happiness. I just don't care anymore. I wish I could make it all stop.

My one month with George

October 24th

I saw Sam last Wednesday.  She met me at Walgreens. We only got to hang out for 45 minutes.  Then Casey and his mom picked her up. It was so sad to see her go!

 

Danielle and I went to Oktoberfest.  We had so much fun!  We hung out with her ex boyfriend, Brian, and his two friends.  At Brian's house we smoked 3 blunts.  I got so high. We watched the movie Belly.  

This past September 25th, George asked me out by the bus. Later that day, I  called him to come by Ashleigh's house so we could do something. Ashleigh wasn't home so we walked around.  He showed me where he lived. We walked to the park by my house. He gave me a hug.  He asked, "Do I get a kiss?" I said, "Yes.." He then kissed me a few times. By tomorrow we will have been going out for a month!

George might be moving to the other side of town. I hope that he can still go to my high school! 

I hate this year! I think it's been one of the worst years of my life. I feel pretty alone right now.  

I'm going out with a new guy

September 28th

I just talked to Sam. She told me that she is still living with Casey, but they aren't going out anymore. On Monday I'm going to see Sam and her new boyfriend Steve. Sam and I aren't supposed to see each other, but that isn't going to stop us. Sam had a miscarriage. She has a restraining order against Ryan now. She told me that she is on Prozac.  She was recently in the hospital because she got drunk one day and it mixed badly with the Prozac.

Last night I hung out with my neighbor Danielle and her friend Robert.  We just chilled at her house. Tomorrow night we are going to Okoberfest together.

I'm going out with this guy George that I met at school.  I will tell you more about him later.

The beauty of a rose

September 22nd

I long for something that is not there. I want to be close to all the people I love and care about. I fuck'n want all the craziness to stop. Why can't life be more simple? Why does there have to be change? I hate that the most! It's left my heart broken too many times.

There is so much beauty, but beware of the ugly side of things. Just like the beauty of a rose and and its ugly thorns. Sometimes I just want to squeeze something until there is nothing left. Tears don't always fall from my eyes, but trust me I'm crying enough on the inside. I need something to hold on to. I need it to guide me through all the tough times in my life. I'm so overwhelmed! I feel like I'm going crazy!