Sex is like Pringles

December 12th

Yesterday I was reading all the articles I saved about sex.  It made me scared that I could get an STD. Last night my mom asked me if I was planning on staying a virgin. I said something like "I don't know... I think so." Bad answer! I should have just said 'Yes' to get her to back off. This morning she said "I can't stop you from having sex, but use protection. And it's going to hurt!"
When I told Sam I might have sex with George she said, "It's going to hurt, but then it's like Pringles! Once you pop, you can't stop! Losing virginity is a big deal for a girl."
I talked to my friend Jake E. this morning. He told me that one time he was emptying the trash after this girl Jennifer came over.  His parents saw the condom in the trash. They told him to always use protection.
Are you sick of hearing about sex,

yet? Well, I have more to say. I already told you that Sam had a miscarriage and Jake S. has two kids. This girl (Nikki) I knew from Day Treatment is pregnant. This girl, Kennon, had two abortions. Even Steve told me he knew of a girl who got pregnant because a condom broke.
I actually know a lot of people that have had sex. So what's the big deal?
All of Jake E.'s friends go over to his house and have sex sometimes. Almost everyone I know has lost their virginity. I was the only virgin at Day Treatment.
When i talked to this guy, Matt (He's friends with Kristi and Jake S.), he said, "Oh, you're the one that is still a virgin!"
One time I was at Jake S.'s apt. and sitting on his lap.  I was kissing him. This guy Jon was there and said "So if I'm staying here do I get some too?"Jake said "She's a virgin!"
I actually do know some virgins, but the last 6 guys I've kissed only one was a virgin! So what am I waiting for, right?
Well, the last time I talked to my friend Karen (She's a virgin), she told me that sometimes she really wants to have sex.
My Mom also told me to have sex with someone who cares about me.
I was reading this Life Strategies book for Teens. Something popped out at me. He wrote that it's not true affection isn't sneaking your boyfriend or girlfriend in your house when your parents aren't home. It's funny that I read that after I did it.
I looked up the word 'affectionate' and it says tender and loving.
Who knows if Jake S. even cares about me. I just feel so alive when I'm with him. He's the only guy that I wanted to do it with. The only thing is that he doesn't like to wear a condom.
I'm scared to have sex, but I'm so curious about it.
It's just like when I wanted to have my first french kiss. I couldn't stop wondering about it. The same applies now. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do.
I just want to live in the now. I don't like thinking about the future because I'm afraid of it.
What's so bad about sex? I never know what I'm supposed to do or think.
Jake S. Says he wants more than sex from me. Should I believe it?

"Are you a virgin?"

December 11th

The night I got to see Jake (This past Thursday), Kristi and I walked around town. Three 19 year old guys wanted us to party with them.  We ended up not going to their house. Instead we saw all the Christmas lights at Riverside Park. Later we went to the Gas Station. Jon was working there.
In my last journal I wrote about him, but I will write more. To make a long story short I met him this past summer at Riverside. I later went to his apt. He was with 3 guys. I was with Kim and Shane. I don't talk to Kim and Shane anymore.  I made out with Jon that night.
A few days later I had a family trip to Virginia. When I called the number when I got back, Jon's number was disconnected. When I saw Jon behind the counter at the Gas Station he gave me his new number. I really liked Jon. Now I'm so confused.
Jake called me and told me he wanted to come over at 11pm. In the mean time, Steve called me. I told him that I wanted to eventually lose my virginity to Jake. Steve didn't say it right away, but he told me that he would like to have me in bed.
Well, back to Jake. He came alright! My mom came down stairs right when Jake walked in the door. I didn't hear her come down. She said "Who are you? Janelle can't go any where!"
Jake didn't stay long, but he kissed me good bye.
My mom had this long talk with me. She asked me so many questions! I was so annoyed. She even asked me if I was a virgin. Of course I told her yes.
I really like Jake, but I don't know if he's the best guy to be with. I don't know anything anymore.
That first day I saw him he gave me a hug and pulled me onto his lap. What was I supposed to do? And then he kissed me and I didn't want to pull away. I just don't want to be alone. Jake makes me want to be alive! He's the only guy I don't get bored with. There is something inside of me telling me that I shouldn't trust him. I don't want to admit it, but I get this pain in my stomach when I know I shouldn't trust something or someone. I want to ignore it because I like him.  I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone.

"I'm falling for you bad!"

December 10th

You are my new journal!  I'm going to miss my last journal. I wrote so much stuff in it! (Taken from Journal #2)

Last night I stayed up until 2AM! I checked my email last night.  Jake wrote to me. He wrote things like "You're so damn sexy!" "I'm falling for you bad!"  and  "I liked that shirt you wore today!" The shirt was metallic blue and had a loop in the front. Jake also asked for my number because he has been calling from Kristi's who knows my number. Jake is 20 years old.
I hung out with Samantha who used to go out with Ryan.  They were both living with Jake and Bridgette last summer. At the time Bridgette was pregnant with Jake's baby.  She has had it now. This is Jake's second child. Sam introduced me to Jake and Ryan. Jake used to live by Kristi in the apt. they stayed at during the summer.
I already knew Kristi because we met in the Psych Ward the first time I went in there last January. Then I got to know her better after I O.D.'d on pills last March.  The Court ordered me to go to Day Treatment and Kristi was in Day Treatment as well.
Sam and I sneaked out a lot last summer. She would ride her bike in the middle of the night and we would see Kristi. We would walk around town. We would hang out at Country Kitchen. It was so much fun hanging out with her.
One night I spent the night at Sam's house and we took her car.  We went to get Ryan.  The next night we got Ryan and Jake. That's the night I started falling for Jake and we kissed in the back seat. Ryan and Sam had sex in the car.
Anyway, that night Sam and I got caught and Sam went to jail. Sam got out the next day and started living at Jake's apt.
At the end of July Jake and Bridgette got evicted and had to move out. Jake went to jail for letting this girl Summer give him a blow job. She was 15 while he was 20.
Sam and Ryan moved away and ended up living over an hour away. She lived with Casey because Ryan was an asshole. He went to jail for smashing a windshield of a car with a baseball bat. He was jealous because Sam was hanging out with another guy. Ryan ended up being abusive to Sam. When he was in jail he threatened to kill her. She got a restraining order against him. She also had a miscarriage with his baby.
Sam moved back with her parents. Her parents don't want her to talk to me. I haven't seen her because I'm on Home Bound Schooling. I was really depressed and didn't want to go to school. So now I have to catch up on my work.
Jake got out of jail, but I don't know when. He will have to go back in January for 3 months. He is now living on the North Side of town. He is living with Bridgette and the baby.  He says he wants to leave her, but she threatens to commit suicide if he does. He wants her to be a good mom to his son.
Jake called me 3 days ago from Kristi's house. I came over and we ended up making out. I think I might lose my virginity to him! We will see!
Jake doesn't like Sam because she made Kristi call the cops on Summer for running away from Juvenille Detention Center. When the police came Summer told the police that she gave a blow job to Jake.
Sam is still on probation for taking her family's car without their consent the night we got caught sneaking out. She was also in jail for 6 days for writing "Fuck You Pig" on a cop car. She can be so stupid sometimes!
Everyone I talk to that knows Sam tell me that she lies. She says I'm her best friend, but I don't know anymore.
I was only officially broken up with George (Jorge) the day before I saw Jake!

Soaked twice in one day

December 10th

In July I forgot to tell you about this one time Sam, Kim, Jon/Eugene, and me smoked pot with the guy who lived above Jake's apt. Bridgette and Jake were up there too, but didn't smoke. Jake kept putting his hands in my face so I slapped him.
The next day he got me back by putting me in the cold shower. I had to wear his clothes. I looked ridiculous!
That night we broke into a guys apt. who told me I could party there. The door was unlocked. Jon stole their bong. The guys came back while we were leaving and we had to pretend like we just got there. I got us out of there.
That same night Kim and Jon were showing us where they ran from the cops. Jake had me over a pool outside a motel. Jon pushed him and Jake dropped me in. I got soaked a second time that day. Jon said he was trying to get Jake in!

This is the last of my first Journal.  On to the next!

"Still a good kisser!"

December 10th

My friend Jake E. asked me to see a movie with him. He's the guy that I met in the Psych ward. He tried to get other people to go, but they couldn't go. We saw the movie 6 Days. It was about cloning people and the future. It was so weird! During the movie Jake put his arm around me and was playing with my hair. Finally, I took his arm off me. He said he was sorry and I said it was o.k. It really annoyed me though. I thought we were just friends!
Every guy I become friends with ends up liking me. And lately, guys can't keep their hands off me. I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy about that or not. I'm not sure if I like it. I guess Jake thought I was a date because he paid for the movie. I told him not to. I'm glad I can tell guys no by pulling their hands away. Sometimes it's hard. It's getting easier, but I usually take a while to do something about it.
After the movie we went to the mall where the theater was. Then Jake's dad came to pick us up and they dropped me off at work.
I really want to tell you more about Jake S.! When I got to Kristi's the first day I saw him since the end of July I sat on the couch. He was sitting on a chair talking to one of Kristi's friends. Then Kristi took a phone call. Jake and I talked and he answered a lot of my questions about this past summer.
Then Jake said "Are you going to give me a hug?" I went over and gave him a hug. He pulled me onto his lap. He turned and said "Bad thoughts!" I asked "What are you thinking?" He said "I don't tell, I express." I was like "O.k. do it then!"
Then he kissed me. I fell for him all over again. He said "Still a good kisser!" I don't remember how we got to Kristi's room, but we did. He kissed my ears and my neck. And he kept kissing me! I was so glad to be with him again. I was wearing this blue shirt with a hole in the front (The hole was supposed to be there). Jake liked it. He stuck his finger down and found my boob.
I've realized I can't say "No" to Jake. That could be a bad thing, but I don't know. I remember on Friday Jake and I kissed when Kristi's mom was out of view. We were in Kristi's room. I was laying on him half way.
When I got up to put my hair in a pony tail for work Jake came up behind me. He put his arms around me. He said "You're lucky I don't give you hickey's." I also remember him saying "You are so pretty. How did I get so lucky?" "You have a cute butt." "If this keeps up I'm going to fall in love with you" "You're still the cutest girl I've kissed."
When I looked back on some entries I still talk about Jake. I really missed him. I can't forget him or just get over him. I said I was over him, but I wasn't.
I didn't tell you this, but when I was at High Rollers I told Sabrina about Jake. I told her that Dish (his ex) made me remember him. I told her that I had fallen in love with Jake. I really thought about him that night and I missed him. Jake says he thought about me too.
Remember I told you about Ashleigh's tarot cards saying that Jake and I would end up together? Who knows what will happen!

Reunited with Jake

December 8th

It's 1AM, but I think I should write in here. So much has happened that I can't even believe it!
First, I will start off with that I wrote Sam's parents a letter asking for a second chance to be her friend. I dropped it off in the mailbox at her house on Monday.
Let's get back to Sunday. I went to Jordan's house and watched the movie Armageddon. Steve was there too. Jordan gave me some pink socks with black cats on them that said "I do bad things". Steve and Jordan couldn't keep their hands off me. They kept tickling me! Jordan told me that Steve really liked me.Later, Tim came over. He told me to watch out for Jordan. That he was trying to hook up with me.
On Monday, I saw my social worker. Her name is Sharon. I told her straight out that I didn't like her. I was bound to say it sooner or later. I mean she's a bitch!
After that I went to Jury training for peer court. I saw my ex boyfriend Steve. I met this girl Ashley that gave me a ride home. We couldn't stop talking. She did the same thing that I did (Steal from Shopko). Ashley told me that guys were talking about Steve.  Saying that he was gay and that they saw him holding hands with a guy. He doesn't even talk to me!
Ashley lives like an hour away.  It's too bad because I really like her. She said she felt like she knew me for a long time. We exchanged phone numbers. She smokes pot! She said she might invite me to a party sometime.
On Tuesday, I gave a letter to Sabrina to give to George saying that I wanted to break up. Sabrina said that George agreed with what I said in the letter.
I talked to Karen on the phone.  I ended up crying because I missed her so much!
Steve called me from High Rollers. We talked for a long time. Jordan got on the phone, but never figured out that it was me!
On Thursday, Jake called me! I went over to Kristi's to see him. Jake and I ended up making out. He has to go back to jail for 3 months in January. He is living with Bridgette and the baby. Jake told me that he doesn't like Sam anymore.  It was her idea to call the police on him for having sex with Summer who was 15 while he was 20. Summer told the police that she gave Jake a blow job. I thought they had sex, but according to Jake they didn't.
Sam told me that she called Bridgette and she said that they were moving to Indiana. I thought that I would never see Jake again! Sam lied by the way. Is that really a big surprise? Everyone I talk to says she lies. I'm not sure that I want to be friends with a Compulsive lair!
Well, after Jake left, Kristi and I decided to go to Riverside park and see the Christmas lights. On our way there we met 3 guys that wanted to drink and party. They told us that we could stop by later if we wanted to. We never did though. Kristi ran into some other people she knew that were having a party.
Then I ran into Zach who was friends with Sam. He told me that she was back. I asked him if Sam lies and he said yes.
Kristi and I then went to the Gas Station and guess who I saw? Jon! Yes, that's right! The guy that I met at Riverside park this past summer and later that night made out with him at his apt. He gave me his new number. I haven't decided if I'm going to call him or not.
When I got home I talked to Sabrina and Steve on the phone.
On Friday, Jake picked me up in his ghetto car with Kristi in the back seat. We went back to Kristi's house. Jake and I made out a little bit, but I didn't have a lot of time because I had to go to work at the Pizza place. If Kristi's mom would have been gone I was almost ready to have sex with Jake. He knows that.
Jake dropped me off at work. I had to close so I was there until after 11PM! I'm so tired.
Kristi told me that Jake has a big dick. I'm scared, but I think I want to lose my virginity to him.

My 3 Problems

December 1st

I have a little problem. Actually 3 problems. Fist, I'll tell you that I'm on the list for School within a school. But I really don't want to be in it right now because that means that I won't have lunch with Sabrina and Samantha.  Sam moved back! Here is the problem, her parents hate me and my parents hate her. So even though her probation officer said she can talk to me we will still have to sneak around.
The other thing is that I'm still in Home bound schooling.  This sucks. I really needed to go to school today.  You see I was going to take my bike to my high school today and see Sam and some people, but my mom is here.  I can't sneak out of the house. I'm so disappointed because I thought my plan was good. Now I have to think of another way to see Sam.
My other problem is that I talked to Jordan (Sabrina's boyfriend) and I found out that his friend Steve thought I was cute. That's not the problem. You see Jordan and I talked till 1 AM. We talked for like 3 hours. He had 3 dreams about me before he met me. And in his dreams everyone was naked. He didn't tell Sabrina he had dreams about me. Jordan also thinks I'm cute. He told me that he was staring at me at the High Rollers and ran in to the wall. He thinks that I'm interesting and intelligent. He told me he likes me. He even asked if I would date him if he wasn't going out with Sabrina. He didn't want to get off the phone with me. I like him a little bit too. I feel bad about this.
This isn't the first time this has happened. I remember when Meghan liked Tristan and instead he asked me to the dance. We went together even though I know that Meghan liked him. This also happened with Ashleigh and Bill. He made out with her the week before I met him, but he ended up making out with me too. They are now together. I even lost a friend, Kennon, because her boyfriend and I flirted. I can't usually get the guy, but I can't keep him.
I didn't tell you this, but one day Corey came over with two guys. He told me last night that they both thought that I was cute. I think Dustin like me. When we were at High Rollers he asked me to go around with him on a slow song. We held hands. I caught him staring at me.
I want to break up with George (spelled Jorge). He called me last night and didn't have anything to say to me. He's boring and we can't talk about stuff. We never had intelligent conversations. We just flirted and were attracted to each other. Yes, he can kiss well, but that's about all at the moment. I can't even see him in order for us to kiss right now. The only problem is really breaking up with him.
When I was with Jordan he kept putting his arm around me. I kept trying to get him to stop. I thought that Sabrina might get jealous. Steve really flirted with me too.

Life just keeps passing by and Rollerblading

November 30th

I'm close to tears right now. I feel like life just passes me by. It keeps going and doesn't stop.
Last night I went with Sabrina and her boyfriend to High Rollers. I met a lot of people. Her boyfriend's name is Jordan.  It was his Birthday and he had a huge cake. I met Dish.  She used to go out with Jake (you know how I'm talking about). I meat Sandy and Steve.  Also. Saw Dustin again from school.
I really can't roller skate very well! I felt kind of dumb. Sabrina told George to come when she saw him at school. She said he just looked at her. He didn't come. I wish I could just talk to him to break up. There is no point if we don't talk or see each other.
 I want to be able to flirt right now and not be attached to anyone. It's easier that way I think. You can get hurt easier if you run around kissing guys. It won't mean anything. I just haven't met a guy that I can pout my heart and soul out to or who I'm really attracted to. It's kind of frustrating, because in a way Jake was like that. He never really broke up with Bridgette. Then when my back was turned he had sex with Summer. So even though he could be sweet, exciting, fun, listened to me, made me laugh, I was attracted to him, and so on I could never trust him.
I have to make myself forget about Jake. I have to forget Josh too who made me laugh and I told everything to. I also have to forget about Eric who I had deep conversations with. All of them had their bad qualities and made mistakes.
So I'm really searching for a really great guy. The good news is that I've had a small variety of guys. That means that I know what qualities I like and don't like. And maybe some day I will find a guy that I like.  Wish me luck, ok? I'm going to need it. I'm going to be more picky when it comes to guys. That doesn't mean that I will always flirt with great guys!
I'm scared of the future. I really don't understand why I'm on this dumb world. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I also never want to get married. I think I will have less problems if I don't.
Soon I'm going to be 17 years old. I hope that next year is better. I don't know if I could handle another year like this.

Still can't get a hold of George

November 25th

Oh my God! I can't believe that I wanted to kiss Carl (Even though I know it's true)!
I was so sick that I didn't write about Thanksgiving! There really isn't much to say about it.
Did you know that George and I have been going out for 2 months now? That's weird! I mean I don't really know if I want to say that we are really together. I haven't talked to him for a while. He still hasn't gotten his phone connected and I can't go to school. This sucks!
I cried that last two nights.  Not sure what else to write about right now.

Sam went to jail for 6 days

November 20th

What I wanted to tell you yesterday was that I had a dream that I was addicted to cigarettes! It was weird and I was hanging out with strange people. 

Anyway, I checked my email. Sam wrote me. She was in jail for 6 days because she wrote "Fuck you Pig" on a police car. Really stupid! She says she is coming back in December. We will see what happens. She is still my really good friend, but I don't want to get in trouble with her. I don't even know if we will be able to see each other. 

I've been sitting in my room just thinking about shit. Everything is swirling in my head. I've thought about when I used to go during lunch to smoke pot with Angie and Kelly. Other people were sometimes there too. A few times Sissy was there. Kelly had a car. And now every time I smoked pot is going through my head. Then I was thinking about all the times I was with Samantha (Sam). 

Then there was Josh. We both had low self-esteem and were there for each other. He gave me so much attention. It was nice to have someone like me so much. He made me feel so special. No one will ever understand "Josh and me" because I don't even know what it was myself. What I do know is that we were really close and told each other a lot of stuff. Josh really cared about me and claimed he loved me. Everyone said I shouldn't want Josh.  I did sometimes though. Other times the attention got to be too much. Now I miss it. 

I remember a lot of stuff that happened in the last year (the Police, the people, the stupid things I did). It's all coming back. And another thing, in 2 days it will be Thanksgiving. Last year on Thanksgiving I dance with Mohamed (my cousin Carl's friend). I also remember being in the car with them. Carl telling me not to end up being as slut and weird stuff like that. At one point we stopped and Mohamed went in the store. I remember telling Carl that at one point I had a crush on him when I was younger. He asked why I didn't anymore. I said that he was my cousin. And he said that it was only through marriage. I know that Mohamed thought I was pretty and I think he had a little crush on me. 

Now that I look back on it I'm wondering what Carl was thinking during that conversation. The bad thing is I thought of kissing him before. I know that it's through marriage, but he's still my cousin. The other thing is that it's a bad sign. I usually only have that thought when a guy likes me. Maybe there is an exception to the rule. I don't know. This is all too weird! I don't think it's right for me to think of him like that. 

Everything changes

November 17th

What a lie that was in my last entry! I mean I still think about Josh sometimes.  Jake I'm pretty much over.  I think he will always be a player. And I think it will be a while before he leaves Bridgette. I used to like talking to Jake. I think I will always remember him.  I had so much at his apt. this past summer. That's all in the past. I hope he is doing o.k. though.
Josh is a little different. We really had a verbal relationship. It was never physical, and that was good. I got really close to Josh. I told him everything! He was really there for me at times. I trusted him. I think I even had some love for him. I can't believe he's married! How am I supposed to feel? I know I don't want him, but I miss talking to him.
Nothing will ever be the same. Everything changes. I think I'm a much stronger person now. I hope I'm not as stupid as I was. If I could do things differently maybe I would. There are quite a few things I would want to change.
I'm now doing home bound schooling.  It's where a teacher comes to your home to give you school work.  I was skipping school so much that they made it this way. I hate it!  I want to be at school now.  This really sucks! I have so much work to do to catch up! It's not even funny!
I forgot to tell you that on Nov. 2nd I smoked pot during lunch. It was with this girl Sabrina, Kim, and a guy named Joe. We jumped a fence and then smoked out of Joe's bowl by the railroad tracks. Damn, it felt good! I wish I could do it again, but Joe is getting home schooled now.  All he did was get high.  He never went to his classes.
Jared from my class said he was getting pot on Monday. I'm not able to go to school then so no pot for me. It's so sad. I really want some pot to make me happy! I'm so depressed!

I'm writing to you now because I have no one to talk to.  I'm crying right now. It seems to be something I do lately. I don't know what to do! I'm getting more and more depressed. I need help. I'm serious. I feel like I'm going crazy! I'm panicky. I have to go to work at the Pizza place in an hour. I don't know if I can do it. This is so stupid. I mean you are just a dairy.  You can't do a damn thing!